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“I know the perfect spot,” Dad said. He was grinning so wide it made his cheeks round and red.
I plucked at the string with my fingernail. “Dad?” I said.
“What is it, baby bear?”
“Why’d you leave?” I asked.
He got quiet. “I never could sit still for long,” he said. “Or stay too far from the stars. I’m not made for that life. A mortgage and neighbors and taxes to pay. Your mom was so pretty and so clever I could quiet down that part of me for a while. But eventually who I am caught up with who I was trying to be, and it wasn’t exactly a fair fight. I figured I would go live on my own, have an adventure, just for a year. One year up in Alaska, I said, but your mom didn’t understand. So we fought, and she said that if I left, I shouldn’t come back. And I took her at her word.”
“You didn’t have to leave,” I said.
“I did, baby bear,” Dad said, shaking his head sadly. “Maybe you don’t understand that, but I’m hoping that you will someday. When you get to know me. When you get to know this place and what it’s like out here.”
I don’t remember what I said, but I know what I’d say now:
I will never understand it.
I will never understand why you would choose even a place as beautiful as this over your family. Over your child.
I will never understand why you couldn’t at least come and visit.
I will never understand why you thought that it was a good idea to bring me out here.
I will never understand why you left.
I will never understand why you left me.
I will never understand why you left me here.
I will never
I don’t
I THINK Iam going to die here.
I THOUGHT THAT keeping this journal would make me feel less alone, less trapped inside my own head. That it would let me get my thoughts out, and that would be a good thing.
I was wrong. All it does is make me stuck on everything that happened, everything that went wrong. It makes me think about what I’m feeling, and I can’t ignore it, can’t focus on what’s next and just get things done.
But I can’t stop. Not now. Now that I’ve started the story I have to finish it, and I have to finish it soon.
I don’t have much time left.
