Page 43 of I Am Still Alive


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His head was still resting on his chest. I breathed out a sigh of relief, but I didn’t let myself hesitate. I dashed for the front door.

I fumbled with the latch, and panic rose in my throat to choke me. Then it gave. I practically fell inside as it swung open.

Once I was inside, I froze. There was so much I needed. I couldn’t even begin to think what I should take, and I only had a few seconds.

I had to get my bag. I lurched across the room to the bedroom. The curtain was shut. Raph hadn’t seen my bag yet, then. I wrenched it open and grabbed the kitty bag, and then hooked one handle of my duffel and yanked.

I hadn’t zipped it up the night before. Everything flew out, scattering across the floor. I dropped to the ground, clawing at my things. I stuffed everything back into the duffel. I didn’t have time to check that I’d gotten it all.

I whipped back out to the main room. Dad’s rifle was leaning next to the bookcase. I grabbed it, slung the strap over my shoulder. Ammunition; a rifle needed ammunition. There was a box on the shelf and I shoved the whole thing into the kitty backpack. Thirty seconds, I told myself. Grab what you can in thirty seconds.

I saw the hatchet and lunged for it. I shoved it in the duffel. Food. I needed food. But everything I could see was in giant, heavy sacks. Rice, flour, beans. Meat. Where was the meat? I couldn’t reach it.

A can of peaches (store-bought) and a jar of salmon (home-canned) were out on the table. I snatched them, and then I heard voices. Raph and Daniel were coming back.

I took one last look around the cabin. I can still see it all perfectly in my mind. All that food. I said I miss the people more than the food, but Christ, I miss that food, too.

I was out of time. I ran, hobbling along straight for the trees, not checking to see if Raph and Daniel were in sight, and I threw myself down on the ground among the bushes. Just in time. Raph and Daniel came around the opposite side of the cabin I’d run around. The door hung open. I held my breath. They’d know I’d been there. But they just walked right in.

Would they notice that the rifle was gone? Would they see that someone had been there? Had I remembered to let the curtain fall back into place?

I thought of a thousand ways it could go wrong. I waited for one of them to shout and for them to come charging out into the woods to look for me.

They rummaged in the cabin. Something crashed, shattered. Thumps and bangs echoed across the beach. They argued back and forth, and then finally Raph stepped out and walked a ways down toward the water. He put his hands in the pockets of his jacket and looked around slowly. He looked like I must have, the day we paddled across the lake. Taking in the water and the sky and the trees in a slow circuit. When his eyes passed over me, I hunched against the ground, shoving the bright backpack under me to hide it.

Then he spat. “Idiot,” he said. “It’s his own goddamn fault.”

Daniel came out of the cabin, splashing gasoline behind him. I held my breath. He tossed the canister of gasoline inside. They must have found it in there or brought it with them. I hadn’t seen it. I didn’t know where Dad kept half his things. I hadn’t been paying attention; I’d been complaining. I hadn’t even known where the meat was. Then I remembered: the meat wasn’t stored in the cabin, he hung it in the shed to dry it out. That was where he packed it in salt, too, to preserve it, and did the canning. The shed was just past the trees on the other side, where it was cooler and shadier the whole year.

For almost a minute, I hoped. I hoped that they would leave, and leave my meat, but instead Raph whistled. “Hold up,” he said. “Don’t forget the outbuildings.”

Daniel gave a long, put-upon sigh and jogged down to the boat again. He came back with more gasoline and doused the outhouse and the shed. He struck a match, watching the burning point in his hand like it fascinated him.

“You sure we got to do this?” he asked. “Seems like a lot of effort for a guy that’s already dead.”

“Claimed he had documents,” Raph said with a shrug. “Probably bluffing, but what if he’s not? We burn it.”

“Burn, burn, burn,” Daniel crooned, and tossed the match inside the cabin door.

Air whooshed, and then an orange glow lit the windows. The fire snapped and crackled as Daniel walked around the side of the building and struck another match. Whoosh, and the outhouse went up. A third match. The shed now, fire gnawing at it from the inside out, climbing the walls. It roiled, bright and hot even from where I stood, and the men retreated down the beach.

The flames claimed the walls, cracked the windows. They found the door and escaped, licking upward toward the roof, where they caught easily. I had never realized how loud fire could be, roaring and snapping and coughing. The fire destroyed everything, but it protected me. Hid the sound of my sobbing.

Raph and Daniel walked back down to the boat, their backs painted with light. They climbed in and pushed off just as the outhouse roof collapsed in a shower of sparks.

Beside me, Bo seemed to snap like a rubber band stretched too far. He charged.

“Bo, no!” My voice was hoarse, lost in the roar of the flames. He ignored me. He churned up pebbles all the way down to the shore until he hit the edge of the water, and there he whipped back and forth in a frenzy, growling and snarling.

Raph whistled. “See the size of that dog?”

Bo’s jaws snapped, teeth pulled back to bare his teeth. Spittle flew in all directions. No, no, no, I thought, willing Bo to come back.

Raph pulled his gun. Aimed it at the snarling dog.

Daniel dug the paddle into the water, making the boat rock. Raph pulled the trigger, but his aim went wild, stinging out well over Bo’s head and splatting into the pebbles farther up the slope.

“The hell, man?” Raph said.

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