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“No, it’s fine.”
I beelined for the door and stepped into my snow boots. Mom said her goodbyes, blocking me from the openness of Holden’s house, as if she was giving me as much privacy as she could.
I shrugged on my coat. Holden had kept his boots on and he followed me out, giving my mom his elbow again.
God, that guy was considerate. No wonder Henry was intimidated.
I got in my car as Holden helped Mom into the passenger side. When she was in her seat, he leaned down. “Want me to call before I come over?”
“No. Just come over whenever. Don’t rush your time here, though.” It wouldn’t matter what time he came over. I wasn’t going anywhere. I was going to throw myself an enviable pity party, get a little lost in the past to fuel the woe-is-me feeling, and prep myself for the fight that was coming.
I didn’t want to cast any more negativity on a day that was usually a good one for Holden.
With a nod, he shut the door and went back to the house. I didn’t take my gaze off him as I started the car. He disappeared inside.
Our breath puffed around us. Mom rubbed her gloves together. “I thought the sun was going to come out today.”
The overcast weather fit my mood. I put my hands on the steering wheel, and the hard plastic leeched the heat from my hands. I reached into my pockets for my gloves, but they weren’t there.
Should I go without? Cold fingers would take my mind off Henry. But I didn’t need Holden worrying about crap I’d forgotten when he came over later.
“I have to run inside. I forgot something.”
I rushed across the yard with my hands tucked into my jacket. I didn’t want to knock and have everyone’s attention on me. My gloves were probably on the bench right by the door. I quietly opened it, planning to shoot anyone who saw me a quick smile as I ducked in and got out in seconds.
The warmth of Holden’s house surrounded me. Everyone was focused on the dining room. I couldn’t find Holden right away, but I found my black gloves were right where I had set them under my jacket.
I glanced up to see if I could catch Holden’s eye and wave my gloves so he knew what I was doing, but Kira’s voice stopped me in my tracks. “It’s for the best, Holden. It’s not like she’s gonna give you kids or anything, and I’m not letting the ranch go to some other man’s kids.”
“What the hell, Mom?”
Nora’s gasp made heads swivel to follow her gaze right to me.
Holden’s eyes grew wide, and his mouth tightened so hard color bled from his lips.
“I forgot my gloves,” I said weakly and slunk out the door.
“Emery, wait.”
I didn’t. I scurried to the car, stuffing my hands into my gloves. A few snowflakes landed on my cheeks. The weather was going to release its load, and the day would continue to shit on me.
It’s not like she’s gonna give you kids or anything.
It wasn’t like I hadn’t thought of the subject if Holden and I stayed together. But he had his past experiences and I had mine, and it wasn’t worth converging until we had to. We had enough to consider in the present.
“Em!” Holden’s rapid footsteps behind me made me turn around only out of fear he was going to slip and fall. But he jogged to me with the same confidence his mom had used earlier.
“I didn’t mean to listen in on a private conversation.” I sounded calm and collected. I should have won an award. Kira had deftly jabbed at what could be a major issue between me and Holden. As if anxiety wasn’t squeezing my heart already, her words had cracked it. Because it wasn’t something Holden and I could ignore forever.
Bewilderment entered his expression. “Mom’s not worried about privacy. You don’t need to be. I’m sorry for what she said.”
“She’s not wrong.”
His expression went blank. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that I’m solidly in my thirties with four kids. Trying for a fifth…” My heart rate sped up thinking about it. I put my hand on my chest as if willing the organ to stay in my rib cage, but I couldn’t stop shaking my head. Sleepless nights. Colic. Being at the beck and call twenty-four seven while having other children and a spouse to take care of.
Yeah. Having another kid was a thing for me. It wasn’t a decision I could make lightly.
His brows drew together, and I drifted closer to him even though we were the only two outside. “And that’s me. What about you? Have you thought about what going through the pregnancy would be like for you? Are you ready to think of another baby? There’s an entire family business tied to one little baby.”
I didn’t have to say the rest. His mom had gotten the ranch from her parents. He would get it from his mom. Then what? I had learned enough about Kira and Nora’s relationship to know there wasn’t much more of a chance that it would get passed on to her than tosome other man’s kids.
“I don’t even know if I’m going to be in Coal Haven much longer. I just…” I let out a hard breath and the cloud drifted away like I wished my worries would. He was tied to this town. His roots ran deep. My roots went wherever my kids would be. “I just have to deal with me right now.”
“Can I still come over later?”
I couldn’t bring myself to say no. I didn’t want to let him go, but that sounded like what I was doing. He was a good thing. Such a good thing. But there was a mountain growing between us, and as important as he’d become to me, I had four others I had to take care of first. I shouldn’t be in a place where I had to choose, but I didn’t have the money to give me options.
