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Honor looked up at him with tears swimming in her eyes. She held up her hand. “Please don’t say that,” she said, her voice quivering.
Goose bumps raised up on the back of his neck. There was something going on with Honor that surpassed her worry about the calf. Clearly, his comment about motherhood had struck a nerve. He needed to know what was going on with her. Had he done something?
“What is it?” he asked. “What did I say to upset you like this?” A sudden tension hummed and pulsed in the air between them.
“I was a mother, Joshua,” she said, swiping away tears with her fingers. “For a brief moment in time I was pregnant with a child. Our child!”
* * *
“I suffered a miscarriage.” Finally, after all these years it felt good to say the words out loud. She had been carrying this secret for such a long time.
Joshua’s jaw went slack. He let out an agonized sound. “Honor. When did it happen? You never said a word.”
“It was shortly after I arrived at college. I was under a lot of stress and I hadn’t told anyone about the pregnancy. By that time, I had no idea where you were or what you were doing. When I lost the baby, I figured it no longer mattered.”
Tears pooled in his eyes. “I’m so sorry. I wish I’d known. I’m so sorry you had to go through that type of pain. It guts me to know you had to go through all of it alone.”
She winced as painful memories swept over her. Honor hadn’t told a single person about the pregnancy or subsequent miscarriage. “And I was all alone to deal with it. I didn’t have a single person to confide in or to cry on their shoulder.”
“I wish I could’ve helped you through it,” Joshua said. She could hear the agony laced in his voice. “We could have mourned the loss together.”
Why hadn’t she confided in Paige or Ruby or Hazel about her pregnancy? She had felt such shame. As an unmarried woman, Honor had felt ashamed about conceiving a child. She and Joshua had both been struggling a bit with their faith at the time of conception. Neither had lived up to the values of their faith by having sex without the benefit of marriage. Although it had been a mistake to do so, Honor had dearly loved her baby. She had been committed to raising the child with love and faith. It had all been ripped away from her in the most devastating way.
“Honor, please. Let me hold you,” Joshua begged. “I don’t want you to carry the weight of this on your shoulders. I can carry the burden from now on.” Tears were streaming down his face. She could see how much pain he was in. It mirrored her own emotions.
Joshua reached for her and pulled her into his arms. She felt almost weightless. For so long she had been holding this secret close to the vest. Finally, she was able to share it with the person who should have known from the beginning. Her baby’s father. Joshua’s strong arms held her tightly. She relaxed against him, giving in to the need to be comforted.
All of a sudden, Theo was standing at the stall entrance, his expression somber as he looked back and forth between them. She pulled away from Joshua.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were here, Honor,” Theo said, his eyes widening as he looked back and forth between them. With her tearstained face, Honor knew she must look like a mess.
She ducked her head down, feeling embarrassed that Theo had seen her in such an emotional state.
“I’m sorry you’re upset, Honor. I guess you heard the news?” Theo asked, looking at Honor with sympathy radiating from his eyes.
* * *
“Theo!” Joshua said in a sharp voice. “It’s really not a good time.”
“What news?” Honor swung her gaze back and forth between the brothers.
Theo’s eyes widened. “She doesn’t know?”
“I’ll tell her in my own time!” Joshua said, furious that Theo had barged in and practically blurted out the information about the injunction.
“I’m sorry. I never meant to butt in,” Theo said, quickly retreating and leaving the room.
As soon as he left the room, Honor took a step away from Joshua. She looked at him with suspicion radiating from the depths of her eyes. “What’s going on? Theo isn’t very subtle. What was he getting at?”
There was no point in hiding it any longer. Honor would find out before the day was done. “The judge rescinded the injunction. As of this afternoon, we’re free to sell the Diamond R to whomever we choose.”
A shell-shocked expression crept over her face. “I—I can’t believe it,” she said, stammering. “I was so sure we were on the right side of things.”
“I’m sorry,” Joshua said. “I know how disappointed you must be.”
Her expression was one of utter disbelief. Joshua felt a pang in his heart. She was clearly crushed. It killed him to see her like this. This felt like anything but a victory.
Dear Lord. Please help me find the right words to buoy her spirits. I never wanted her to feel deflated or to feel defeated. It hurts to see her so incredibly wounded. Honor is tough, but at this moment she looks as if she’s ready to shatter. Please let me be the one to help her pick up the pieces.
