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Ten
Holden
I was on the front porch, my hands braced on the railing, my boots braced on the wood flooring. My jaw was clenched so hard I wasn’t sure I could pry my lips open. My heart thudded, recovering from the beats it had skipped when Landon asked his question.
Emery slowly approached. “Are you all right?”
I gave a curt nod, forcing my jaw to loosen. “I haven’t been asked that before.” I let out a soft, humorless laugh. “I had no idea what to say. Isn’t that something?”
She stopped next to me and leaned her butt on the railing, facing the house, as if she knew it would make it easier to talk. I could continue to stare at the ground while she studied my siding.
“No one knows,” I finally said. “Isn’t that fucked up? I haven’t told anyone. I didn’t tell anyone about, fuck, any of it.”
She laid a hand on my arm. Could she feel the tremors racking my body? So many years, and sometimes the memories still clotheslined me. “It’s not as uncommon as you’d think.”
“I had a kid and kept her a secret.” I dragged in a breath and let it out slowly. “We knew from the beginning we were going to lose her.”
Her fingers tightened around my forearm. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“Teagan and I were getting serious, and then right after college graduation we learned she was pregnant. Mom didn’t like Teagan, mostly because Teagan had no plans to settle in Coal Haven and Mom wanted me to run the farm and ranch. So, Teagan didn’t come home with me often and not many people knew about her. It wasn’t like Mom to tell anyone about our business anyway.”
I fell quiet for a moment, then turned around and planted my ass against the railing like I needed to be propped up. The truth was out, and it was something I never talked about, but suddenly, I couldn’t stop.
“When we first found out she was expecting, Teagan wanted to wait to tell people about the baby. She said, three months and then we’ll share the news. But by three months, there were concerns, and then we learned…well…we learned that we were just waiting to say goodbye.”
“Oh, Holden.”
I dropped my head back. “So many ultrasounds. So many tests. Still, we prayed for a miracle. She told her family, but I didn’t tell mine. My dad’s an asshole that never wanted anything to do with me, and Mom’s…cold. Nora was in middle school and I wasn’t going to put her through the worry.” My throat grew thick, but I’d come this far. The details were painful, but they weren’t as debilitating as they used to be. “Our daughter was stillborn at eight months. Faye, named after Teagan’s grandma.”
“That’s a beautiful name.” Tears shone in her eyes. “Only Stetson knows?”
“Yeah.” I tipped my head forward. Krystal had said I hated kids, but the opposite was true. I thought they hung the moon and stars, but I also knew what it was like to be crushed by grief when something happened to them. “She was the last baby I ever held. The last baby I ever dared to hold. I just never got over it. Months of fear. Afraid to hope. I didn’t know how I was ever going to face that again. But Teagan? She’s married, with two kids now.” I didn’t mean to sound bitter. I was happy for her. Both of us didn’t need to be miserable, but…I didn’t know how not to be.
She rubbed my back. “She had a support system, and you didn’t.”
“I guess.” Those two words said a lot, like asking how Teagan could move on when I hadn’t. Two words that said I thought life wasn’t fair. And they said I hurt and was tired of holding it in.
“Holden, you did nothing wrong. They don’t give us textbooks about how patients are supposed to appropriately grieve. Some people are fortified and plow through life like a boss. Some people bury it so deep that it festers until they explode. Some people are devastated and struggle to find their way out of the pain. Others coast until their need for something different outweighs the hurt of moving on. There’s no time line, and there aren’t any rules.”
The pain in my chest dulled, if only a little. “Given that talk a few times?”
“Usually, it’s a more abbreviated version.” She continued to stroke my back. “Does it help to know you aren’t alone? The perk of being both a nurse and a mom is that members of each group speak frankly and share freely. What you went through with your daughter and the dissolution of your relationship afterward isn’t limited to you.”
I was quiet for a moment. “It does help. That feels a little fucked up.”
“That’s common too.”
The corner of my mouth tipped up, but the ghost of a smile faded. “That’s the first time I told that story. After Teagan moved out of our apartment, I came home and went to work the next day. I doubt that’s recommended.”
“Maybe not, but it’s done.”
Her words continued to ease my tension. Was this what it would be like if I’d had someone to talk to? Teagan had visited a counselor, and she’d spent a lot of time with her parents. It had seemed like she talked to everyone but me. Perhaps it had been me not talking to her. “You’re something, you know that?”
“I’m pretty average.”
I turned to her. “You’re so far above average, Em.” I brushed the backs of my fingers down her cheek, seeking as much comfort as possible.
“Mom!” Avery called before she rounded the side of the house.
