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Even if his subconscious was in the right.
Kathy actually knocked on the open door this time. She had a cup of coffee in one hand and her day planner in the other. He sighed, glancing at the clock. It was just about time for their weekly meeting. He’d forgotten.
Or he’d thought perhaps she was going to forgo it since she couldn’t seem to decide if she wanted to be in or out of his office. He ground his teeth. He wasn’t normally so out of sorts with the people he worked with, especially since they hadn’t done anything wrong. It rankled. He didn’t like feeling this way.
“Ready to get started?” Kathy asked, offering the cup of coffee to him. He took it, smiling tightly. She made excellent coffee.
“Sure,” David said, pulling up his calendar on his computer. “Let me know when you’re ready.”
Kathy settled into the chair and opened her planner, pen poised. She nodded her head, and he started going through his work week. She had access to his calendar from her computer. She could easily have done that. But she preferred to go over things with him this way and he had to admit it made it easier for him to work. When David created an event on the calendar, he wasn’t bothering to also fill in extra details. But it was good for Kathy to know, for instance, that Ed was visiting tomorrow because he wanted to talk about his grandkid’s issues with Hebrew rather than anything to do with board business.
This way she would have the kid’s file ready without having to be asked, and she could contact the Hebrew school’s teacher and the tutor for their comments as well. Nobody wanted to postpone a bar mitzvah, especially not so close to the date. But if the child’s Hebrew was that atrocious, the possibility had to be considered.
If she were any other person, he would think she wanted these kinds of details because she wanted the knowledge of people's personal lives. But Kathy was such a practical woman, he couldn’t see it. He’d never even heard her intimate to anyone any of the details he’d shared with her, even for things that weren’t secret--like who was supplying the flowers for the week.
She was a lead-lined box. It was calming, in its way.
“Rabbi, do you mind if I ask a rather impertinent question?” Kathy said. They’d gone over everything he’d had on his agenda and had reached the stage of the meeting where she asked a few questions about how Dani was doing. He braced himself, he didn’t want to talk about anything that wasn’t work related. He’d gone out of his way to avoid that for weeks now.
“You can ask, “ David said tightly, hoping his face said he’d prefer it if she didn’t. Kathy made a face to show she understood he’d prefer she didn’t, but she wasn’t going to give in. He sighed, sitting back in his chair and waving a hand. “Go ahead.”
“Are you alright?” she asked the question with such genuine concern he nearly fell out of his chair. David opened his mouth to answer and then closed it. He wasn’t sure how to answer that question.
“I--why wouldn’t I be alright?”
“A number of reasons that are none of my business, I’m sure,” Kathy said, adjusting her oversized glasses and closing her planner on her lap before considering him for a long, long moment. “If I could make an observation?”
He nodded; his stomach felt like the coffee he’d drunk had solidified.
“You’ve been working very hard to integrate into the community, and that’s wonderful,” Kathy said, slowly. “You’re very good at your job, and I’m confident the congregation made a wonderful choice.”
“Why do I feel a ‘but’ coming?” David said.
“But,” Kathy responded pointedly, something almost close to humor around her eyes, “I can’t help but notice the past few weeks have been different. If you don’t wish to discuss it, I am happy to pretend this conversation never happened. I just wanted to be sure you were aware. I’m concerned as a colleague, of course, but also, I hope, as a friend.”
“I...” David didn’t know what to say to that. “I have to ask exactly how you mean things have been different.”
He wondered if she were indirectly saying he’d been coasting--which wasn’t entirely far off the mark. It was hard to focus on other people’s problems when his own personal life was in turmoil.
“Oh, nothing that would concern anyone else,” she said airily, waving a hand and seeming to sense where his mind had gone. “It’s only that I know how you were before, and how you are now. And something happened. That’s all. If you’d like to talk about it, I hope you know I won’t repeat it to anyone.”
“I appreciate that,” David said slowly. It was on the tip of his tongue to tell her everything because he needed to talk to someone. Anyone. He’d considered unloading on the teller at the gas station a few days ago. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He was aware it was all ego. He was ashamed of what he’d said to Shoshana and he didn’t want anyone else to look at him the way he looked at himself when he thought about it. It was too much. Who did the rabbi go to when he needed guidance?
“How long until the little one comes back?” Kathy asked, the closest thing to a gentle smile on her face that he’d ever seen.
“Another week,” David said, scratching his chin. Dani was having a wonderful time in Baltimore.
“Does she talk to you often?” Kathy was aware of the arrangement he had with Mariam, had been with Dani more than once when she’d decided to make an impromptu call to her mother. David laughed, knowing he sounded wretched even as he reached for the almost empty coffee mug.
“Not as much as she used to call her mom, that’s for sure,” he said.
“It’s difficult, being away from your child,” Kathy mused, looking out the window to the preschool’s playground. It was empty at the moment, but the brightly colored swings and slides made her point for her. “The first time I was away from my daughter for more than a few nights I drove my husband up the wall.”
“Yeah,” David said miserably, “It’s like--how much can go wrong, right?”
“Is this the first time you’ve spent this much time apart?” Kathy said, still not looking at him. David laughed, maybe for the first time in weeks. The sound surprised him so much he laughed again. He put the mug back on the table and looked at Kathy with something akin to wonder.
“You know, I just realized it is?” He shook his head, so many emotions he couldn’t explain suddenly making sense, “I didn’t--I mean it never even occurred to me--”
