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Amanda sunk down to the edge of my bed and I reached out to take the water.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be saying this,” she mumbled, swiping her eyes with her free hand.
“No,” I hoarsely said. “Talk to me. Please.”
Amanda sniffed, trying to hold back her tears.
“Thinking you were going to die again was just too much. Stacey, I’m so sorry about how I acted at my party.”
I stared, having no idea what to say. Amanda had never apologised for any of our fights in the past.
I waited in silence for her to continue.
“You know, I was so jealous of the attention Dad gave you growing up. Both of you always talking about architecture or the farm or practising your driving for the drag races.” She looked over at me. “You two just clicked. Dad wasn’t interested in my stuff, like shopping or spreadsheets.”
“Wish he had embraced spreadsheets for the farm,” I whispered, thinking about the old farm ledgers that Ryan still used in the office.
“Ha. I guess growing up all I wanted was for him to share some of his attention that he gave to you to me. I just didn’t know how to click with him, like you and Ryan did.”
I licked my lips.If Amanda could say sorry to me, then…
“I shouldn’t have slept with Doug. I knew you had a crush on him. And I’ve never apologised to you for what I did. I’m so very sorry.”
Amanda nodded, looking stunned. “I drunk too much at the party. Seeing Doug after all this time combined with alcohol, ugh. It brought back memories about Dad, how we fought, and I said dumb things.” She sighed. “God, we were such bitches to each other growing up.”
“We so were.” I sipped some water. “Dad heard Doug joke to his mates about how he ‘bagged my virginity’ and didn’t use a condom. Dad was furious. Not only with Doug but also with me for choosing him to lose my virginity with. And we did use a condom but he didn’t believe me. He said I was smarter than that and that he was disappointed in me.”
I sipped more water and continued. “I raged at Dad for not listening to me, and not believing what I had to say. I was so angry I refused to talk to him. He grounded me so it was pretty easy to avoid talking to each other. And then a week later, the bushfire came.”
Amanda stared, her jaw slack. Her hand slowly slid across the sheet and found mine.
“The last thing Dad said to me, when we were getting out of the house, was that he loved me but I never told him I was sorry for being mean to you and disappointing him. I carried his disappointment, and my guilt, for most of the last ten years.”
My sister squeezed my hand.
“I’ve never told anyone that. But I want you to know.”
Amanda sniffed and we sat in silence for a long time, squeezing each other’s hand like a lifeline.
“I miss him,” she whispered.
“Me too.”
“Wish Dad was here to meet Stuart.”
I wish he could have met Harry.
“Amanda, I’m going to do the ABC interview.”
Her eyes searched my face.
“I need to tell my story. I’m ready. But I’m not trying to take anything away from you or your engagement, or wedding. I don’t know how to say it any simpler than that.”
She swallowed hard, opening her mouth to say something as someone walked into my room.
“Holy shit, you’re awake.”
Ryan strode in dressed in clean mechanics’ coveralls. Amanda stood, letting go of my hand as he pressed the alarm button for a nurse and then pulled me into a hug, smelling faintly of grease and soap.
