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I throw a few more logs onto the fire, poking around at the old, charred logs to get it going again, watching the flames pick up almost immediately. We’re going to need to make sure it’s raging when we come back in from the cold. The last thing we need is to come back inside to some sullen logs that burned out while we were trying to pretend like our life isn’t a fucking mess.
I watch as Alex pulls his hat down over his ears, slipping on his ski pants and jacket after. Luckily, we just happened to be dressed for this kind of weather even if I’m wearing this ridiculous neon pink ski suit.
“I have to admit, I kinda love that ski suit,” Alex says, a cheeky smile on his face. “It leaves nothing to the imagination.” He winks now, pulling a smile to my lips.
“And I have to admit, I wore it to make you jealous or at least hoping you’d notice me.” I say this as I’m pulling on this damn atrocity and as much as I hate the suit, I have to admit, I love it too.
It’s what probably saved my life. None of my other gear has a built-in avalanche airbag, something I only had because of Zoey’s family. I can already hear Zoey’s mom and dad talking about how this suit saved my life. Talk about a PR dream come true. And I’m happy to be their spokesperson, given they gave it to me for free. It was a new item, one that was being marketed to the public but was well out of the normal price range, even for avid skiers. It wasn’t going to sell, but maybe now it will.
I pull the suit on, and this time, it’s Alex watching me. “There was never a time I didn’t notice you, Delaney,” he says, making my heart skip a few beats.
He’s quick with the words and he knows exactly what to say that will make me want to give him a second chance. I can’t acknowledge what he just said though; it feels too real and too raw still.
I wiggle a little, the suit fits oddly now with the weight of the airbag gone, but the canvas that once held it is still hanging off the back.
“Here,” Alex says, walking to the kitchen to grab a knife. “I’ll cut it off. It’s no good anymore anyway.”
I nod, suddenly overcome by thoughts of what happened to us. It’s still hard to process why we survived. Most people are buried in an avalanche and die and if they don’t die from that, they die from trauma, like crashing into rocks or trees.
How did we survive?
But maybe that’s the whole thing. I don’t believe in bullshit things like fate or god or whatever, but maybe Alex and I were meant to go through this together because we’re meant to be together. It’s hard not to think about that when we’re both still alive, when we found each other in the massive sea of white we were lost in.
I swallow back the threat of tears, shaking my head a little as Alex cuts the airbag free from my ski suit.
“You okay?” he asks, and I hear the concern in his voice. I don’t want him to know I’m still struggling since last time we discussed it, we spent it arguing.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I reply, lying but knowing if I’m going to get through this, I need to start lying to myself.
“It’s okay if you’re not,” he answers back. “I’m not, but I’m trying to convince myself I’m fine. It’s probably stupid and I’m sure it’s not going to help, but what the fuck else am I supposed to do.”
“It’s not stupid. I’m trying to do the same thing,” I admit. “It hasn’t been that long, but there are moments when everything feels hopeless.” I pause, Alex’s head moving up and down as he agrees with me. “And then…and then there are times, and I’m sure this sounds stupid, but there are times when it feels like we’re on some backwoods camping trip.”
“I don’t think that sounds stupid either. Whatever gets us through the day.”
I let out a small, breathy laugh in response to Alex’s comment. Neither of us says anything more, but for some reason we both look over at the fire, watching the orange and blue flames dance, reminding us that it’s one of the things that is keeping us alive.
“You ready? Snowball fight?” Alex says, walking toward the door and slipping his feet into a pair of the hunting boots we found.
“I am not battling you in a snowball fight in boots that are five sizes too big. I can’t run from you,” I defend, letting out a pretend bothered sigh.
“What the hell were you planning to do out here?” Alex asks, pulling the door open, the cold air and snow hitting us right in the face.
This is so stupid.
“I was just planning to throw a bunch of snow at you and run back inside.” I shove past him, stepping out onto the porch first, I grab a handful of snow with my still warm mitten-covered hands. I toss it right at him, hitting him square in the chest.
“Wait until I get outside!” Alex yells, brushing away the snow that is clinging to his jacket. “You want to clean this out of the house with a pot and a spoon again?”
But he doesn’t give me time to answer, jogging toward me, he gets down low and throws a soft shoulder into my hip. Wrapping his arms around me, we both go off the edge of the porch and into the waiting drift that built up overnight.
The snow buries us, our bodies making an imprint in it as small flakes fall around us. I close my eyes, the weight of Alex’s body on mine and I take it all in.
I’ve always loved the smell of fresh snow and the wilderness. It’s a smell that reminds me of my childhood and learning to ski and everything I love about the outdoors. And now, it reminds me of Alex, someone I find myself falling more and more in love with despite our history.
When I open my eyes, Alex is watching me, his bottom lip pulled between his teeth and when he says my name, so much promise, so much that is left unsaid, hangs on it.
“Delaney, you’ve never been more beautiful than you are right now.” And I swear my heart stops beating. How can he be so infuriating and so perfect all at the same time?
