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“I have to be,” she says. “But I love it. It’s the most fulfilling thing I’ve ever done. I’m one ofthose—making a home and raising children is what I like to think of as my legacy.”
“Something to leave behind,” I say.
She nods.
“How often does Kylie see her father?” I ask.
Natalie stiffens, her eyes shoot to mine, and I’m worried I said something I shouldn’t have.
“He’s not around and I would rather not get into it,” she says stiffly.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
She shakes her head and keeps eating her ice cream with renewed focus.
That makes me nervous. If he’s not around, will he be a problem between us? I don’t want to cause trouble. But I have no idea where I stand with her and how I would fit into her life.
“You don’t mind if I take a while to introduce you to Kylie, do you?” she asks. Her brown eyes have become dark and she’s guarded. “I want to make sure we work out before I bring you into her life. We’ve already been through a lot and I don’t want to make things harder on her than they need to be.”
“Of course,” I say. “I get it. I don’t want you to do anything you’re not ready for.”
Natalie nods and lets out a breath like she’s been holding it. “Thank you.”
I change the topic away from Kylie and her father, and we make small talk while we finish our ice creams, getting to know each other more.
When we walk back to the mall parking lot where my car is parked, she slips her hand into mine. Before we reach the car, she stops and turns to me.
“He died,” she blurts out.
I blink at her. “Who?”
“My husband. Kylie’s father. He died in a car accident when she was four. It’s just the two of us; he’s not around.”
She swallows hard and looks like she wants to cry. She worries her lower lip as if she’s scared of what my reaction will be.
I’m shocked. For a moment, I can’t find the words.
“Oh, my God,” I finally say. “I’m so sorry.”
She shakes her head. “I didn’t tell you when you asked because I didn’t know how. I’m a mess, Mason. I struggle with his death still, even though it’s been five years. Dianne, my friend…she’s not my friend. She’s my therapist. I see her once every two weeks to deal with everything.”
She’s rambling, her words tumbling at as if it’s hard to face them and she needs to get it over with as quickly as she can.
“Hey,” I say and put my hand on her arm. “It’s okay.”
Her eyes well up with tears. When she talks, her voice is barely louder than a whisper.
“I really like you. But my life feels so complicated and I’m terrified once you see the mess I am, you’ll turn around and run away. I’m not the person I used to be. Sometimes, I don’t even know who I am anymore. Everything I once had shattered and I’ve tried all this time to pick up the pieces and put them together again. But I don’t know if I did it right. I’m broken and this new version of me might not be—”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I cut her off. “You’re trying to convince me how awful you are, but all I see when I look at you is strength. You’ve been through a lot.” God, I can’t even imagine what she must have gone through, losing her husband, raising a child alone. “I would be worried if youweren’tstruggling with it.”
“You’re okay with it?” she asks. Her eyes search my face for an answer.
I nod. “I’m okay with it. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all that. But I like you, too. And I want to get to know you better. I want to be a part of your picture, even if we have to take it slow. I’m not here to replace anyone; I’m just a new addition.”
She blinks fast to get rid of her tears and I pull her into a hug. Her arms come around me, and I hold onto her. We stand in the middle of the parking lot, melded together, and I know I’ve never wanted anyone or anything more than giving this thing with Natalie a shot. Even if she has Kylie. Even if taking on a child isn’t anything I envisioned for myself.
I would never admit that out loud because I don’t want to sound like a dick and it wouldn’t come out right if I put it to words. I also feel guilty thinking this but knowing Kylie’s father isn’t going to make things hard for us to be together is a relief. I had worked myself up, wondering if I had to prove myself to another man. I’m relieved she confided in me and I hope I can support her in the ways she needs me to. I want to console her, and I want her right here in my arms for as long as I can have her.
