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Chapter 4
ZADE
Heaven’s Loss
SOMETIMES I THINK I know something, but then it turns out that I have no idea. The Higher Power tests me and the other brethren over and over, but it’s not because It doesn’t believe in us. These tests help us work through difficulties, and right now, Raven is my number one problem.
At least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself.
What Cassius has been telling me.
How our brethren could go from five to four at the heart of the particular soul so long ago baffled me. Apart from Lucifer, Kase, and Dante abandoning their purposes to start their own paths with such a vile place as Hell, a place the Higher Power cursed them with instead of the paradise they sought, Elias was the only other angel I’ve ever known to leave home. How he found himself entangled with a mortal soul was hard to fathom. It was not our place to get involved as we watched humanity. But he got too close. And then he disappeared. All for the soul.
I thought that was the end of it, and his departure an anomaly. We all thought it.
Then the soul returned. I could expect Micah to fall. He had a bond with Elias, and they were close. It wouldn’t be unthinkable.
But Andre? My closest, most trusted companion?
I never imagined it until the moment I saw him touch her soul.
I feared it wouldn’t be long. I had hoped to keep him on his path, but I wasn’t enough. My light isn’t as bright as hers.
Now that I stare deeply into Raven’s eyes, searching the light of her soul for the answers of questions I don’t even know how to ask, I realize why. She reminds me of home, of Heaven, of the things in the world we fight to protect. If only I could figure out why she does and how it’s possible with the chains of darkness imprisoning her to a place I can hardly tolerate.
“If you keep staring at me like this, I’m going to kiss you to make you stop.” Raven’s eyes shift as she studies my face.
I continue to stroll down the hellacious path in the expanse of souls lost to their own personal Hell just below the surface of the road. I’ve never seen such a sight. There are hundreds of souls trapped under my boots in currents of Hell water only accessible by the demons who control this place for Kase.
“As much as I’d like to continue learning the reasons why Andre gave up his divine purpose for you, I must decline. Your emotions are far too fragile, and I’m nearly certain if I allow another demon to get within a foot of you, your cheeks will be forever branded with your tears. The sorrow and fear over being defiled by such a monstrous entity still blazes in my heart. I’m not sure either of us can survive any more trauma.” I inhale a small breath, forcing my gaze away from Raven’s. “You might be strong and resilient, but not every unfortunate thing adds to your strength. Mortals only say that to feel better. Sometimes, a soul just gets hurt and healing could last a lifetime. I do not want to be the reason for that.”
I shudder, pushing the thought away. I hope she doesn’t hold my need to guard her precious body and soul against me. Raven is the only way I can safely gain access to this realm. I can tether to her light and follow her here, since she crossed over in death and was dragged out by Andre. Without her, I would risk losing my wings. I can’t. It pains me so much knowing that I’ll never see light within Andre again.
“I don’t even know how to respond to that, Zade. I thought you were a dickhead, you know. A righteous bastard. Is that only around Cassius? And what do you mean about you can feel my trauma?” Her bluish-green stare burns into the side of my face, but not in a painful way. The weight of her attention helps distract me from my own wandering thoughts and I stroll with her in my arms through a valley of the damned.
“Your emotions run rampant through me as if they are my own. I’m not used to it. I hadn’t realized how...messy it is to connect with a soul not at peace. It’s perplexing. Like now, you smile at me, but your soul weeps. You hurt on a deep level.” I adjust her in my arms. “But you are also so guarded that I can’t help you.”
Her smile widens, her eyes crinkling in the corners. Among her pain, a bit of humor breaks through. “Silly angel. You’ve been around literally forever. Don’t you understand the concept of putting on a brave face? And why do you think you can help me? You haven’t been much help to my soul. Thanks for protecting my body, though. I’ll give you that.”
I open and close my mouth, trying to think of a way to convince her that I am more than the brute strength that comes with my angelic warrior power. I’m not sure why I feel the need to. I shouldn’t care how she feels about me. She’s not among Heaven’s beloved. But a deep part of me craves to show her that I’m not a being who lives purely for vengeance and keeping Hell at bay. I am here for humankind. Her thoughts are tangled by the darkness, so she thinks our light is the problem. I can sense it. Heaven is her enemy. Hell is her captor. All she wants is to find a balance and peace.
Purgatory.
I’m beginning to understand her reasons...I think. But comprehending them is another story. God help me. If only I had Andre by my side. It was these types of situations we would ponder together. He shut me out before we could. Heaven is not the only one feeling his loss. It buries deep in my very essence, and I have no clue how to fix it. Everything I could try will jeopardize me. I will not abandon grace. I won’t.
“Zade? I’m sorry. I was a bit harsh. I’m just so upset and scared. I’m pissed the fuck off at Lucian. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Raven’s soft voice coaxes me from my thoughts. Her warm fingers touch my cheek, and she wipes my tears away. I hadn’t realized I was crying.
I use the back of my hand to dry the rest of my face and blink a few times. “There is no need to apologize. It is not your fault. I appreciate your honesty. I’m sure with a bit more time, I will learn how to...put on a brave face, like you. No more tears.”
Her brows knit together, her pouty mouth drawing my attention away from her eyes. “You don’t have to do that. Being sensitive isn’t a bad thing. You don’t need to fake things. I just—it caught me off guard. I like being able to tell what you’re feeling.”
How curious. I feel the same. I’d prefer she not confuse me with smiles that do not match what’s going on inside her, no matter how beautiful she looks doing so. And right now, frowning in concern, she remains just as stunning. If not more so. Not because I like seeing her sad. I like knowing that she isn’t cold to me. She’s opening up her fiery protective walls.
A zap of heat strikes me in my chest, and I gasp.
She unexpectedly lets me in completely, and my angelic sight kicks on, setting her aglow. A small gasp escapes her. Trailing her hands from my cheeks, she glides them down my neck and back up into my hair. Her hot lips shock me, sending sparks across my skin. One second she’s pouting and now her mouth is on mine, her fingers curling in my hair, her body shifting until her legs wrap around me.
It feels like Heaven comes to Hell, here to put this wretched world in its place.
