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He looked around him. Lots and lots of Donahues were gathered at his family home to celebrate. Heath felt like a brat for not reveling in the birthday celebration, but he couldn’t make himself feel completely happy. It was something he had struggled with his entire life. But now, on the day he’d been brought into this world, feelings of heartache trumped everything else.
Bella. He missed her. It was difficult not being with her, even though he knew it was the right thing. Breaking up with her had been the hardest choice he had ever made in his life. But in Heath’s opinion, loving someone meant protecting them. In this case, he’d been safeguarding Bella from himself. Bella deserved somebody strong and true. She didn’t need a man who couldn’t seem to get past his issues in order to live a healthy, balanced life. It wouldn’t be fair to saddle her with all of the demons he dealt with on a daily basis.
Even though he knew these things from a practical point of view, he still couldn’t manage to erase Bella from his mind. Sweet, loyal Bella. What had loving him every gotten her but heartache?
His oldest brother, Parker, clapped him on the back. “Happy Birthday, Heath. May this year be your best ever.”
Heath made a face. He wasn’t sure if Parker’s wish would come true. Heath had made so many mistakes lately. And now he was paying for it. His heart hurt more than he’d ever imagined it was possible. Bella. Just the thought of her made his heart ache.
Heath had made a huge mistake. A colossal one! One year ago when he had returned from military service overseas, he had been racked with depression. Seeing his best friend blown to smithereens by an bomb had been traumatic and devastating.
As a man of faith, Heath didn’t understand God’s plan.
Seeking a little quite amidst the mayhem of his whirlwind of a family, Heath went outside and found himself gazing at the beautiful Pelican Bay sunset.
“Is everything all right?” His brother Caleb’s voice washed over him. Heath stared out across the water. The endless vista stretched out before him was stunning. Sand. Surf. Sea. It seemed so tranquil, yet it stood in direct contrast to the chaotic emotions churning inside of him. It felt like he was at the bottom of a cliff trying to claw his way back to the top.
The last few months had been bruising ones. After returning home from Afghanistan, he had fallen into a deep dark black hole where no one or nothing could reach him. His large, bustling Donahue family had tried over and over again to help him, to no avail. He had been stubborn. Prideful. And living his life through a fog of despair and grief.
Heath shrugged. “I’m grateful for the party, but I don’t feel like celebrating really. Don’t pass that on, either. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I know they really wanted to make tonight a joyful celebration.”
Caleb narrowed his gaze as he stared at him. “Is this about Bella?” he asked. “Or other things?”
“Mostly Bella, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t all twisted up inside before we broke up,” he admitted. “I think about Vinny every day.”
Bella was out of his life. Thinking he was doing her a favor, Heath had broken up with his childhood sweetheart, Bella Vincente. In breaking up with the love of his life, he had been under the belief that he’d been doing her a favor. Heath had been trying to be noble.
In reality, he’d been such a fool. But the aftermath of being in a war zone had left him a shell of a man. His head had been all jumbled up. After watching his best friend’s brutal death, something inside him had snapped. He’d been so tired of hurting the woman he loved. Over and over again he had wounded her. But giving her up had dealt him more pain than he had ever imagined. And now that he had a handle on some of his issues, he wanted Bella back. He needed her.
“Are you still going to counseling?” Caleb asked.
Heath let out a sigh. “Yes. I still go once a week.”
“Is it helping?”
“It’s a lot of hard work,” he muttered. “To be fair, I think it’s really helped me, although it’s not something I feel totally comfortable with. I never imagined I’d be sitting on a therapist’s couch trying to figure out what’s going on with me.”
“It’s brave of you to do it, Heath. You’ve been through a lot,” his brother said with knowing eyes. “Being in a war zone and watching your best friend die a horrific death was scarring. You’ve got to give yourself a break. It doesn’t mean you’re weak to need help.”
“I’m glad I got the PTSD diagnosis,” Heath told him. Just saying the words made him feel a little ashamed. He was supposed to be tough. He’d had to be strong for most of his life and during his years in the service. Soldiers couldn’t be weak. No fear. It had been the motto of his unit. He had operated with no fear until the day Vinny had lost his life in a random and brutal manner.
“That sounds reasonable,” Caleb said. “It all makes sense. Trauma has to be worked through.”
“Do you think Bella would talk to me if I reached out to her?” Heath wanted to see his ex-girlfriend badly. Even if it was just a glimpse of her, he would be all right with it. But he had to know she was doing okay. He wanted to see her gorgeous face and smell the sweet scent of vanilla and roses that she wore each and every day. Truthfully, he wanted to kiss her and bury his face in her hair. He wanted to bring her a bouquet of sunflowers and take a walk with her on Pelican Bay beach. He wanted so many things that centered around the woman he adored.
“You’ll never know if you don’t try,” Caleb said. “If it was Addie, I’d go to the ends of the earth to make things right.”
Heath smiled. One of the highlights of the last few months had been Caleb and Addie’s wedding. It had been a small affair filled with family and friends. They had wanted to tie the knot as soon as possible after their whirlwind engagement. Heath had never seen two people who were more grounded in their love for one another. The wedding bug was catching in his family. Two down and five to go, Heath realized. It was hard to imagine himself getting married. He wasn’t sure he was marriage material, with his mood swings and melancholy. Bella deserved someone who would bring sweetness and light to her life, not unpredictability.
“I’m not sure about making things right,” he said in a gruff voice. “But I would like to see her and make sure she’s doing okay.” He made a face. “I haven’t heard a word in months.”
“Usually that’s how breakups work,” Caleb quipped. “She may be trying her best to move on like you told her to do.”
Hearing Caleb say it so bluntly gave him a reality check. Even though he had done it with the best of intentions, he’d hurt Bella in the process. She had been head over heels in love with him. And he was still desperately in love with her, to the point where he couldn’t imagine ever loving another woman. And it pained him to imagine her with someone else.
“What are you trying to do, Caleb? Monopolize the birthday boy?” Caleb’s better half, Addie, walked up and slid her hand into her husband’s.
Caleb leaned down and placed a tender kiss on Addie’s temple. Normally, such a loving display wouldn’t bother Heath, but at the moment he was feeling vulnerable. He yearned for Bella. No one in his family needed to rub his nose in it for him to recognize the truth. He’d made a colossal mistake when he had ended things with Bella. The last five months had been pure torture.
