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“Guess you do,” he said. “Anyway, some of the guys drifted away, some of them listened to what he had to say, and I just stuck around because I hadn’t made up my mind to leave. And then it was too late to leave.”
“Too late?”
His fingertips bounced on the table, a nervous tic I’d never seen from him before. He cleared his throat. “Something happened. Something bad.” He held up a hand. “Nothing I did, I promise, but I’d have a hard time convincing a judge of that, and so when I said I wanted out, Albert had that on me. That and... I haven’t always been good with money, Jess, and used to like to gamble quite a bit. I owed people money, and Albert covered for me. So he had the money and what happened on me. He said I could go, sure, but only if I kept doing a few favors for him.”
“And you did?”
“What choice did I have?” He blew out a breath. “No. There’s always a choice. You always have a choice and I made mine. I didn’t want him even knowing where you were, so I stayed away.”
I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what favors he was talking about. And he didn’t volunteer any details. “And what about now? Do you still... work for him, or whatever?”
“I told you, I’ve got promises to keep. Just one, really. One thing, and then we’ve agreed I’m done. He doesn’t have much use for me, anyway.”
“What one thing?” I pressed. “Dad, are you... you’re not a criminal, are you?”
“No,” he said, emphatically. “Oh, hell, kid, I’ve broken plenty of laws, but nothing that ever hurt anyone. It’s nothing bad, this thing I’m doing for them. Not really. I’m just looking after some stuff. They’ll be by in a few months to get it, and then that’ll be that. We’ll be free to go wherever we want, just as soon as Griff comes by to get us.”
“What stuff?” I asked.
“Don’t worry about that, baby bear,” he said. “It’s not important, and it’ll be gone soon enough. Just... when a plane comes that isn’t Griff’s, you stay hidden. Stay out of sight, and I’ll take care of everything. Okay?”
I wanted to argue. I could feel the fight in the air between us. All I needed to do was take hold of it. But we’d fought enough. And it wouldn’t do any good. “Okay,” I said.
“You trust me?” he asked.
I hesitated, nodded. “I trust you.” Or I wanted to. Wanted to so much that maybe it was the same thing as really trusting him.
He sighed, shook his head. His eyes were fixed to his mug of coffee as he turned it slowly on the tabletop, like he was staring at it so he wouldn’t have to look at me. For a few seconds, only the fire had anything to say, crackling in the hearth behind him.
“I wish I could’ve done better by you,” he said finally.
“Me too.” I didn’t say it to be cruel or angry. It was just true. I didn’t know him. I thought I might like him, with enough time. Mom did, after all, even if things didn’t work out. I could see myself in him, in his temper, in the way we groused at each other, in our shared stubbornness. But even if we turned out to be the best of friends, he’d never have been there when I was five and broke my arm, or when I was ten and won the school spelling bee. I would always have grown up without him, and no amount of love or trust could change that.
Maybe, eventually, that won’t matter as much, I thought. We’d know each other so long that I’d be able to forget the years he wasn’t there. It hit me then that I had more years left with him than I would ever have with Mom, and suddenly thinking about the possibility that we might get along someday felt like a betrayal so keen it made me rock back in my chair, made my throat close up.
“I’m going to bed for a bit,” I said. I couldn’t stay here sitting across from him. I needed room to breathe.
“I’ll let you rest, then,” he said. I suspected he knew I wasn’t tired. I was glad he let me go anyway.
I shut the curtain behind me and sat on the bed, thinking about the years we’d missed and the years we would have ahead. About what kind of relationship we’d have, what we’d do together. I imagined then that we’d have weeks and months and years; that we’d have decades together, the two of us, to figure out who we were to each other.
We had six more days.
