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Chapter Fifteen
Phoenix
It’s been a long day at the studio, and I’m waiting inside the counselor’s office for her to arrive. Last night after we got back from our performance at the club, I had another nightmare. It’s the second one since I arrived, and this time, it went further into what happened than I liked.
After talking to Jonah and his mom this morning, they both agreed I should come and speak to the counselor after class today.
“What can I do to help you, Phoenix?” Alison Carter—the studio counselor—asks with a warm smile.
“Well, actually, I was hoping to talk with someone about ... well ... maybe you’ve read my file? I just ... I don’t have a therapist here ... or anyone really. I thought maybe you could help.” My mind races, but my eyes are trained on my hands locked tightly in my lap.
“Phoenix, don’t be so embarrassed. Your file is vague, but I could get the records from your previous doctor in Australia. If a parent or guardian can sign a release form, you won’t have to fill me in on anything that’s hard to talk about.”
“No, that’s fine. Actually, it’s a relief, to be honest. I hate talking about it,” I let out a long sigh. This was the one thing I dreaded about talking to someone new. I hated rehashing what happened. “I would love for you to get my files transferred. Just let me know what I need to get signed.”
“Of course, I’ll get the papers ready before you leave. But is there anything I can do for you today?” She eases into her high back office chair and waits patiently.
“Well, I’m having nightmares again. I don’t know if it’s from the stress of losing my mom, the move, or the fact I’m living with someone who openly hates me.” My words are whispers, and I’m still not able to look up from my hands.
“Are the Ducanes treating you badly?” she inquires, concern lacing her voice.
“NO, no, no,” shaking my head, I hadn’t meant for it to come across like that. “No, they have been great. It’s their son I’m referring to. He’s been less than welcoming since I got here. I’ve had two run-ins with him. When he invades my personal space, I can’t help but lash out. It’s like a swift knee to the balls is the only way I can get him to listen to me.”
“Hmmm, I see. Is there anything else that seems to trigger the nightmares, or is it just situations where he makes you feel like you don’t have control?” She hovers her pen over her paper, expectantly.
“No, nothing else seems to trigger them. I only have them when he gets too close. I don’t seem to understand why this triggers the nightmares, the only thing I can think of is that it’s because he was Kyle’s cousin.”
“That’s interesting, both nightmares have been triggered by him invading your space in a somewhat aggressive manner. Could it be that when he does this, it reminds you of your attacker? Could the family resemblance coupled with the way he acts toward you be a trigger for you?”
“I’m not sure ... they don’t really look alike—”
“My advice would be to avoid being alone with him when possible. But I also think that maybe we should look at incorporating some sort of self-defense class into your schedule. It can help rebuild your confidence and give you back some control.”
It’s not the first time that self-defense has been raised with me. Mrs. Jolliff suggested the same self-defense classes when my nightmares first started years ago. It was the idea she and my mother came up with to avoid the drugs I didn’t want to take. I know I need my sense of control back more than anything, and if self-defense lessons can help me, I’m willing to give it a shot.
“Okay, I’ll try it. Do you have a recommendation for where I could take these lessons?”
“Well, I’ve got a friend that runs a martial arts studio just down the road, it’s called Destiny. I’ll give you the number and let him know you’ll be calling. A few of the other girls here go down there and train too.” She drops her pen onto her notebooks and starts shuffling through a pile of papers.
“The other thing I wanted to talk to you about ... well ... it’s kind of complicated. After everything that’s happened, I don’t know how to form a relationship with a guy I like. I don’t want him to know about ... everything ... but I don’t know how to avoid it either.”
“I don’t think you can omit your past completely, Phoenix, not forever. I want you to listen to me carefully, okay?” She pauses, taking a sip of her water. “It’s important for you in any relationship you enter, to be honest, and open. There is no getting around the past in the long run, it’s part of who you are, and it’s part of how you handle things.
Sure, you can get away with not being one hundred percent open in the beginning, but as any relationship progresses, you’ll start facing situations that may be triggering. My advice is to get to know this person first before heading into any type of intimate situation, and when you feel ready, tell them what happened, take things at your own pace.”
“So basically, you’re saying I need to be honest, and this will help me feel in control and allow me to set the pace?”
“Yes, Phoenix, that is exactly what I’m saying to you. In order for you to have a healthy relationship, you’ll need to acknowledge the past, but remember, that does not define who you are. And despite a truly horrible event, you can, and you will get past this.”
“You’ve come so far and been through so much, but that has made you stronger. I want to see you weekly for the next month. If you get those papers to me right away, I can have your files here by next week. But remember, to recover from something like this, you need to find control. It was taken from you before, but to move forward, you have to take it back.”
Deep down, I knew she was right. I knew, eventually, I would have to open up about what happened to me. Hell, I’d even told Logan that when he was ready to admit he didn’t know the whole story, he could come to me, and I’d tell him the truth.
Telling Logan is one thing, he was there, and we spent the first thirteen years of our lives together. I loved him once, and I feel like I owe him the truth. But trust doesn’t come so easy for me, and the thought of telling Stryker makes me feel queasy.
I’ve considered talking to Jonah about everything. He’s always been so patient, letting me trust him on my own terms. I feel calm with him, safe even. If I dated him, I know things would be easy between us. But every time I try to get closer to him, all I can think about was the way Logan felt against me in the hallway at school, taking control but lighting me on fire with his kiss.
“What if I like more than one person?”
“That’s perfectly okay, Phoenix. No one would blame you for not wanting to have a normal relationship—all things considered.” She smiles up at me from her notebook. “Don’t concern yourself so much with the parameters of what other people might consider normal. Everything you feel, everything you do, that’s all uniquely normal to you. Whoever you choose to be partners with will understand you have different needs. Just be patient with yourself, be honest in your endeavors, and don’t let anyone judge you.”
Leaving the office, I decide to head home. After being up so late last night at the club, spending a whole day at the studio, and having my first counseling session, I’m exhausted. I just want to crawl in bed with my latest book and relax all weekend.
