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Fuck me. Why does my mind have to go and ruin the moment? I just want so badly to rewind my brain and get back in the shower with Wilder. I want to jump into his arms and kiss him, giving in to his affection this time. I want to fuck him until he knots with me, claiming me as his omega. My need grows more intense, but it’s just my body and my mind at war with each other. I know better. Once such an act happens, it’s over for me. I know how bonding works. No one will ever compare. I’ll live the rest of my life unsatisfied and unfulfilled. Unwanted.
I’m already too reliant on these alphas. Reliant on Desmond too. And where does this whole situation leave him? Holly just assumed that because Desmond was a beta that I wouldn’t be interested in him, but I don’t know. My uncle broke me and changed me. I can no longer think like I had before.
If anything, Desmond would be my safety net. With him, there’s a lot less to lose.
“Kinsey, come back here. Let me just hug you for a minute. I can smell your emotions, and it hurts me. I know you’re not okay, and I’m not going to demand you pretend to be. What you went through today? It was unacceptable. I take full responsibility, and I’m so sorry.” Wilder stands soaking wet outside the shower, staring at me as I bow my head, my eyes burning with tears. I must’ve zoned out, because I don’t even remember drying off and wrapping the towel around myself.
I shake my head, just wishing for a moment alone. I hate him seeing me like this. I don’t want his brothers to come rushing to me and treating me as if I’m some fragile woman. I need to process this without everything crushing me. Smothering me.
I need one of those fucking suppressant pills. I almost feel as if I’ll die if I don’t take one now. Is it a shitty way of escaping? Maybe. But I don’t care. They’re called suppressant pills for a reason. They’ll level out my body and help me put my wall back together now that these men tore it apart and smashed it.
“You don’t have to apologize. I knew the possibility of something bad happening. I just—I’m sorry. I’m going to go back to my room. I might check on Holly as well. I want to tell her about the drugs. She should hear it from me. You should update your brothers and let them know. I’ll be fine.” I stride toward his bedroom door, not waiting for him to respond.
I spot the bag of pills on the table by the door, and I grab it and rush out of the room, knowing that Wilder will stop me if he catches me.
Enzo calls my name from the hallway as if he’s been waiting for me to leave Wilder’s room, but I don’t stop. I run toward the study and where I know I’ll find an access door that’ll take me to Holly’s room.
I slam the door and hope no one chases after me all because I don’t want to have to explain myself. I’m not ready to tell them exactly why this fucked up situation got to me even worse than I expected it to. All I want is to just redirect my attention. Away from my attraction toward Wilder. Away from my carnal need to distract myself in the way I fantasize about in this moment, seeing him hard and ready to claim me. How his scent hypnotizes me.
Sex isn’t the way to go no matter how much I think about doing it with Wilder. That’s how I know I’m acting irrationally. One day and a couple hours of him being caring doesn’t make up for how horrible he has treated me up until that point. He can have all the excuses he wants, but I’m not going to let his scent and my deep-seated nature, driven from my order as an omega, control me.
I slap my hand over the keypad, praying that it opens for me. All it does is turn red, none of the guys have programmed it to allow me access yet. I bang my hand on the door, my body shaking, my anxiety getting the best of me.
“Holly? Holly, it’s me. I’m back. I thought we could hang out.” I hope she can hear the words, and I bang again.
She doesn’t respond, and my heart sinks into my stomach.
A familiar scent wafts next to me, and a shadow grows on the wall. I keep my head bowed and my hands in tight fists. Enzo waits for me to look at him, but I can’t.
He surprises me by placing his hand on the keypad and opening the thick metal door to Holly’s suite. He doesn’t say anything and retreats a few feet, not trying to talk or anything.
I puff out a breath and tap my knuckles on the wood, thankful that Enzo doesn’t pressure me to talk to him. He simply just opens the panic room door, so I can proceed with my mission.
“Holly? Are you busy?” I ask, my voice choking up as I try to keep myself together.
The door swings inward, and I catch sight of the petite hazel-eyed girl with blond hair several shades lighter than Arsenio’s mop of honey strands. Holly cocks her head as we stare at each other and then she steps forward and flings her arms around me, hugging me so tightly that it feels as if she’s the only thing keeping me together when I suddenly feel myself crumbling and falling apart.
“Oh my God. Are you okay? Let me get you something to wear. What did Wilder do? I know it was his day with you.” The questions tumble from Holly’s mouth as she pulls me into her room and shuts the door, locking it to ensure that none of her brothers come in uninvited.
I’m supposed to be her caregiver, and here I am, allowing Holly to guide me to her bed to sit me down. She heads to her dresser and pulls out a couple articles of clothing and helps me dress without question, not bothered by my nudity.
She pulls me to her again and hugs me, comforting me in a way that feels like a family member would. I’ve gotten many hugs like this from my mom. From my dad. From my cousins. From other members of our pack.
“You don’t have to say anything, but just know that I’m here for you. I know I’m young, but I think we can relate, you know. Your history and mine. The fact that I know Wilder is also an overprotective asshole.” Holly kneads her hands across my back. “Did he say something stupid? He’s so hotheaded, I swear.”
I release a long breath, laughter bubbling from my mouth. It feels like a gasp of relief, and I relax and finally let go of the ache and the panic coursing through me.
“He drives me crazy. He confuses me too, but it was not really his fault. We went to pick up some suppressant pills for you and got in the middle of a street war. Someone I knew from before was killed.” I keep my eyes shut, focusing on my breathing. “But I’m okay. You’re right about your brother being protective. He served justice swiftly and unrelentingly.”
“Oh, no. That sounds fucking awful. I’m so sorry. He should’ve never had you go with him for that sort of thing. I can’t believe the others let him. You could’ve been hurt.” Rage fills Holly’s voice, and she tenses next to me only to get herself in check.
I peek at her, sensing that she might storm out of here to confront Wilder. As much as I appreciate the sentiment, I don’t want her to shout at him for things he already knows. The last thing I need is to put a wedge between them.
Am I protecting Wilder from his sister’s wrath? Once again, he’s going to owe me, and I’ll hold him to it.
I groan and snuggle closer to her, resting my head on the crook of her shoulder. I touch my palm to her cheek and squish our faces together like the million times my mom helped me settle down, especially after my order manifested. She was always good at that sort of thing, and I appreciate the memory now.
“First, I’m supposed to be your caretaker, Holly,” I say, rocking the two of us back and forth. “Second, he already knows he made a mistake. He only intended to help you, and at least it wasn’t for nothing.” Lifting the bag from the bed beside me, I dangle it in front of us. “We got what we needed. Have you heard of suppressant pills?”
