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I guess I spent years with Theo, too. Though they seem to be better friends than I was with either. Maybe I don’t deserve anything.
“Wings are the way up,” she says.
“No shit,” I snap. My foot slips again, and she catches me and helps me get back on the spire. I have no idea how Theo survived a fall and tried not once, but twice, that he can remember.
“The more you hope and want, the harder it will be.”
I glare at her. She doesn’t know how hard this is with horns and one eye. I’m doing my best, and that isn’t good enough. It never has been. I always fall short. This is no different.
As much as I always wanted her, she was never mine. I liked the idea of having a girlfriend. The idea of living my own life. I went to that party to find freedom and found Under instead.
I’ve lived my own life here. It wasn’t always great, but it was mine.
That has to be enough.
24
Gerrard
The others have grown wings. I paused to watch Theo change, then Joe. Now Michael. They were having such an easy climb and now they can fly the rest of the way. I grit my teeth—something that feels strange after not having teeth for so long—as I struggle for grip.
I’m angry with myself for trying, for thinking I could do this and that they would wait for me, or even help. I am nothing to them. They have known each other for…for ages.
Julie swoops back down to where I struggle, and the others follow her like it’s some kind of game. I snarl and slip as they show off their wings.
I wish they’d leave me to it. Then I could climb down. Or just let go.
I haven’t decided.
If I hadn’t interfered, I wouldn’t have started changing and I wouldn’t be in this situation. But then I wouldn’t be getting to see them leave. I wish I was leaving, even though I don’t know where I am going.
She lands near me and grabs a piece of rock I hadn’t noticed, so she can perch on the wall.
“Have you come to say goodbye?”
The other three ex-monsters land around me on the spire. I can’t bring myself to look at them. I have failed and they are leaving. I am bright green, and half covered in hard armor plates.
“No. We aren’t leaving you. We’re here to help you.”
“But we can’t fly you up. That’s not how it works,” Joe adds.
I glare at him. “How does it work?”
Was he ever really a monster? What does he know about living and surviving?
“The more frustrated you get, the harder the climb will become. That’s why I failed the last time I tried,” Theo says.
I close my eyes and exhale. I thought that, but I had hoped I was wrong and that it was just me. “So what, I need to enjoy this?”
“Effectively, yes,” Michael says. He might have wings, but he also has two small horns and only one eye.
I don’t think I can. With them all surrounding me, I force myself to climb, but I can’t fight the annoyance that they are all watching. Are they waiting for me to fail?
My claws slip and I scrabble for purchase, then there is nothing, only air. I draw in a breath. At least it is over.
Then I’m caught. Strong hands stop me from tumbling all the way to the ground and into the pit of monsters that wait for food to fall.
“Just let me go.”
