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“I plan on taking down every single motherfucker I can get my hands on when shit hits the fan. I plan on going down shooting. I have three goals when this is all over - get you to safety, make sure Benny, Casey, and the guys from my team are safe, and then shoot until my heart stops beating.”
“No.”
“I don’t recall asking for your permission.”
“No!” Carter says again, much more firmly this time. He steps forward, pushing at Nathan’s chest. He doesn’t know what he hopes to accomplish with the move, but it feels good. He does it again. “No! Do you hear me?No.”
Nathan grasps Carter’s elbows, but he doesn’t try to pull his hands away from where they’re pressed against Nathan’s heaving chest. “Carter-”
“No.” Carter’s voice trembles with the word. He doesn’t realize until he blinks that he’s crying, tears falling down his cheeks. “You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to leave me.”
“Carter, this will all be over. I won’t be leaving you untilafteryou’re safe. There’s no reason for me to be there for you after that. You’ll be with Maison. And with Casey.” He sighs. “You’ll have a whole new life. A new identity. You can be anything. Do anything. I have no place in that.”
“What about all that shit about you taking me away? About the - the beach and the mountains and the fucking daffodils?”
A look of surprise passes over Nathan’s face before it hardens. Carter has known him long enough to realize he’s putting up his walls. Distancing himself. “That was pretend, Carter. Meant to help take your mind off of things. It wasn’t real. I figured you’d know that.”
Carter’s throat goes tight with the urge to cry. “I didn’t know.”
“You said it yourself - there’s nothing between us after this. There is nousin the future.Yousaid that, Carter. You made it really fucking clear, actually.”
“Is that why you don’t want to survive this? Because I said that?”
Nathan’s fingers flex where they’re holding Carter. “I never planned on surviving. Thinking about a future after all this is over was too fucking dangerous. I was always okay with this being my end game.”
“Well,I’mnot okay with it.”
“Carter-”
“No. You owe me this. Do you understand? After everything - after - after raping me, and punishing me. After sharing me. After fucking lying to me. After manipulating my emotions. After all of it - you fucking owe me this. The one thing I want from you. That’s what you keep asking, right? What can you do? What do I need? This is my answer. You. Have. To. Survive.”
“Carter-”
“Promise me.”
“It’s not-”
“Promise me!” Carter growls, staring up at the man through tear-filled eyes. His hands are trembling where they’re braced against Nathan’s chest. He doesn’t know when he started holding onto his shirt, but the fabric is a wrinkled mess clutched in his fists now. He tells himself to let go, but his fingers don’t listen. He can’t let this man go. He can’t lose him. Hecan’t. A sob catches in his chest as he repeats, “Promise me.”
“Okay.” Nathan cups the back of Carter’s neck, tugging him forward until his face is pressed between his hands on Nathan's broad chest. “Okay, Carter. I promise.”
Carter sobs then. He sobs because it’s been a long day - a long fucking… however many days he’s been missing, really. He sobs because Casey is on his way. Because they might never find Elliot. Because Nathan promised to stay alive for him.
And he sobs most of all because he just realized he’s still very much in love with Nathan Roarke.
