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Caleb leaned forward across the table. “Did you know my mother?”
“Yes. Of course. We all lived on the same block,” Chandra answered.
“Do you have any idea of what happened to her? Is she still living?” Caleb asked, his heart in his throat. His pulse was racing like crazy.
“Of course I do. Her name is Rayna Johnson. She still lives in Tampa. I see her all the time.”
Caleb felt his jaw drop. He felt conflicted. He felt both relieved and incredibly angry. If his mother was still alive and residing in the state of Florida, why hadn’t she ever reached out to him? Did she really hate him that much? Was he worthless in her eyes?
“Incredible!” he said, anger surging up inside of him. After all these years he still felt the sting of it. Abandonment. Being tossed aside. Losing all the ties to his blood relatives. It still wounded him. “Not a word from her in all these years. Not a message or a note. Not even the hint of anything.”
“Caleb, I may be speaking out of turn, but I’ve heard her talking about you with my Mama. She’s never forgotten you. And she’s certainly never stopped loving you.”
“How can you say that? She abandoned me, Chandra. She terminated her parental rights and basically gave me up to strangers.” His tone was explosive. Caleb couldn’t rein in his feelings. They’d been festering for decades.
Chandra nodded. “I know you’ve been through a lot, but so has she. It’s not my place to tell you her truths, but I’m begging you to let me tell her I ran into you. Talk to her. Meet her for lunch. I promise you it’ll change your outlook. And maybe your entire life.”
He felt his face crumple. Caleb shook his head. “What would I do?” He scoffed. “Meet her for lunch? No, I’m sorry. I won’t be doing that. I can’t think of a single thing I want to say to her. And I appreciate it if you don’t tell her where to find me. After twenty
years, it’s a little bit late to make nice with me. Where was she for the last two decades?”
“Caleb, please,” Addie pleaded. Tears were coursing down her cheeks and she looked distraught. “I can see this is incredibly painful for you.”
“I’m sorry if I’ve overstepped, but I just know how Rayna has suffered over the years. She had no idea where you were all of these years.” She held up her hands. “Don’t go off on me, Caleb. I know you’ve suffered also. But sometimes in life things aren’t black and white. There are so many shades in between. And it’s honestly not my story to tell.”
Caleb took a calming breath. None of this was Chandra’s fault. He had no business raising his voice with her. “I’m sorry for blowing off steam, Chandra. It’s just frustrating. How could she possibly love me?” He shuddered. “If that’s love, I don’t want to have a single thing to do with it.” His shoulders heaved and his body sagged against the chair. “I won’t be tracking her down and I appreciate it if you respect my privacy and don’t tell her you’ve seen me.”
“I’m going to get out of your hair,” Chandra said. “Again, I’m sorry if I said too much. I thought I was doing the right thing. I apologize if I overstepped. Addie has my number in case you want to reach out to me.” She clutched her purse to her chest and made her way toward the swinging door. When she reached it, she turned around to Caleb. There was moisture pooling in her eyes. “I know this comment might not be welcome at the moment, but I can’t not say it. Even though I was just a kid, I remember being around you and Rayna. She loved you. You loved each other. I know I didn’t imagine those things.” With a nod of her head, Chandra disappeared through the swinging door.
As soon as she left the kitchen, Caleb let out a ragged sigh. He felt as if he’d been holding his breath the entire time Chandra was speaking to him. He felt battered and bruised.
Rayna. That was his mother’s name. He remembered the musical sound of it. It was yet another thing he’d stuffed down into the little black hole. If he closed his eyes he could see her face, as if through a filmy lens. Wide, mahogany colored eyes. A rounded nose. Full cheeks.
He shook his head. He couldn’t believe it. A blast from the past. He felt as if he’d been knocked over by tsunami-force winds. It was all coming at him fast and furiously.
“Caleb, talk to me,” Addie said in a tender voice. “I know you were blindsided by what Chandra had to say and I’m so very sorry. I had no idea her words would affect you like this. You look shattered.”
He let out a noise that sounded more animal than human. “Just hearing my birth mother’s name wrecked me. Rayna Johnson. It brings back such a groundswell of emotion. It’s like I’ve been thrust back into the past just by hearing her name. As soon as Chandra said Tampa this dark feeling came over me.” He shuddered. “It’s crazy. How could I have blocked it all out?”
She began rubbing his shoulders. “Were your parents ever able to tell you anything?”
“They told me she couldn’t raise me. That she gave me up.” He swallowed past the bile rising up in his throat. “When I pushed for more details they said there were allegations of abuse and they revolved around the fire. I’m not sure how much they knew. They’re not the type to hide information.”
Addie let out a shocked sound. She raised a hand to her mouth. “Oh, how awful. But that sounds quite different from what Chandra was alluding to, doesn’t it?”
“Chandra was a child herself. How could she accurately portray what was going on in my home behind closed doors?” Caleb raised up his sleeves so his forearms were showing. The markings on his brown skin had faded a bit with time, but they were still visible. There were more of them on his torso and hip. “See these marks? I was in a fire when I was a kid. That’s when I was taken away and placed in foster care. For all I know she was the one who gave me these burns.”
Addie let out a shocked sound. She reached out and ran her fingers along his scars. “Oh, Caleb. I’m so sorry. This must have been terribly painful. Burns are some of the most agonizing wounds human beings can suffer.” Tears slid down Addie’s face. Caleb reached out and wiped them away with his finger. Addie was such a tender-hearted woman.
“Please don’t cry, Addie. These scars represent the fact that I’m resilient. I bounced back from unimaginable horror. I don’t know the circumstances of the fire. I’m not sure I want to know, to be honest. These scars speak volumes. Perhaps they’re here to remind me that I shouldn’t even think about going back to that dark time.”
Addie was making loud sniffling noises. Caleb placed his arm around her and drew her in close to his chest. “I’m sorry,” she wailed. “I’m trying not to cry. But all I can picture is a pint-sized version of you being trapped in a fire. It breaks my heart.”
He cradled Addie in his arms. “Shh. It’s all right. My memories of it are mere shadows now. I remember being alone and being frightened of the smoke with no way out.” He shook his head, wondering why memories were so complicated. “I suppose it’s a blessing I don’t remember more of it.”
“Oh, Caleb. I’m so sorry I brought Chandra back here to talk to you. I never want to bring you pain.”
He looked down into Addie’s eyes. What he saw in the depths of her eyes shocked him. He wasn’t certain—it was merely a strong hunch—but he swore he saw love burning in her eyes. Love? Was Addie in love with him? The idea of it made him feel nervous. She was such a tender, sweet woman, one who had been a bit sheltered from life. Although he had feelings for her, could he really say it was love? When he compared it to his feelings for Felicity he knew he wasn’t in love with Addie. And he didn’t want to hurt her. She was like a beautiful butterfly who had come out of her cocoon. He didn’t want to wound her. His own life was so complicated at the moment and getting more complex each and every day.
