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“Sure, for a Fashion Week or a work trip or a holiday…but not long-term. But that’s not what I mean. I…” I glance at Michelle and run my finger around the rim of my wine glass on the table. “There’s something I haven’t told you.”
The server arrives to take our food order and Michelle groans in frustration. I know she’s bursting with curiosity.
We order food—I choose the steak with roasted vegetables. Michelle orders chicken with a salad. The server takes the time to top up our wine glasses and Michelle looks like she’s dying with how long he takes to leave.
“Tell me,” Michelle says when the server finally walks away.
I sigh, and my heart beats in my throat. I’ve never told anyone this. No one knows, and it’s scary as hell to put it into words.
“Noah and I know each other from college,” I say. “He was an ass then. A part of me is worried he might still be and I just don’t see it right now, actually. But I couldn’t stand him when we had mutual friends and ended up at parties or nights out together. Until one night, where we got totally wasted, and something happened between us. A spark…the same spark that brought us together again, now.”
Michelle nods, listening intently.
“A few weeks after our night together, I found out I was pregnant. I tried to call him, but he wouldn’t answer. He never called me back after that night, either. It’s not his style. Anyway. When he wouldn’t answer, I decided to go to Paris and start over there. To have Ava and begin a new life away from everything…”
My voice trails off, and I glance up at Michelle. She stares at me with wide eyes and a slack jaw.
“Noah is Ava’s father,” she breathes.
I nod and pick up my wine glass, gulping down at least half of its contents. When I set it down it again, I let out a breath.
“Does he know?”
I shake my head. “You’re the first person I’ve ever told.”
“You should tell him! Oh, God, Raven, do you know what this could mean?”
“No,” I say tightly. “I’m not telling him.”
“Why not?” Michelle cries out. “You’re in love with the guy. If he feels the same about you, and he knows about Ava, you can make it work together. She can have a father, and—”
“He doesn’t want children,” I say. I sigh and glance at the other diners around us. They all look so happy, and I wonder if their lives are as complicated as mine.
“What do you mean, he doesn’t want children? How can you know that?”
“I asked him,” I say flatly. “We were with his niece and talking about what it means to have kids. He doesn’t want any. I can’t tell him about Ava now. Especially, not after keeping it a secret for a week.” I twist my fingers together. “For five years.”
Michelle shakes her head. She’s struggling to take it all in. Admittedly, it’s a lot. I’d hoped that talking about it would make a difference. I’d hoped it would make me feel better, but it didn’t. All it did was make me realize how alone I am in all this. I’m never going to be in a relationship where Ava has a father she can look up to, a family.
But at least I got clarity by voicing everything. Ican’ttell him. And I won’t. He doesn’t need to know. I’m going home this weekend, and then everything that happened between us will be over. I’ll continue with my life the way it was before we came.
“Raven…” Michelle starts, and there’s pain in her voice. She doesn’t keep talking. She doesn’t have to. She knows what I’m going through—out of everyone in my life, Michelle knows me the best.
We sit in silence, drinking our wine, digesting the information I shared with her until our food arrives.
When we eat, Michelle clears her throat and adds one more thing.
“Maybe, if he knows about her, he’ll change his mind about not wanting kids. It’s one thing to say it, but another to make that choice once you know all the facts.”
I shake my head. “It’s not that simple.”
I expect a lecture. I wait for her to tell me he has a right to know, and she has a right to have him involved in her life. I expect her to tell me I’m doing the wrong thing, and I should reconsider. But all she does is squeeze my hand across the table.
“Whatever you need, I’m here for you, okay?”
“Thank you,” I say.
“This chicken is fantastic,” she says and cuts another piece, and I’m so grateful to have a wonderful friend like her.
