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I scoff and go to look away, but he moves his head to keep in my eyesight.
“Delilah, what’s wrong? Come on. Let’s sit and talk.”
In a daze, I sit in the cool water on the bank of the stream. It’s calming. A comfortable silence falls between us as he sits close beside me. “I’m not sure what to say,” I tell him. My brain has gone to mush. I’m somewhere in between cloud nine and earth. Perhaps this is a thunderstorm.
“What are you feeling? I mean, I’m pretty happy with what just happened between us. You were so happy, and then when your smile disappeared. I’ve never been more nervous. Well, except on my wedding day and first Formula One race,” he says.
I grin and bump his shoulder with mine. He lifts his arm and wraps it around my shoulders.
“I don’t regret that it happened. A part of me wonders if it’s real or if I’m dreaming. Like, you’re Sebastian King… you would have no interest in a small-town girl like me. I think I’m so far from the person you would normally go for,” I say, even though it’s only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my issues right now. There are more issues hidden underneath, and they’re always the hardest to work through.
“It’s the small-town girl thing that draws me to you, I think. Or it’s one of them.” He offers me an encouraging grin.
My fingers dance in the stream. I dip them in, lift them, and let the water drip from my fingers. “Thanks for your encouragement. I think my issues run deeper, though. If I’m being honest, I’m not sure I have fully dealt with the loss of Eli. I know you probably think he doesn’t deserve that kind of mourning, and you’re probably right. I can’t help it. He’s only been gone almost six months, and my brain is battling my heart. They’re fighting with each other. One tells me to forget about Eli and move forward with my life, and the other is telling me I’m doing the wrong thing by kissing you, but I know that’s just conditioning. Eli had control over me. Heck, I still have the letter from him he left, but I’ve never been able to open it.”
Sebastian’s arm tightens around me. “It’s okay to feel those things. I felt them and still do with Anna-Beth. It’s almost been a year since her passing, and even as I kissed you, like you, I had a war within me as well. After lots of therapy when I lost her, I can tell you that it’s okay and normal to feel how you do. We loved them. They were our persons for such a long time and hold a piece of our hearts. Even if Eli wasn’t a great guy, you still loved him, just like I loved Anna-Beth. What you’re feeling is normal.”
His words are a comfort and cause tears to well in my eyes. Eli has always been the person of my nightmares. Even when things turned ugly and hurtful, I didn’t stop loving him. He’ll always hold a piece of me, and it’s up to menotto allow him to continue to take my happiness from me. He’s done that for long enough. “You’re right. I never did the therapy thing. I probably should have.”
“I’ll be your grief therapist. I’ve clocked a good number of hours in that department. Our circumstances are different, but it all still applies. Eli doesn’t own you… remember that. I’m not saying forget about him and move on as fast as you can. Healing and accepting are some of the hardest parts of loss, no matter how we lose our loved ones.”
“Gee, you’re really good at this.” I turn my head to meet his dark eyes. They hold so much hope. I wish mine could hold it too, but it’s going to take a bit more time in the healing department before I get there.
He shrugs. “Like I said, I’ve spent a good lot of hours in the chair talking with a therapist. I’d be happy to help you find someone to talk to.”
I shake my head. “No, I don’t want to see a therapist. Simply being back home is helping, being back where I belong, where the horses are my therapy. Working with them, talking with them… they don’t talk back, and that’s just fine with me. I also have Olive. Right now, she’s enough to bring anyone to tears with her sleepless nights,” I joke.
“Delilah, you need to deal with Eli. Read the letter and then burn it if you want. Give yourself some closure. It’s the best thing you could do for yourself.”
“How did you deal with the death of Anna-Beth?” I ask in a small voice.
“Well…” he looks off into the distance before meeting my eyes again, “. . . well, I had plenty of therapy,” he jokes, a playful grin on his face. I simply shake my head. “Seriously, for me personally, it was knowing that she was living on by helping others live their lives.”
My back straightens. His arm falls from my shoulders. “What do you mean?”
“She was an organ donor. So to me, she’s still here with us just helping others live.” The way he speaks about her is beautiful, and I hope I have someone who speaks about me as he does her in my future.
“That’s so wonderful,” I gush, but now my interest is piqued. “Have you ever looked up who received something from her?” The pounding in my chest intensifies.
He shakes his head. “I can find out if I want to but haven’t felt the need to go down that path.”
“Would you want to meet someone? How do you think it would make you feel?” I’m bursting at the seams, wanting to tell him my hypothesis. It’s not a good idea, though. I hardly know the man, and it possibly won’t go down well if I blindside him.
He shrugs and then reaches into the water for a handful of sand, which he lets fall through his fingers. “I don’t know. Wouldn’t it be a little weird? I wouldn’t know how to think or react. They would have a piece of her. She helped many people, and for that, I’m grateful. Maybe when I feel the time is right, I’ll look into it.”
I release my breath slowly. He’ll be long gone before that happens. He won’t be staying here forever, and I’ll be left on my own again. I can’t fall for him. But the kissing is wonderful. I’ve missed that connection. It’s not something I’ll forget any time soon.
Clearing his throat, he says, “Thanks for doing this with me today. Maybe not for the fully-clothed dip, but I’m really enjoying myself. It’s exactly what I needed to escape the stress that’s been clinging to me lately.” He leans over and presses his lips to my cheek, only I wish it was my mouth instead.
Angling my head to face him, I reach up and cup his cheek. “I want you to know I don’t regret the kiss. In fact, I wouldn’t mind if it happened again sometime.”
“THEIR STALL IS READY FORthem with fresh water and some food. What happened to you two?” Harley hollers as Sebastian and I step through the barn door over an hour later, probably looking like drenched rats. Ignoring him, we lead the horses back into their shared stall and unsaddle them. Once I’m finished with Holly, I help Sebastian, his body indecently close to mine. Once Dolly is unsaddled, I hand Sebastian a brush. “Brush her down, and I’ll do Holly.”
Harley barrels up to the gate. “We ended up in the creek,” I finally answer Harley’s question. I side-eye Sebastian, and his focus is fully on me while he’s aimlessly brushing down Dolly.Swoon.There go those heart palpitations he causes.
“More like someone pushed me in,” Sebastian says with a wry grin and accusatory tone.
“No, you started it by throwing me in.” I shove him in the arm.
