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It wasn’t just that emotions were foreign to him, it was that he had no way to balance the one thing he’d always wanted—Montrose acceptance—with the one thing he just realized he couldn’t survive without. Her love.
Love was ephemeral and always just out of his grasp. She might be looking at him right now with love in her eyes, but how long could that last? Would she still feel that way when her sisters were out of a job and her family’s legacy was in ruins around her?
He doubted it. How could he be enough to keep her happy? How could he be the one thing that gave her hope when he knew he wasn’t lovable and had never been enough for anyone else?
* * *
Cari woke up early as she usually did and rolled over to look at Dec as he lay sleeping next to her. He’d woken her once in the night to make love and she’d enjoyed it and having him here. She didn’t get a chance to tell him how she felt about him because she could tell that he was struggling.
If she had to guess, she’d say he wasn’t sure how to handle his own feelings. From everything she knew of his childhood, she knew that he hadn’t grown up in a loving home, and part of her wanted to just make up for every second of that. But she knew she couldn’t.
She leaned over and touched the stubble on his cheek with one finger. He didn’t look so tough and ready to take on the world sleeping like this. It reminded her of how tender his face had looked after he’d made love to her outside.
It was hard for her to reconcile, but there was vulnerability in Dec that she hadn’t realized was there. She rolled over before she did something silly, like drawing hearts on his chest with her finger and then waking him up to make love again.
She wanted to see what he was like this morning; if the gamble she was taking with her heart was going to pay off or if she was going to end up broken and alone again.
She shook her head as she got out of bed, grabbed her robe and left the room. There was a big board meeting this morning at the Playtone Games office building, where Dec would be giving his results to her and her sisters as well as the executive committee from Playtone. She and her sisters had a mock-up demo of their IOS Christmas game ready to show them and were hoping to use that as leverage to keep the Infinity brand alive.
She checked on DJ, who was awake and playing with his stuffed animal in his crib. “Morning, little man.”
“Mama,” he said. She got him out of the crib, changed his diaper and dressed him for the day before going into the kitchen to feed him. She heard the shower come on in her bathroom and knew that Dec was up.
She told herself it was silly to be nervous, yet the longer she sat there waiting for him the more that feeling grew. She finished with DJ and took the baby and her mug of coffee down the hall to the master bedroom. DJ squirmed to get down and she set him on the floor to go into her closet and get her clothes for the day. She heard the door open to the bathroom.
“Dada,” DJ said.
Cari came out of the closet and looked over at Dec. In this moment, they felt like a real family. Except as he looked at her, she realized he didn’t look restless at all. And she felt the tinge of doubt in her heart. She loved him; surely he felt the same way about her.
Why would he have stayed last night if he didn’t?
She had no answers, and for the first time she recognized that love made her vulnerable. She needed something from Dec that he might not be able to give her. And it wasn’t fair of her to ask for it. Love wasn’t the sunshiny emotion she’d hoped it would be. And given the way that her relationship with Dec had developed, why was that a surprise?
“Morning,” he said, his voice gruff with sleep. “I used your razor to shave. I hope that’s okay.”
“Yes, of course it is. Um…are you coming to my office this morning or just going straight to Playtone?”
“I have to go home and change first,” he said. “But then I’ll just go to Playtone. Cari, today is going to be a long day.”
She saw the weight of the coming day on his shoulders. She took a deep breath. “I know it’s going to be hard on everyone. But I’ve been working on those financial targets that Allan set. I think you might be surprised by some of the things I have to show you today.”
He gave her a vague half smile. “That will be good. Do you need anything from me for your presentation?”
“No,” she said. “Why would I?”
He shook his head. “Kell is going to be a tough customer, honey. Whatever presentation you make, it had better be solid and have documentation to back it up.”
“It will,” she said. “Do you think it’s going to be bad news?”
