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He shrugged again and she noticed the way his massive shoulders moved. He was still in top form, with muscles bulging under that black T-shirt of his. “Sort of. We work in pairs but because of burnout and other issues we don’t always develop deep bonds. I’d work alone if I could.”
“Why?” she asked, putting her silverware down to concentrate on what he was saying. To be honest, his answer didn’t surprise her. There had always been something solitary about him, even in Vegas when he’d been on leave.
“That way I don’t have to depend on anyone but myself.”
She tipped her head to the side to consider him. “Was that why you left me?”
“I have no idea. I’ve never been a coward, but walking away from you was the only thing I could do.”
“Why? Because you didn’t want to have to depend on me?” she asked.
“No,” he said, putting his sunglasses back down over his eyes. “I didn’t want you to depend on me and then let you down.”
* * *
JAY DIDN’T LIKE admitting his weaknesses out loud but he knew that lying to Alysse wasn’t going to win him any favors. He’d planned what he’d say and how he’d say it, but he hadn’t been able to plan for her reactions.
She was hard to get a bead on tonight as she was both angry and sad and at times almost relaxed. And seeing her behavior tonight made him wonder if he should have just stayed gone. Selfishly, for his own peace of mind, he’d had to see her again.
He’d had to try to make things right. He wasn’t a complex man and Lord knew he didn’t have any real idea of how a relationship should work, but having seen his buddies and their wives, Jay knew that it was possible for a guy to be a soldier and have a life outside the Corps.
“So you decided just to let me down and get it over with.”
In this respect she was right, although there had been so much more to the decision. Now he was paying for it. He wondered sometimes if he’d be just better off staying to himself. His dad had always said he was a lone wolf who wasn’t fit for socializing and at times like this Jay believed that. “I think we’ve both gone around this long enough. Tell me more about the woman you are today.”
She took a swallow of her wine and then gave him a half smile. He couldn’t stop staring at her mouth. She’d had some kind of lipstick on earlier, but during the meal it had worn off. And left just the natural color of her lips, which brought an image to his mind of her tight nipples.
Damn. He wanted her.
“I work, I meet friends at the beach, I go to my parents’ house for dinner. I have a normal life.”
“Are you happy?” he asked.
“Most of the time. What are you trying to ask me?”
“Am I screwing your life up again by coming back?” he asked, being as blunt as he could. “I didn’t think that you would be so—”
She laughed quietly, and this time not with the strained quality she’d had before. “So...what?”
“So real,” he said at last.
“How did you expect me to be?” she asked. Then she leaned her elbows on the table and looked him straight in the eye. “Vegas wasn’t real for either of us.”
“I know that now, but I didn’t at the time,” he admitted. He’d been seduced by the lights of Vegas and that attitude the city had of everything seeming possible. He’d felt the pull of Alysse so strongly he hadn’t thought beyond his time there and having her in his arms. And that had been a mistake because he’d ignored the fact that he wasn’t the kind of guy that women liked having around. His own mother had proven that point a long time ago.
Alysse put both hands on the table and continued looking at him. He knew she couldn’t see his eyes but he wondered what she was searching for in his face. He knew he was very good at not giving up anything, but he still wished that maybe she’d find whatever it was she needed to see.
“Why? Even I knew it was just a fantasy,” she said.
“I didn’t. If I don’t have a weapon in my hand and a target in my sights I don’t know what’s real,” he explained.
She sat back in her chair and he knew he hadn’t given her the answer she’d been wanting. Still, he didn’t have any explanation other than the truth. “Why did you take a chance on me if you knew that Vegas was all lights and make-believe?”
She tucked a strand of her long pretty hair behind her ear and nibbled on her lower lip. “I thought...I thought that after the glitter of Vegas faded away we’d still have the connection. I thought we’d formed a bond so quickly because it was real.”
