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The words froze him in his tracks. They were an echo of his own feelings, only so very different.
‘It makes you human. Gabby, you were a child. Your mother—the one person in the world who should have put you first, cared for you—didn’t or couldn’t give you the fundamental safety you deserved. It was a completely natural reaction. There is no fault.’
‘That is logic speaking—but it doesn’t change the burn of guilt inside me. For better or worse she was my mother, but her death benefited me. Gave me security, love and a home. So I understand how you feel about Claudia and it’s a sucky feeling. But I’m sure that Claudia wouldn’t begrudge you your success or blame you for it. She loved you and you loved her. Nothing is more important than that. I’m not sure my mother and I even had that.’
Only Gabby still didn’t know the full truth. Once he and Claudia had loved each other, but his love had faded, withered, had not been strong enough to withstand their different approaches to life. But that was his cross to bear, and more important right now was Gabby—Gabby, who must have had such complex feelings for her mother.
He knew empty platitudes would be rightly rejected as inadequate, and he thought carefully before he spoke. ‘I can’t pretend to know how your mother felt, but addiction is a very terrible thing. It changes people—changes their priorities, their very nature. It can make them choose actions they know to be wrong.’
She nodded. ‘I know. I’ve done a lot of research into it. But I do wish I’d been worth enough to her for her to try to turn it all around. Wish I’d been good enough’
‘No one could have been good enough—it wasn’t a flaw in you, it was a fault in her.’
‘It didn’t feel like that.’
He wondered if it still didn’t.
‘And still I wish that my first reaction to her death had been different.’
‘I think that your mother would have understood, and she’d be happy that you ended up with love and security. I don’t think she would begrudge you that, either.’
‘Thank you. I mean that.’ She shook her head. ‘I can’t believe I’m even talking about her. I never do, really. It upsets Gran and it makes me feel guilty.’
‘You told me to make me feel better, and I appreciate that. Thank you.’
For a long moment they sat, and slowly the atmosphere began to morph and shimmer. His whole being was acutely aware of her closeness, her warmth and beauty.
She caught her breath. ‘That’s what friends are for.’
‘Yes.’ He turned to look at her, her chestnut hair sheened by moonlight, her features dappled by the beams casting them into shade and brightness. ‘Problem is, right now I don’t feel like just a friend.’
Her hazel eyes were luminous in the moonbeams as she twisted a strand of hair around her finger. ‘So...like a friend...with benefits?’
Her voice was small, but clear, her gaze unwavering, and now the awareness that had simmered, muted by the sheer emotional warmth of their conversation, shifted, almost as if the moon’s haze had cast a sparkling net of magical awareness around them.
‘What sort of benefits did you have in mind?’
Now she smiled—a slow, almost languorous smile. ‘I’m thinking of the exact type of benefits you have in mind.’
All he wanted to do was kiss her, but some innate sense of honour pulled him back, kept him still.
‘Unless I’ve got this all wrong?’ Hurt, fear of rejection, crossed her eyes.
She made to move backwards and instantly he reached out, covering her hand in his.
‘No! You haven’t got it wrong. Jeez. I want this. I want you more than I can say. But I need to be sure you want it, too. You said that fun flings aren’t your thing, that you don’t want to feel second-best. I don’t want you to feel like that.’
‘I don’t. This isn’t about being second-best—this is about what we both want in the here and now.’ Her hand picked up some sand, trickled it through her fingers. ‘For once I don’t want to be cautious—the one who clings to the shore, who won’t take a risk, won’t have fun. For once I want to let go. Just for a weekend. I want to break free from common sense and reason and all the shibboleths and worries that govern my life. One weekend. That doesn’t complicate anything.’
His brain made a last-ditch attempt to tell him that it wasn’t that easy—that this would complicate everything—but he shut it down. One weekend—what could be wrong with that?
‘Are you sure?’ His breath caught in his lungs as he waited for her answer. ‘Sure this is what you want?
CHAPTER TEN
GABBY STARED INTO his eyes, then glanced around the beach, wanting to imprint it for ever on her memory. Then she looked back at Zander. Took in every detail. The darkness of his blue-grey eyes, the contained, controlled aura of desire that she knew was for her, and revelled in that knowledge.
‘I’m sure. One hundred per cent.’ She could see doubt fighting desire in his stance.
