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We worked together, breaking down the termite nest and letting the sunlight do its thing and kill off the pests. The dirt was rich and dark here, fertilized with layers of compost and dried cow patties. When Sam came back carrying one of the rocking chairs from the veranda, Ma huffed and tried to bat away his assistance, but even Craig stopped to help ease her into the chair before going back to checking the timber railway sleeper garden beds.
“These ones all look solid. It’s just these few here near where the nest was that needs replacing.” I knocked my foot into the three affected beds. It would take us a while, but we’d get it done together.
“Ally, where are the replacement sleepers?” Sam asked as I pushed back another shovel full of dirt.
“In the big shed with the other stores.” I pointed. “Easiest if we load them onto the ute.”
He took the shovel out of my hand and motioned me to sit.
“Take a load off while we get them.” Craig reached out, taking my hand and leading me over to Ma so I could ease myself onto one of the solid railway sleepers. Sam ran his hand down my ponytail, smoothing it down, and I smiled to myself. It was nice to be treated like a lady every now and then, even if I hated the idea of being singled out because of it. Ma had put up with sexism all her life. So many people told her she couldn’t run the station, because apparently women were meant to be barefoot and pregnant, not working the paddocks. What a load of shit. Ma had grown up out here. She was a fourth-generation station owner and more competent than many of the men around here. But apparently her lack of a dick was a problem for quite a few of the other station owners whose attitudes were better off being left in the 1950s.
“That self-satisfied smile you’re wearing suits you. Which one of them are you interested in?”
“Nah, it’s not like that, Ma. Although they’re both pretty fine.” I sighed. “I dunno. It’s nice to be treated like a lady every now and then, but still be listened to when we’re working.”
Ma nodded. “Yeah, you hold onto the ones like that.” She had a sad smile on her face, and she shook her head. “You have so much of your dad’s personality, you know that? He had an adventurous spirit. Scottie only remembers him when he was staying inside working on his investments. But he wasn’t always like that.”
“What are you trying to say, Ma?” I was looking up at her, feeling like a little girl while she imparted her wisdom, and I listened with rapt attention.
“Don’t make the same mistake that your dad did,” she implored. “He stayed here far longer than he should have, trying keep us together. Trying to do the right thing by his family. You’re just like him in that way.” When I shook my head, she shushed me and continued, “You came back here because of me. You were set to start uni until the doc said it was osteoporosis, then you chucked everything in and came home—”
“Mum—”
“No, Ally.” She stared me down. “I can’t make the same mistake with you too. I won’t. I was selfish with your dad. I tried to keep him here when he was never meant to stay, and we hurt each other more by dragging it out. If you want to leave, if you want to go back to Sydney to start uni, do it. With Craig and Sam here, we have enough bodies on board to run the station. You’ll always be my daughter. You’ll always have a home here. But you don’t need to live here.”
My gut sank as dread washed over me. “Do you want me to go?” I was unsure now where I stood.
“No, Ally.” She reached out for me and I slipped my hand into hers. She squeezed it tight. “I want you to make sure you’re staying for you. Not for anyone else.” She looked over her shoulder at the boys and I followed her gaze. Craig was hefting the thick timber onto his shoulder and Sam slid in behind him, sharing the weight as they placed the heavy sleeper into the tray of the ute. “They like you. They both do. You keep the good ones, but not at the expense of your own happiness.”
“I’m glad I came home, Ma. I was homesick.” I huffed out a laugh and toed the red dirt at my feet with my boot. “Sydney was exactly how I imagined it would be, but instead of being excited by the people and the chaos, it drained me. I’d sit on the ferry as it crossed the harbour and just stare out at the water and finally breathe. It wasn’t until my last trip, when I knew I was coming home, that I realized it was the only time I felt at peace there. Being home… I fit here. It’s as if everything was telling me to come back. I just hadn’t heard the message until Scottie called me.”
“What did he tell you to make you come home? You never told me.”
I shook my head. “He didn’t say anything about me coming home. He told me you were in pain again and were weak on your feet, so he’d taken you to hospital. He said that I didn’t need to worry because everything was under control, but he knew I’d want to know.”
“Then what made you come back?”
I huffed out a laugh. “Dad and I had the exact same conversation that we just did.” I looked up at her and bit down on my lip with a smile. “I hung up with Scottie and Dad told me that it was okay if I wanted to go home. He’d told me that leaving us was the hardest thing he’d ever done, but he knew if he stayed, he would have destroyed all of us. He couldn’t ignore it for his own mental health. He said he saw himself in me when the initial wow of the city had worn off. He’d felt exactly the same being here as I did in Sydney—like a fish outta water.” I shrugged, trying to play down the gravity of my homesickness. “By the time Scottie called, I was looking for an excuse to come home.”
Ma didn’t say anything for a time, and I gave her some privacy as she blinked the tears from her eyes. I watched Craig and Sam hefting the sleepers off the ute and onto their shoulders bringing them over to us. They were so in sync with each other. It was a thing of beauty. I wondered, not for the first time, whether they shared a bond beyond that of friendship. It would make sense—the two of them had been friends for a long time, and from what I could gather, they hadn’t been apart since they were teenagers. It was oddly romantic if that were the case—them drifting around the country together, stealing nights in each other’s arms as they hid their love from the outside world. It was also depressing as fuck. Hiding couldn’t be easy.
“So where do they fit in?” Ma motioned to the men as Craig took the weight of the sleeper in his arms as Sam manoeuvred around and lowered to his knee. Craig inched closer to him and hefted the heavy timber off Sam’s shoulder, dropping it on the ground by their feet.
I marvelled at Craig’s strength and the way they compensated for the differences in their physical capabilities. I liked them. Probably too much, but I was hardly going to admit that to Ma. “They’re eye candy, good workers, and nice blokes.” Ma chuckled and my smile turned into a grin. “There’ve got to be some advantages of living out here. I count them as advantages.”
