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But fuck me if it didn’t make my heart beat a little bit faster at hearing it.
Laney slides her arm around my waist, pressing a kiss to my neck as if to encourage me, so without thinking about whether this is a good idea or not, I just open my mouth and start talking.
“Things with my dad didn’t go to shit until after my mom died,” I start, my arm around her shoulders as I hold her against me, my eyes on the ceiling. “Before that happened, we had a really good relationship, same with me and my mom, but after…well after she was gone, everything changed.”
“Did they have a good marriage?” she asks quietly.
“Yeah,” I reply with a nod. “A really good one. Actually, everything about my family was good back then,” I add, remembering how the three of us always felt like this tight little family unit. How even though I was an only child, I never felt lonely or whatever.
“I imagine he was grieving when he lost his wife then?”
“Yeah,” I say, swallowing at the sudden lump in my throat. “We both were.” Delaney kisses my neck again and my eyes close, wishing more than anything that I could just roll us over and lose myself in her rather than tell her all of this. But I know I owe her something after she told me her story and as hard as this all is to say, I actually dowantto tell her.
“It sucked though, because even though we both missed her and were grieving, we somehow stopped talking to each other too. Not just about her either, but about everything. It was like this invisible wall came up between us and neither of us knew how to tear it down.”
I pause, scrubbing a hand down my face as I remember those weeks and months after the funeral, when Dad and I moved through the house like two ships passing in the night. All the meals we spent in silence, the only voices in the house coming from the TV. It had been excruciating and lonely, but I had no idea how to fix it.
“After a while, my dad just threw himself into his work, you know. Spending more and more time at the office and less time at home. Left to my own devices, I did all the things you’d expect from a sixteen-year-old kid with no parental supervision.”
“Got into a lot of trouble?” she asks and without looking, I can tell she’s smiling.
“Gotupto a lot of trouble, yeah, but I didn’t often get caught. Funny thing, when one of your parents is dead and the other doesn’t give a shit, you can kinda get away with a whole host of stuff.”
Delaney props herself up again, a sympathetic look on her face as she looks down at me. “I’m sure your dad gives a shit, Alex,” she says. “He just didn’t know how to process his own grief.”
“Yeah, I guess,” I say with a shrug. “He certainly learned to process it eventually, though.”
“What do you mean?”
I roll my eyes as they turn back to the ceiling, still fucking hating what happened after. “Moved on, got himself a girlfriend.Girlfriends, actually.”
I pause, my eyes closing as I remember how the next few years played out with this endless parade of women coming over for dinner. I pretty much ignored all of them, which I’m sure made my dad even more pissed off as he wined and dined them like he was Don Juan or something.
“He and my mom had been high school sweethearts and suddenly there was this endless parade of fucking idiots coming through the door. Like he was making up for lost time or something, it was fucking embarrassing and just…”
I trail off, recognizing the fucking irony in my words because an endless parade of girls is literally how I’ve spent my life to date too.
I shove a hand through my hair, turning back to Laney with a wry smile on my face. “Kinda rich coming from me, huh?”
She smiles, her hand moving to my cheek again as she leans in and brushes her lips against mine in a soft kiss. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, Alex,” she whispers. “It sounds like you went through a lot growing up.”
“Yeah,” I murmur. “But still, I hated what he was doing and then I went and did the exact same thing. Seems pretty fucked up when you think about it.”
She slides her hand down my neck to my chest, flattening her palm over my heart. I’m sure she can feel it pounding in my ribcage right now, but I don’t care. “Do you think that’s why you did do that?” she asks gently. “Like maybe you were trying to, I don’t know, get back at him in some way?”
I huff out a breath, shaking my head. “Nah,” I tell her.
“No?”
“No,” I repeat. “I’m a manwhore as you called me because I don’t ever want to get attached to someone. Don’t ever want to go through what my dad did when he lost the woman he loved. It…it fucking destroyed him and us and I just…fuck…”
Delaney turns me toward her so we are now lying side by side on the mattress, facing each other, her hand cupping my jaw. “Why do you think you’ll lose someone if you let them get too close?” she whispers.
“I don’t know,” I exhale, shrugging, my eyes moving to look over her shoulder. “But I didn’t wanna risk it. So yeah, I’m a dick with girls. Never letting anyone get too close and never telling anyone anything personal or real.” I pause, swallowing hard as my gaze finds hers again. “Well, until you.”
Delaney smiles, her thumb grazing across my cheek as she leans in, her nose brushing against mine and her lips almost, but not quite, kissing me. “I think you’ve been more real with me than anyone I’ve ever met,” she whispers. “And I’m glad that you are, and I promise you’re not going to lose me because of it.”
I slip my arm around her waist, pulling her close as I press my lips against hers in a kiss that starts off soft and slow but quickly turns into something more. I feel Delaney’s tongue as it runs along my bottom lip, a groan rumbling deep in my chest as I tease her lips open with my tongue.
