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“It’s just…” I take a moment to compose myself. I don’t want my voice to crack. “I wonder why, you know? He stayed with my mom for five years before they had me. And then, before another five years passed, he left. Which makes me wonder if I’d never come along…would he have stayed?”
“It’s not your fault,” Noah says.
“No, I know.” I glance up at him from the granola I was intently staring at while I talked so that I could keep my emotions together. The look on Noah’s face nearly breaks me—his eyes are filled with sympathy, and he looks like he wants to grab me and hug me. I don’t want that; it’s easier to push it away.
As if he knows that’s not what I want from him, he doesn’t move.
“You can’t be held accountable in any way for him being a deadbeat,” Noah says. There’s an underlying ferocity in his voice.
Maybe he just didn’t want kids.I think it, but I don’t say it. It won’t be fair to Noah to bring that up, not like this. And it’s not like Noah even knows about Ava. Or tried to leave me.
I’m the one that’s about to leave him.
“Men just don’t seem to stick around,” I say.
I don’t know why I’m telling him this. It bubbles out of me without consent, but it feels so good to speak those words.
“Every guy I’ve been with has always decided it’s not worth it for the long haul. And it’s not like I was looking for marriage or anything crazy. I’m not the type that wantsforeverright away. I just want to know that there isn’t something wrong with me that they all leave.”
The admission is a surprise. I haven’t put how I feel into so many words. And I never thought I would be able to share it with someone. But Noah is different than anyone I’ve been with.
“Hey,” Noah says and puts his hand on my knee. “There’s nothing wrong with you. If they left, they’re fucking stupid for leaving you behind. End of. Do you hear me?”
I nod and look up at Noah. My eyes well with tears, and I hate being so weak that I’m crying about it.
“God, you must think I’m ridiculous.” I scrub angrily at my face.
“I think you’ve been through so much, and you’ve been so strong, you never let yourself feel what you need to feel. It’s okay to not be okay, you know.” His voice is gentle. “You’re incredibly strong and brave, and you’ve built a life despite everything that’s happened to you. I admire you, Raven.” He takes my hand and kisses my knuckles. “And I’m not going anywhere, okay? They may not know what they had, and they may have left it all behind. But I’m not stupid. I know exactly what I have in you, and as long as you’ll have me, I’m right by your side. Okay?”
I nod.
“I mean it,” he adds.
I nod again, and I let the tears roll over my cheeks, giving myself permission to cry.
I know it’s not that simple between Noah and me. I know he can’t tell me he’s going to be at my side for as long as I’ll have him. I’m leaving soon, and then all this is over. But it’s so nice to have someone who cares. It’s nice to have someone to talk to. I have Michelle, but in a way, I’ve still been so alone, and with Noah here tonight, I feel like, for the first time, I’m not wandering alone in the dark anymore. He's here with me, holding my hand.
Tomorrow, or the day after, I’ll fly back to Paris, and I will carry on my life without him. But until that moment comes, I’m going to throw myself into what we have because Noah is a great guy. The more he’s there for me, the more I get to know him, the more in love with him I become.
I wish things were different. I wish we could be more than we are now. I wish a lot of things.
But wishing doesn’t get anyone anywhere.
When we finish our food, Noah takes the bowls back to the kitchen, and I take a moment to pull myself together. When he comes back, we get rid of our hoodies and get in bed together. Noah pulls me tightly against him, and we lay spooned together, his chest to my back. His body is curled around mine like a question mark, and his arm thrown over my waist makes me feel like he can protect me from everything the future holds.
I close my eyes and fall asleep to the rhythm of his breathing, pushing away everything and living only in this moment where everything is perfect.
Chapter 20
Raven
I wake up to my phone vibrating under my pillow. I blink, not sure where I am. The bedroom is dark, and it takes me a moment to realize I’m in Noah’s bed, at his place.
His curtains block out the light, making it feel like the middle of the night.
I grab my phone. It’s Maria, video calling from Paris.
Noah’s hoodie is on the floor where I left it and I grab it and tiptoe out of the room before I answer.
