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“What happened after you graduated? I mean, after I saw you. You said you were falling around a bit.”
Noah nods. “I didn’t make it pro, like I told you. I had to change my degree, but it wasn’t just about that. It was a whole dream I had to give up on. I was so set on playing pro that I never thought about a fallback, a plan B, something that would be my way out.”
“Even after retiring from football?” I ask.
Noah shrugs, his thumbs digging deep into the muscles of my foot. I moan softly in response, and he cocks the corner of his mouth into a grin at the sound.
“I don’t know,” he continues. “I was young and stupid.” He’s got that right; hewasstupid back then. “I mean, I studied a business major so I guess I would have gone into something business-related or something, but I didn’t think that far. We don’t dream about the end of our dreams, right?”
“I guess that’s right.”
I nod. “Anyway, I started applying for jobs because that’s what you do—you earn a living. I got a pretty solid job, too. And workingwiththe NFL isn’t so bad. I’m still on the sidelines. I still get to see the action.”
“I’m happy for you,” I say.
Noah nods. He looks like he wants to say more, so I keep quiet and let him fill the silence.
“I thought my life was over, though, you know? I thought that was it, my dreams were gone, and I would hate what I do. And even though I love what I do now, I wonder sometimes what it would have been like if I didn’t hurt myself. If I could play on a team, everything would have been different for me.”
“Probably,” I agree. “But I think everything happens for a reason.”
He narrows his eyes at me. “You think I wasn’t able to fulfill my lifelong dream for areason?” He gets tense, and I need to tread carefully. I’m not trying to upset him.
“I don’t think we always know what the reason is, but haven’t things changed for you? Doors have opened, you met friends, stuff like that?”
“I get what you’re saying,” Noah says, nodding. “But I think it’s a little more complicated than that. I just feel like a failure.”
“Why?” I blink at him. Noah is the most confident man I’ve ever met. His college student arrogance has matured into self-assurance, and it's attractive as hell. “You don’t look like someone who isn’t sure of himself.”
“Hmm,” Noah murmurs. “Fake it ‘til you make it, right?”
I don’t answer him, so he keeps talking.
“Sometimes I just feel like I should have done better. I should have been in a different life, right now. If I didn’t injure my back…”
“Living on what if’s is dangerous,” I say carefully. “I know what that’s like.”
Noah snorts. “You don’t know what it’s like. You’ve gotten everything you’ve ever wanted.”
“That doesn’t mean I don’t know what it feels like to keep asking myself ‘what if?’”
“Yeah? What do you wonder about?”
I reel. I can’t tell him about Ava. It will just ruin the short time with Noah I have left, and it still won’t change anything, no matter how hard I wish it would.
“Staying here,” I say. At least, that part is true. I often wonder what it might have been like if I’d decided to go home to Texas, asked my parents for help, and raised Ava here. And maybe, when running into Noah again, telling him so he could be a part of her life.
“Well, your life would be different,” Noah says.
“Yeah, but I might not have made it to Fashion Week, then. I would never have met Michelle. Ruby Blue would never have come to exist. So I don’t know if I would change anything.”
Except that I would have tried harder to reach Noah. Knowing what I know now, we might have made it work. But he doesn’t want children, I remind myself. It’s the biggest reason I keep from telling him about Ava.
“You’re happy with where you are in life now, right?” I ask.
“Yeah, I guess I am.”
“I believe in creating new dreams,” I say softly. “I know it sucks losing what we thought we could do. But life moves on, and if we don’t move with it…”
