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“Theo.” Julie is close. Her hand touches my shoulder like she cares, like she has no fear of me or what I could do to her. I could kill them both, eat them, grow, and fight my way to the queen.
And then what?
Rule again? Destroy more people and turn them into violent beasts? What kind of monster does that?
“What’s wrong? Is it the hunger?” Her voice catches. So she is afraid of me. Smart…but that’s why she survived this long and unchanged despite a couple of hiccups along the way.
If I eat, I will forget again?
And if I forget, I will have no chance of climbing. But if I don’t eat, we will have no chance of fighting our way out.
“Are you changing?” Her hand is on my shoulder. I want to push it off, to push her away and tell them both to leave me alone. Now they can see me, I will never be alone. I will never be able to hide.
“No.” I force the word out.
That the queen will keep us here until only two are left means she expects us to fight and die. With only two left, we will no longer be a threat. If Michael were with us, we’d have never been caught. I should have picked him up and carried him too. He would have struggled, but I’m sure Julie and Joe could have talked him around.
“Then what is it?” Joe’s voice is closer.
“Leave me alone.” I knock her hand away and immediately miss the contact. She was touching me out of kindness, and I have repaid her with cruelty.
I am a monster. There is nothing good left within me. The only reason I have led them here is for a revenge I no longer crave.
I turn and face the wall, so I don’t have to look at them. They should kill me. If they learned who I was and what I have done, they would. I don’t deserve them.
“No,” Julie says. “We work through things together. You helped us get this far and we will help you. Whatever it is…”
But I can hear the doubt and fear in her voice. I want to turn and roar so I can watch her cower in fear. I imagine doing just that. She will scurry into Joe’s arms, and he will hold her and scowl at me with his pathetic tail lashing in a fury that he can’t spend because the cost will be too high.
I don’t want to sit and watch her embrace him.
Always him and never me. Even though I know why—when I was twice her size, I’d have destroyed her, and I can’t touch her without hurting her because of my talons—the knowledge doesn’t make it any easier. I’m nothing. Not monster enough to eat her and not human enough for her to want me.
“You cannot fix me. Like this, I am neither feared nor loved. I am monstrous, but impotent. I am nothing but sharp edges and longing.” That is who I am now.
In the silence that follows, I can hear her heartbeat.
“You are right. I can’t fix you. Only you can do that. But we know that touch.” Her hand brushes over my shoulder and I flinch, even though I want to lean into it. “And sex is a catalyst.”
“As is opening up and spilling the pain instead of holding it close. The toxic memories poison you.” Joe says like he’s now the expert because he regrew his legs.
I want to hate him, but I have envied him for too long. So I share that. “I want what you had with Michael. I want friends. I want to be someone that matters.”
For a time, I was. I was king of Under. And that wasn’t enough. If it had been, I’d be up the spire and human.
“We are your friends,” Julie says, and I want to believe her. The doubts are stronger, though. They needed my help…they don’t want me.
“Whatever Under is whispering in your ear. Don’t believe it because it’s not true. It’s twisting your fears and making them seem real. Michael gave into them.” Joe pauses. “I don’t want to lose you as well.”
“More like you can’t. You’re both too human to be useful,” I snarl. The rage that I keep suppressed boils in my blood like it’s trying to cook me in my skin. Instead of their death, I imagine my eyes popping out of my head and my skin ripping open. Strangely, it is as satisfying as imagining their death.
“And you need to be human to make it to the top,” Julie says.
“That is a theory.” But the more monstrous I became, the more I failed. Were those that were climbing changing as they climbed? Having seen Joe change, I don’t know how anyone could keep their grip on the spire while their body transforms. “And one we won’t get to test unless we break out of here.”
Julie sits between Joe and me with her back to the wall. “We are trapped, but we are safe. Can that be enough for the moment? Can we celebrate reaching the castle?”
She smiles, but it’s a weak thing, like she’s waiting for us to agree and give her permission to be happy. When was the last time I was really happy, not just grateful for scraps? Was I happy as king?
