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Before
THE NIGHT OF Griff’s second visit was the night Dad told the story about how he saved Griff’s life. It was also the first time that I really laughed since coming out to the lake. Making the decision to stay had flipped something over in me, shifted the gravity. Before, it had felt like I was going to be on the lake forever. Now I had a date, or at least a season. Summer. I could make it until summer.
We stayed up late as Griff and Dad traded stories, and then it was just Dad, because he was the better storyteller by far. When he’d run out of stories and was getting hoarse, we went outside and sat against the cabin, leaning to look at the stars.
I fell asleep there, and when I woke up there was light on the horizon, very faint. I dragged myself inside, leaving Griff and Dad snoring. I collapsed into bed, and slept better than I’d slept since I got here. I felt at peace.
The next day we said good-bye to Griff and took Bo around to check Dad’s traps. We walked slowly, and Dad pointed things out to me. He showed me where the snowberries were, and when I asked about wild cucumber he showed one to me. He pulled one up from the grass by the traps and brushed off the dirt and I ate it. It was tiny. Not much food, but a few calories, and they were all over the place. You could walk and pick and walk and pick while you were doing something else.
The next day we gathered firewood. And split firewood. And stacked firewood. I thought we had so much we’d never run out, but Dad said it wasn’t even enough to get us to winter, much less through it. The stack ran all along one side of the cabin, covered with a tarp to keep the rain off it.
When it got dark, we fled inside and sat by the fireplace. Dad wrapped a blanket around me and gave me a mug of something hot. I thought it was tea, but when I sipped it, alcohol scorched my throat and left me coughing.
“Hot toddy,” he said with a grin. “Enjoy it while it lasts, because we won’t have lemons again until Griff gets tired of his old lady and comes home.”
“Don’t say that.”
He laughed. “Why not?”
“Because he’s right. A man should be with his family,” I said. “He’s going back to them, and that’s a good thing.”
“Are you ever going to forgive me for that?” he asked, sounding annoyed.
“It’s not like it’s just a little thing you did one time,” I said. “You were gone my whole life. Also, don’t you know I’m too young to drink?”
“Well, give that on back, then,” he said. I hugged the mug against my chest, and he laughed at me again. “You know, when you were a baby you grabbed at everything you could,” he said. “Never could get your hands off my ring or your mom’s necklaces or anyone’s hair you could reach. I took you out hiking in one of those baby carriers, right? Strapped to my chest. And you bounced along and reached at the trees even though they were so far away. And then I stopped paying attention for one minute and you reached out and grabbed a bee right out of the air. It stung you good, and you wailed and wailed. Like a little siren out there in the woods. And there I am, bouncing and hushing you and singing Christmas carols ’cause that was all I could remember, and I get back to the car and your mom’s sitting there with her book and she looks up and says, ‘What did you do now, Carl?’”
He trailed off, smiling. It was a weird smile. Sad and maybe a bit angry.
“We never shoulda got married,” he said. “Never shoulda.”
“Why did you, then?” I asked.
“Because we were gonna have you.”
I took a sip to hide my surprise. I hadn’t known that. Mom always said she got pregnant right away, but I thought that meant after the wedding. “Sorry I messed everything up for you.”
“You were perfect,” he said. “I was so, so happy. Moira was the one who was worried. I thought, Everything’s going to work out now. We’re going to have a beautiful little baby and we’re going to be a family, and we’re going to be happy. But I was wrong. Moira knew better than me. I guess she always knew I’d leave, and that’s why she couldn’t love me the way I loved her.” He stared into the fire. “I know I should have seen you more growing up. There were a lot of things in my life that kept me from doing that, though. But it’ll all be sorted soon. By next summer. And then I can be your dad for real.”
“I’m almost an adult,” I said. “I don’t need a dad much longer. But I needed one when I was little. I needed one growing up.”
“I wanted to be there for you,” he said.
“What was stopping you?” I meant to sound detached and curious. I sounded angry. I was angry.
“I...” He hesitated. He wasn’t a hesitant guy, but whenever he had trouble finding his words it felt like he was circling around the same subject, only I couldn’t tell what it was. “When you were a baby, I got into a little trouble.”
“What, like you got arrested?”
“No, not me,” he said, shaking his head. “It was complicated, okay? But Moira didn’t want me around while I was involved in all of that. Besides. You were probably better off. I mean, you had Scott, right?”
“For a while,” I said. “Not long enough.” I looked away.
“I’m glad he was there,” he said. “Since I couldn’t be.”
“Wouldn’t be,” I countered.
He gave a low chuckle. It sounded like the smoke from the fire felt to breathe in. Like it stung a little. “You are just like me, aren’t you, baby bear? You’ll argue with a wall that it’s a door, and walk on through to prove it.”
