Page 55 of Was I Ever Here

“My parents and I were never close but it just worsened after River died. A part of me died that night, like a piece of my soul was just ripped out then and there. Extinguished the moment I saw her dead in the wet grass… It’ll be five years next month.” I mutter while looking out the window at the starry night sky and wishing I could be anywhere but here. “My mother called this morning. I hadn’t talked to her in over a year. She said I should come home for this stupid fucking memorial she’s organizing. But I’m not going. I refuse to go back to where I lost River.”

Finally, Byzantine moves. He leans over and takes the cup out of my hands, placing it on the coffee table nearby. A small piece of me knows exactly what he’s about to do. Slowly, he takes my wrist in his hand and strokes the raised scar with his thumb and I shudder under his touch.

I take a deep breath before speaking again. I hate being this emotionally naked, but still I power through. “It took me a few years to find the strength to do it. I needed her. Every day I needed her. But she was gone. And I was still here. Every fucking day I wasstillhere. Until one day I knew it was time…” I whisper, looking Byzantine in the eyes as he continues to stroke my wrist with his thumb. “It didn’t work. Obviously. When I woke up in the hospital bed, still alive and not with River, the pain was comparable to her own death. I knew then that I had to leave. If I couldn’t die then I would at least leave. And eventually, I did. Ended up in Noxport. And I don’t plan to go back—not ever.”

The words dry up in my throat. Now, I’m just numb. Speaking the words out loud helped me stop the spiral but the haze of the alcohol is still heavy on my senses. My blinks are slow, heavy and I need to sleep. Forever maybe—hopefully.

Still holding on to me, Byzantine stands up from the couch, pulling me off it, and into his arms. My head falls into the crook of his neck, breathing in his calming scent. He smells like the ocean. Like sun-soaked skin and the afternoon breeze. I nestle in closer, inhaling deep while he caresses my hair. His touch is a soothing balm on my searing thoughts.

Gently, he leads me to his bedroom, instructing me to sit on his bed with only his hands and a soft touch. I’m barely here. And he can tell. Slowly, he peels my shirt off, kneeling in front of me and kissing both my palms. His hands graze the length of my arms and over my shoulders, reaching over to untie my bikini top. Then, he slides it off and over my head to join my shirt on the floor. He tugs on my shorts and I lift my hips, sliding both shorts and bikini bottom down my legs.

This isn’t sexual. It’s comforting. It’s care.

The urge to cry is heavy in my chest but I swallow it back down. He heads to his closet and comes out with an oversized t-shirt.

“Lift your arms,” he whispers.

I lift them mechanically and he tugs the shirt over my head. It smells like him, soft to the touch like it’s been washed over and over. He then pulls the duvet down, telling me to crawl under and I do what he says. I curl on my side as I listen to Byzantine move about the room. Finally, he slides next to me, only wearing a pair of fitted boxers and pulls me into him. I have a fleeting thought of thanking him for tonight. But my eyes grow heavy and I fall asleep in his arms instead.

Chapter 31

Sunny

I’mbored.

My mouth is wrapped around Dave Phillips’s dick and I’m bored. My eyes flit to the alarm clock flashing red behind him checking the time. Is this dude ever going to come? He probably has whiskey dick and I’m too drunk to care. Ugh. My jaw is sore and cramping, and did I mention I’m bored?

The coke I snorted earlier is starting to wear off and I’m wondering if I can find anyone willing to share another bump. It’s then I hear a shriek coming from outside, it’s loud enough to pierce through my drunken haze and I freeze.

“Don’t stop,” Dave grunts above me. “I’m almost there, don’t stop.” His hand finds the back of my head, letting him set the pace and after a few thrusts he comes down my throat with a long groan.

I’m quick to my feet, happy it’s over and eager to wash him down with another drink. I leave Dave with his pants still down and walk up the stairs and out of the musty basement bedroom.

I can already hear River’s comment about my tryst with Dave Phillips.

“Real classy Sunny,” she’ll say. I smile at the thought until dread slams into me. The echo of the scream I heard earlier floating back to me. I must be way more wasted than I thought to have already forgotten about it.

As if conjured, I hear it again, followed by another scream and then another. Pure unadulterated fear locks my limbs in place mid-way into the kitchen. It takes me a groggy second to locate where the commotion is coming from. The backyard.

Something’s wrong.

I don’t know what but I just know. I force my legs to move and jog outside only to find my friends crowding the pool. Curious I look around, it’s a cold late summer night, no one has been using the pool. So why is everyone here?

But somehow, I know the truth before I can even explain yet. As if the emotions of my impending reality hits me faster than the sight of what’s to come. As if my mind time-traveled into the future but my body is still walking up to the sullen crowd, wondering what would warrant such a scream.

I look for River, now desperate to find her. I try to ignore the voice inside that’s already aware. Or maybe it’s some psychic twin shit. Nonetheless, I know. But I wish I didn’t.

My eyes are ricocheting between familiar faces trying to find the only face that matters. The crowd parts expectantly, as if they were waiting for me. All I see are pain-stricken faces and I almost choke on my fear. Suddenly I’m pulled aside and into someone’s arms, forcing me to face away from the truth.

The arms belong to a friend and I hear her urgent whisper in my ear as if she screamed it. “Don’t look Sunny. Don’t look.” I can hear the tears thick in her throat. My movements are slow, still inebriated even if I now wish I wasn’t.

“Where’s River?” I croak.

I shove her away but she grabs my shoulder.

“Sunny,” she murmurs.

“River?” My voice is shrill and the crowd silent while I turn back towards the reason why everyone is milling around the pool.

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