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As I look into their eyes, I only see the unconditional love from two women who raised me as their daughter. I want to thank them for everything they’ve ever given me and tell them the truth, but they aren’t the ones desperate to hear me speak—it’s Andy.
* * *
As I ring the doorbell, I note Andy’s black Wrangler is sitting in the driveway.
Julian, Adriana, Luna, and Willow were still at my parents’ house. The adults began drinking when I left, and if Rocky has anything to do with it, they’ll be there well into the early hours of the morning.
When there’s no answer, I contemplate ringing again but instead text Adriana for the code. She quickly responds with no judgment or questions asked. I’ve always had a great relationship with her, and I’m glad she hasn’t pushed to why I’m asking.
Inside, the lights are off, and the house is covered in darkness. Like a road I’ve driven on several times before, I walk down the long dark hall to the other end of the house where Andy’s room is located. The door is closed, and behind it, I have no idea if Andy is in fact in here, but it doesn’t slow my erratic heartbeat. The voices telling me it’s now or possibly never.
The suspense cripples me, so I turn the doorknob and open the door quietly.
The lights are off in here too, yet the sun has just set, and the moon is illuminating the sky, emitting a beautiful light in the room. Andy is sitting on his bed, still wearing the clothes he wore earlier, staring out the large window which overlooks the city. In the distance, the buildings begin to light up, the entire panoramic view so mesmerizing.
Every step closer to Andy, he doesn’t flinch nor move, not one time. I sit on the edge of his bed, keeping my distance. The nerves overcome me as sweat builds in my palms, but I can’t run away anymore from him.
The force between us is too magnetic, and my shield against it crumbled the moment I allowed my heart to beat for him.
“I’m terrified, Andy,” I whisper, swallowing the lump in my throat. “I’m terrified he’ll take Bentley away from me.”
Andy lowers his gaze, remaining silent.
I want Andy to know the truth, just how I feel about him and the demons I carry, which weigh me down each time I breathe.
“The night of our dinner, Benedict…” I choke on my own words, trying not to break down. “He tried to force himself on me.”
The moment it leaves my mouth, Andy’s head snaps in my direction.
“He tried to force himself on you?” he repeats with malice.
I nod, followed by a downward gaze, the humiliation too much to bear. Thankfully, I managed to stop him, but my initial reaction of fear is something that will never leave me.
“I didn’t want to tell you or anyone. I pushed him away and slept in another room. When I tried to talk about it the next day, he pretended it was nothing.” I pause, then continue, “Sorry, he pretended it wasn’t a big deal because I’m his wife.”
Even in the pale moonlight, I can see Andy’s muscles tighten and his jaw clench tight. I’ve witnessed Andy’s temper before, usually involving me on some date which ended badly.
“Why are you telling me only now, then?” he almost barks.
“Because I’m sick of lying about everything. Of how miserable I’ve been these last two years married to a man who I wish would be a father to Bentley. The older Bentley gets, the more I resent Benedict for treating him like a stranger.” I draw in a breath, willing it all to come out. “God, Andy, I see you with Bentley, and I wish you were his father. I pray for a miracle to change everything that’s happened between us, so he’s your son.”
“That’s not how life works,” Andy merely mumbles.
“I know that. God, I know that,” I repeat in frustration. “I love you, Andy. I’ve been in love with you for a very long time. So many moments in the last two years, I thought about you. And each time I did, the guilt ate away at me.”
“Jessa, I—”
I don’t give him a chance to finish, speaking over him. “No, please don’t say anything in return because you feel you have to.”
The absence of our voices forces me to focus on my heavy breathing, confident Andy can hear the loud thumping of my heart. This surreal feeling of knowing I openly said the words I’ve so desperately wanted to say for years leaves me speechless.
Across the bed, Andy reaches his arm out for me. “Come here.”
I place my hand in his, relishing in his warm touch as he pulls me toward him. He guides me to straddle him while he leans against the tall fabric headboard, our faces at the same level.
Andy caresses my cheek with the back of his hand, making me feel so safe, like the world doesn’t exist outside this room. My eyes close momentarily, expelling a small breath as I focus on his touch.
“Look at me, please,” he begs.
