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“You know he’s not coming back,” the officer says.
“He promised he would always be here.” I’m the one crying now. Kylie is nowhere to be seen. The edges of my vision grow dark and the world slowly loses its color.
“I’m sorry, ma’am,” the office says. “He’s gone.”
“But I love him.”
The officer only shrugs.
I jerk up in bed and the darkness in the room folds itself around me, choking me, squeezing the life out of me. I grope around the right side of the bed, looking for him, but the mattress is cold. David hasn’t been here in five years.
Tears squeeze out of my eyes and I start crying, the sobs racking my chest.
It feels like I’ve lost David all over again.
The last words stick with me.
But I love him.
I get out of bed and pace around my room, trying to get my breathing to slow, my heart to stop racing. But my stomach is twisted in a knot of panic and I can’t breathe right. My chest is too tight, the air in the room feels too thin.
A face flashes before me. Dark hair, dark eyes, a smile that’s slowly becoming my whole world. It’s not David’s face but Mason’s. I accepted a long time ago that David isn’t coming back. It’s not always easy to deal with, but the facts are there. It doesn’t make me miss him any less, but I’ve accepted I must move forward.
And that’s what I’m trying to do with Mason in my life, too. Not only because Dianne said I have to move on from David, but because Iwantto. I don’t want to forget him, but I want to wake up from this nightmare I’ve been stuck in for years. I want to be happy again.
But happiness is hell, isn’t it? It’s the silence before the storm. I fell in love with David, only for him to be ripped away from me and leave me aching for years to come.
I’m falling for Mason, but I don’t want to. Ican’t. I won’t survive this a second time. If I love Mason and he’s taken away from me, too, that’s it for me. I’ll lay down and die.
Terror overcomes me. I feel cold. Goosebumps break out on my skin. I rub my arms and walk to the window, opening the curtains. The promise of dawn is a silver line on the horizon. I’m too worked up to go back to bed—I won’t sleep now. I need advice. I need Dianne to tell me it’s going to be okay. She’s the one who suggested I do this. She’s the one who thought it would be good for me.
I need her to tell me that it’s the right thing to do, and that every man I love isn’t just going to disappear and never come back.
But I can’t call her. Not yet, not until it’s a reasonable hour.
My thoughts haunt me. I get in the shower, turning the water up as hot as I can bare it. Scalding needles pound my skin until I turn bright red. I let the water run over me, trying to wash away the panic, the thoughts, the fear.
It doesn’t work.
When I get out of the shower, my skin is beet red. I towel myself off and comb out my wet hair before wrapping it in a towel and getting dressed. The memory of the dream assaults me still. I need a distraction.
In the kitchen, I grab ingredients from the pantry and put together flapjacks. I make one after the other as the sun rises and lights up the kitchen, splashing everything in gold. The best light of the day.
“Mom?” Kylie asks, rubbing one eye as she walks in. “What are you doing?”
“Pancakes,” I say and smile at her.
“Are you okay?”
“Why?” I ask.
“We never have time during the week for pancakes.”
I nod. It’s a Monday, and I often have meetings to kick off the week so I can’t afford to dawdle in the kitchen.
“I got up early, I couldn’t sleep, so I thought it would be nice.”
“Itisnice,” Kylie says with a grin and takes two plates out of the cabinet for us. I ask her to bring out the syrup and can of whipped cream, and we sit down at the breakfast nook together.
