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chapter 16
Sam
It was the third time since Craig had left that I’d walked away from Ally when all I wanted to do was curl into her. She had pushed me away the night of the fire. Last night she’d done the same. Tonight, she hadn’t even sat with me after dinner—not that it mattered anyway. She headed up to bed within five minutes of the kitchen being cleaned.
I wanted to tell her she meant everything to me. That I’d stayed because I loved her. As much as it hurt to admit, I’d known right from the beginning that I’d never have a chance with Craig. It was a pipe dream. Something that I’d been misguided at best—a fucking idiot at worst—to even think of. But Ally was real. And instead of staying with her, I was leaving the homestead and heading to my empty cabin.
It wasn’t only that I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to be apart from her and with the stilted conversations we’d had and the fact that she was actively avoiding me, it was as if a gulf had opened between us. The chasm that had formed when Craig’s departure detonated the fragile connection we were building after finally being honest with each other had destroyed any hope of bridging the gap. I could have been on another planet to her.
Dejected, I shoved my hands in my pockets and trudged away. My heart grew heavier and the little light of hope that had flickered on when Ally had told us that she’d wanted us for as long as we’d wanted her was snuffed out. I ached, every part of my being ripped raw.
My boots thudded on the hard-packed dirt drive, each pained step taking me away from the one person I needed. She was in the house behind me. Why was I walking away?
I stopped. Paused. Closed my eyes and breathed through the agony. It was a painful reminder that there were no longer two people on the station who mattered. Craig had left. I hated him a little in that moment, then hated myself for being disloyal. But it wasn’t me who had packed up and walked away from us.
I opened my eyes and looked up to the sky, taking in the serenity of the moment. Wishing I felt that same inner peace that the outback had. It usually calmed my soul. Before we’d arrived, I didn’t know it would bring me as much solace as it had. The wide-open spaces and ruggedness of the desert were inextricably part of me now, and I a part of it. The stars were familiar, even though I’d never be able to name the constellations they formed in. The sounds, the smells, the place. I was part of something important here. My life was meaningful. I made a difference in some small way. But meaningful and contributing weren’t enough anymore, not after what I’d lost. What we’d lost. I wanted to make my home here. I wanted love and a family. I wanted to watch my kids grow up right here on this land of red dirt and blue skies.
My resolve strengthened and I straightened. I needed to get my shit into gear and I would do whatever it took to make it happen.
Shaking out my hands, I breathed in a lungful of the crisp night air and blew it out slowly, my breath creating a fog in front of me. I nodded and spun on the heel of my boot to go back into the house. I crossed the threshold, looking around the room. Ally wasn’t down there, so I called up the stairs for her. Had she watched me walking away from her window? Had she seen me return?
Conversation ceased. Jono wore a small smile and Den looked between Ally and me as she walked down the stairs wearing a fluffy robe. “Mind if we have a word?”
She nodded, moving closer as she descended the stairs, carefully placing the mug she was holding down on the table before following me outside. We didn’t go far. I led her around the veranda to the front of the house, away from prying ears. This was something I didn’t want overheard by the others, but it needed to be said.
“Ally, look—”
“I didn’t want to choose—” She closed her eyes and her shoulders slumped. I took her hands slowly in mine. They were rough and calloused like every one of us who worked here. They were beautiful.
“I never would have asked that of you.” She was so close. I could lean down and kiss her. I closed my eyes, wishing I could. Wishing I had the right to. “Never.” I smiled, but it was a sad one at best. “I need to tell you something. Can I do that?”
“Course.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I let you down.” I shook my head, the pain of what I’d done like a sword stabbing me through the heart. “I’m sorry that I didn’t have the courage to tell you how I felt.” I rubbed my thumb over the soft skin on the back of her hand and wished that she’d tell me I could touch her anytime. That I could love her and hold her. “I’m sorry we interfered and didn’t let you experience relationships and love like you deserved. I’m sorry I stole a decade from you that I can’t give back. You deserved everything and all I’ve done is taken from you. Your happiness, your…” I paused. “Fuck,” I muttered as it dawned on me.
“What?”
“I’ve always wanted a family. Pictured myself with a couple of lil’ tackers running around my ankles. I’ve stolen that from you too.”
She huffed out a surprised laugh. “I’m not that fucking old!”
“No, but what if you don’t meet someone now?”
“Are you saying that you don’t want this? Us?” She enunciated her words slowly. Precisely.
“No.” I shook my head. “I want it. I want us. But you’ve pulled back. I didn’t think….”
“I don’t know what I want. I feel like you did take all those things from me, but I know you didn’t mean it maliciously.” Her words struck like a physical blow, knocking the wind out of me. I rubbed my chest, trying to ease the ache. This time it was Ally who squeezed my hand and stepped closer, placing the palm of her free hand over my heart. “And I got something in return. I got years of friendship from two of the best men I know. Even though I haven’t had many relationships, I’ve had one with you. I’ve had one with Craig. It was friendships, not what I dreamed of, but now the three of us are over. He’s gone and I don’t know how to deal with that. I don’t know who we are without him. I need to find somewhere for just the two of us.”
“Yeah.” My voice sounded strained, the vice in my chest tightening. I nodded. “I don’t know who I am either.” I looked away, blinking back tears. Ally wasn’t the only one of us struggling.
“You really do know, don’t you? We all did the one thing none of us wanted, didn’t we? We hurt each other.” When I nodded, she continued. “How do you see us together in the future without him?”
I shook my head, not really knowing how to be without Craig. We’d spent time apart, sure, but we always knew we’d be together within a few days or weeks. But this time, I was realizing that I might never see him again. And that broke something inside me. Half of my heart had cracked and dropped like an anvil, shattering when it landed, sending shards of the finest slivers cascading along the ground and spreading like the concentric circles of a pond.
I was lost, and I didn’t know how to piece myself back together. But I did know that Ally was still here with me and if anyone had the power to mend what Craig had destroyed, it was her. I wanted to give her the world, and I would fight until my last breath to be there for her and repair the hurt Craig had inflicted on her too. “I want us to be a family.” I cupped her cheek, brushing my thumb over the soft skin there. “I want to wake up next to you and make love to you. I want to hold your hands and grow old together. I want to be sitting on those rocking chairs right there with you when we’re Nan’s age, watching our kids and grandkids run this station.”
“What about Craig?”
