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His lips tightened and he looked away. “Work.”
“Robert, what are you talking about? They are meant to payyou, not the other way around.”
“I was expected to take Mr. Selkirk to dinners. The theater. Gifts of bourbon, or cigars.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I tried when I came to see you at the estate. But I was so angry, and—well, I know I comported myself badly. I am so sorry, Mum. I know better than to behave like that.” He pushed his teacup round his saucer, and she was reminded of him doing the same thing when he had been a boy, ashamed of being caught in a scrape.
“He took advantage of your inexperience and your lack of options.” Letty shook her head. “Robert, you should have said something to the other solicitors you work for. He is a despicable man.”
“I wanted to do whatever I could to make my own way,” he said, but he sounded more tired than angry. “But after all that, Mr. Selkirk changed his mind. When he told me that he couldn’t mentor me, I was wild with rage. I had done only five months under his tutelage, and I need five years to be a solicitor in full! Now I must start all over from scratch with another man.”
Youth. So impatient. What was five months of a lifetime when one became old enough to stare back at the decades? Then she thought of the six months that she had spent at Hawthorne House, and how it had changed her forever. She remembered the nine months that she had spent nurturing life in her womb.
“Was that when you wrote to Lady Wilson?”
“I thought she could talk to him, but all she wanted was to meet the Duchess of Hawthorne.” He let out a hollow laugh. “More fool me. I thought he might respect a title if he didn’t respect me, and then he might let me stay.”
“The Wilsons aren’t like that,” she said. Her stomach felt sour and she took a gulp of tea as if she could wash away the memories. “They aren’t kind, and they do nothing from the goodness of their hearts.”
“I didn’t know. I don’t know them at all.”
Letty didn’t like remembering those times, but it hadn’t been fair to keep them to herself. Shielding a child was one thing, but Robert had been old enough for years now. “When they cut off thestipend, Lady Wilson made sure to tell me in person. She was here in London to wrap up some business affairs with the estate, and she was proud to tell me that their good name no longer had to be associated in any way with the muck of ours. She laughed in my face, and that was the last I saw of her until today.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“You have so little family of your own,” she said softly. “I hadn’t wanted to disillusion you. We have built a family here in London of friends and neighbors, but the Wilsons are all that you have of your father. I didn’t want to tarnish the memory.”
“You never thought much of heritage before.”
“No.” Her own family had treated her so poorly when she needed help the most that she didn’t put stock in where people came from. She cared more about what people did with their lives than the circumstances of their birth. Then she thought of Anne and Hawthorne, determined to use their name and connections to help those who might flock to the security of a noble name. She thought of Phin, hiring the worst chambermaids in London because he had the coin to spare if they bent their minds to theft. Heritage and tradition just might be what one made of it. “But I understand it a little better now. I thought you would be too proud of the connection, so I tried not to speak of it for fear that you would think working was beneath you. We didn’t have the resources for you not to work.”
“And yet then I built castles in the air, from hopes and dreams.” Robert sank back in the chair.
“Now you can build something better. Stronger. With a good foundation, and a roof that can last a lifetime.” Letty smiled at him. “That’s the wonder of endings. You get to create beginnings all over again.”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
“You’ll find something.” She paused. “And if you can’t on your own, then I’m always going to be here to help you to find out what comes next. I should have trusted in you and told you about your family, to allow you to draw your own conclusions. You are an adult now, and while you will always be my son, things need to be more equal in our relationship. I made a lot of money from the Hawthornejob, you know, and I had always intended for the bulk of it to go to you to start your adult life. If you don’t consider it to be tainted money, that is.”
“That’s beyond generous, after the muck I’ve made of everything. I’m so sorry for all the awful things I’ve said, Mum. I was angry, and I was proud, and most of all—I was a fool. It was unforgivable. I shall regret it all my life that I spoke to you that way.”
“I forgive you,” she said quietly. “You have made mistakes that hurt me, Robert. But I will never turn my back on you. You are my son, and as long as we can always talk about the problems we face, we can face them together. We are stronger together. I love you.”
Family didn’t always mean acceptance, and it didn’t guarantee forgiveness. Letty had not heard one word from her parents after they learned that she was pregnant. Robert’s father’s family had cast him aside since his birth. But she had enough broken bonds in her past to know that she wanted to do all she could to shore up the ones she had.
Robert’s smile was like the shawl, the flannel, and the tea. Familiar, comfortable. This wasfamily. Her heart soared.
* * *
Waking up each morning without the anticipation of Letty coming to work at the estate was a disappointment that Anne didn’t like to face. She allowed herself to be bathed and dressed by her maid, finding the morning ritual nigh unbearable today. She remembered the thrill of self-discovery when she had first seen these rooms, finding pieces of herself reflected at her in every careful detail.
Although there was anAon every bar of soap and every pillow and every handkerchief, it might as well have been anL, because she thought of Letty everywhere she looked.
It had been Letty who chose these towels that the servants rubbed all over her body, and Letty who selected the mirror that she stared into while her maid arranged her hair. Letty had mused over every color, texture, and fabric.
Letty had mused over her, too, and had clearly found her wanting.
