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Remembering my conversation from this morning, I groaned. Did I really ask him if he wanted female companionship? He seemed amused by my question but adamant that I stay in his room. The whole situation was way out of my league. I wasn’t used to a guy wanting me in his bed for anything other than sex and I certainly never met a guy who genuinely cared about my feelings or needs.
Was I holding him back? What if he wanted to go fuck one of those club girls? Or what if he needed to beat off and there wasn’t privacy? A guy like him was virile and horny most of the time. He was attractive, smart, and the way he looked in jeans and leather, damn, I would be a fool not to notice.
But where did that leave me? I didn’t know my own body anymore. I didn’t have a clue how to read what I desired above pleasing a guy and making him cum. I’d been conditioned for a man’s pleasure. My entire existence was made up of survival from one minute to the next. Staying under the radar. Trying not to piss Alexi or Sean off. Spreading my legs whenever I was told without hesitation.
I didn’t know how to live my life for me.
In the whole of my existence, I’d never confronted anything more terrifying than starting all over again and figuring it all out.
The only thing worse was the way that my sister looked at me when she thought I wouldn’t notice. Like I was broken and about to fall apart again at any time. She wasn’t the only one who thought so. I caught the glances in my direction. The looks of sympathy. The judgement.
“I wish I wasn’t so messed up,” I whispered aloud, forgetting the room wasn’t empty as my head lifted.
“I know what you mean.”
Shadow’s softly voiced words sounded as tormented as my own.
“I feel like I’m drowning,” I admitted, hardly aware that tears had filled my eyes and spilled over silently down my cheeks.
“Me too.” His dark eyes were full of emotion I recognized – regret, pain, guilt, and rage.
The rage I understood the most.
“I’m hurting but I’m angry,” he seethed, sitting forward slightly as I reached across the table, reaching for his hands. “I’m so pissed off. I can’t let it go.”
“I don’t know how to stop hurting.” Gripping his fingers, I was surprised when he squeezed back. “I don’t know how to let it go either.”
“Maybe,” he faltered, “Maybe we can help each other.”
“Yeah, I’d like that.”
“Me too.”
MUSIC THUMPED THROUGH my chest as I entered the common room, zigzagging my way through the crowd. The air was saturated with the scent of leather, weed, and alcohol. Becca was serving drinks from behind the bar with another girl I’d never met before with black and blue hair. Maybe she was someone new since my arrival. I didn’t really care but since I wanted something to drink, I headed that way.
Becca gave me a bright smile. “What’s your poison, Naomi?”
Naomi not Trixie. Did my sister tell everyone to use my real name?
“Diet coke with grenadine.”
“Ah, girl likes cherry,” she announced with a wink. “Coming right up.”
As soon as she handed over my drink I smiled and took a sip, giving her my thanks before finding my sister who was sitting on Rael’s lap. He was deep in conversation with Bodie, Lucky, and Grim. Every single one of the bikers had an ol’ lady with them.
Bodie had an arm slung around Sasha’s shoulders as she munched on a bowl of popcorn, rubbing her belly. Cindi was sharing the bowl and both women had tossed in Milk duds to help with their craving. Couldn’t really blame them. I enjoyed chocolate-covered caramels and popcorn too. Nylah told me they were pregnant a couple of weeks ago and had the same due date in the early fall.
Trish, the president’s ol’ lady was also pregnant but in the early stages. Everyone at the clubhouse knew she was sick most of the day and she seemed pale, dozing on Grim’s shoulder as he held her against his chest.
The whole scene reminded me that the Crossroads wasn’t just a meeting place for the members of the Tonopah Royal Bastards MC. This was their home. The bikers and their women were family.
Longing hit my chest hard and I knew I didn’t belong here. I lived here but it wasn’t my home. Not really. Just a place to rest my head at night. Patriot took care of me but how long was that going to last? Until he got tired of me or bored?
Everyone else fit in here. I didn’t.
Spinning on my heel, I rushed toward the hall and only relaxed once I was alone. I saw Shadow slipping out the side door and was tempted to follow him but I never got a chance.
“Mimi? You okay?” Patriot must have been looking for me.
