Page 2 of Was I Ever Here

But I would never truly let him walk away. I could never let him go.

Finally, when enough time had passed, I rose from the chair, smoothed out my frock coat and left through the front door.

It had rained that morning and the roads were muddy as I looked up to the gray skies, wet spongy clouds still threatening to release another torrent of water on our heads.

The inn we were staying at bordered a small coastal village, the air humid and salty from the rough seas nearby. My eyes roved the countryside trying to find Gabriel. He mustn’t have gone very far. Then I found him. Trekking his way towards the large cliff in the distance.

He’d always been drawn to the water but in this instance, my heart squeezed, hoping he wasn’t as reckless as I thought him to be. Hastily, I followed behind him. At a safe distance, of course, as to make him believe I had honored his earlier request.

He pushed through the small copse of trees at the bottom of the hill, his body swaying from the alcohol as he took large gulps from the gin bottle. The branches snagged on his trousers but he didn’t seem to care.

Up ahead, the cliff was so high it seemed perched on the heavy clouds surrounding it. And Gabriel was heading straight for it.

I began to worry.

Surely he wouldn’t be so foolish.

Then, he stopped mid-track, seemingly entranced. His shoulders began to shake and although he was facing away from me, I knew then he was crying. I yearned to reach him and pull him into my embrace. To never let him go and lick the tears off his beautiful face.

But I kept my distance. I knew he’d blame me for those very tears. But I couldn’t resist following him. As always. My aching need to take care of him even when I was the cause of his pain.

Finally, with the bottle still held limply in his hand, Gabriel started up the slanting muddy hill, panting. I hurried along my shoes sinking in the muddy tracks with every step I took. He reached the cliff and I was now close behind. I didn’t bother to hide my presence any longer. There was nowhere to escape but back towards me.

He stalked towards the edge of the cliff and my heart leapt into my throat. I couldn’t guess his intention and with his inebriation I could no longer trust his actions.

I watched as Gabriel stared down at his boots for the briefest of moments and then leaned down and haggardly tugged them off his feet. One foot and then the other. He threw them over the cliff and into the water with a small grunt. He closed his eyes, digging his toes into the muddy earth, and raised the bottle to his mouth. I could almost taste the salty mist on his parted lips.

Gabriel grew suddenly still as he peered over the edge. The hairs on my arms rose and I could no longer stay quiet as a sudden fear burrowed into my chest.

“Gabriel!” I yelled, trying to keep my voice steady so as not to alarm him.

He swiveled around at the sound of my voice, finding me standing there behind him, his hazel eyes glassy and bloodshot.

“I told you not to follow me Anthony,” he muttered, his voice trembling and the pain I found in his gaze was suddenly unbearable.

“My love. You’ve proven your point. Please step away from the edge. Come back to the room with me,” I pleaded.

“Don’t call me that,” he said, choking through sobs. “What is the point of this love if it is only to leave me so hollow? I am nothing without your love but I am also nothing with it. Can’t you see?”

“Forgive me Gabriel. Just please. Take my hand. Come down from there. Don’t you understand? I am nothing without you either. Who am I without you? You are the very breath in my lungs.”

I was still a few steps away, my hand reaching for his when a large gust of wind blew through. I watched on in horror as his body swayed backwards, knocked off balance from the gin in his blood. His eyes went wide, taking an unexpected step back, grasping at the air in vain.

But it was too late.

My name slipped through his lips in dismay, “Anthony?”

It happened all so fast. Time slipped through my hands as I watched him topple over.

“Gabriel!” I screamed as I ran to the edge.

No. No. No.

This wasn’t happening. Not my Gabriel. My life.

I peered over, terrified. Beyond terrified. There was no one word able to describe the agony I felt.

I bellowed his name once more, watching his body bounce off the jutting rocks and into the crashing waves.

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