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“I’m so pleased things have been going so well,” Dianna says. “You deserve it. And having that extra pressure off changes everything.”
I nod. It really has changed everything. I have enough money so I don’t have to worry every month, I get to see my daughter, and I’m dealing with being a widow so much better now I feel like I’m not failing Kylie.
“Have you heard from your special friend?” Dianne asks.
I shake my head, irritated.Special friendsounded so…not what he is.
“Mason,” I say, using his name instead. “And no, I haven’t. I don’t think I will. It’s been two weeks. If he wanted to call me, he would have done it by now. God, I was so stupid.”
“I don’t think you were stupid at all. He made a promise and he broke it. That’s not on you.”
“Well, irresponsible, then. I’m a mother. How can I do this?”
Dianne studies me. “Just because you’re a mother doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have fun.”
“No, I know that.”
“Do you?” Dianne asked. “You’re very hard on yourself, and from what I see, you give every minute you’re not working to Kylie. It’s good to be such a present parent. She needs that. But you can’t push your own needs away.”
I shake my head. I know she’s right, but it’s not that simple. Since David passed away, it’s just been Kylie and me. I have to fill both roles for her since her father is gone.
“I feel guilty that she’s not getting what she needs.”
“She’s getting more from you than some kids get with both parents in the house. You’re doing great, Natalie. And I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself about having a one-night stand. You deserve to have a bit of fun.”
I sigh. Mason—I don’t even know his surname—told me he’d call me, and that never happened.
“It stings because he’s the first person I’ve opened myself up to since David. I should have known better.”
Dianna thinks about it for a moment, writing in my file. When she wrote everything down, it used to bother me. It felt like I was failing some test, somehow. But I’m used to it by now.
“I think you should consider dating again,” Dianne says without looking at me.
“What?”
She glances up at me. “You sound shocked.”
“How did we go from it being a mistake to sleep with someone to dating?”
“Did you want him to call you?”
I nod.
“What did you think was going to happen if he did?” she asks.
I shake my head. “I don’t know. I didn’t think that far. I just…It hurts that I wasn’t good enough so I never…” I let out a breath and shake my head. “I don’t know if I can do that.”
“It will be good for you. You need to focus on yourself and your own needs, and it’s time you leave the past behind you and move forward.” She lifts a finger when I want to protest. “Let me finish. I know you can’t replace David. And you aren’t. No one will ever be like him and what you had with him will never change. But you can’t live the rest of your life on hold.”
“I’m comfortable where I am now,” I say.
“I know. But you’re not fulfilled in that way. Having a partner, that was your long-term goal.”
I look down at my hands. I know what she’s saying, and I know she’s right. She usually is—that’s what I pay her for. But the idea of putting myself out there again terrifies me.
“I don’t like to talk about what someone might have wanted. I didn’t know David, and I don’t like to use your relationship with him as leverage—I think it’s wrong. But I can’t imagine he would have wanted you to pine your life away. I know he loved you, and he would have wanted you happy.”
I feel like crying. Tears sting my eyes and my stomach twists. Just thinking about finding someone else makes me feel sick.
