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He paddled toward the wave and his instincts and athletic ability kicked in.
The wave swelled behind him and he felt the board moving the way it was supposed to; he stood up and rode it. The sun was setting behind him and the beach seemed far away and there was no real noise around him except the sound of the water. This all felt so unreal. Not even a week ago he’d been up to his ass in desert sand without a drop of water in sight and now he was immersed in it. Alysse had been a memory; now he was with her, next to her, and who knows...
He tumbled off his board and was pulled into the water. The wave crashed over him and dragged his board; he felt the tug on his ankle strap. He held his breath and then swam to the surface watching out for his board so he didn’t get conked on the head with it. He made his way to the beach and took off his ankle strap before picking up the board.
“You okay?” Toby asked from a distance.
Jay nodded and put the loaned board off to the side. There were other people there at the bonfire and they looked up at him with tentative smiles, but the conversation had ground to an abrupt halt as he’d approached.
Immediately, he turned away from the group and began walking down the beach. He didn’t belong in Alysse’s life, did he need more evidence than what he’d just seen? This was a big part of her world and he was never going to fit in here.
He didn’t understand its currents and patterns the way he did the corps. It didn’t matter that he’d spent all his adult life in the Corps, he should be able to adapt to almost anything. What was the matter with him? Did he really not want to be with Alysse?
That was the answer he’d been searching for, and it’d been right here in front of him the entire time. He didn’t fit in Alysse’s life because he couldn’t adapt the way she did. He’d seen her go from the bakery, where she was very at home, to the beach, and she probably had a dozen other roles she filled with ease.
He only had one. Marine. Did he want to leave the Corps behind and take a chance with Lucien and Company B? Or was he simply going to continue his same path? Honestly, he just wanted to stay where he was, but he knew that wasn’t the way to a successful life, not anymore. Not for him, anyway.
“Jay?”
He turned and saw Alysse jogging toward him. She still wore her wet suit, which lovingly hugged every inch of her body. Her ginger hair appeared darker, almost brown, as it hung in long, wet tendrils around her face and his heart soared. He didn’t want to leave her and yet he had no idea if he could stay.
There was no way he could ask her to be a part of his life while it was a mess. And tonight had proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that his life was really still FUBAR.
* * *
ALYSSE HAD THOUGHT TWICE about catching Jay, but in the end he’d looked so forlorn that she had no choice. He carried himself with pride. The man was an island and she felt acutely that he didn’t want or need her or anyone else. But she couldn’t just leave him to it.
Admittedly, she hated that she cared about Jay, because she shouldn’t. He’d hurt her and she knew better than to trust him. But there was a part of her that understood the struggle he was going through.
“You okay?”
He clenched his jaw and she saw a glimpse of a man she’d never seen before in his eyes. He was a hard man and she had no doubt that he could survive in any dangerous situation he was dropped in, but seeing him now, like this, made her pause. He didn’t know how to get along here.
She reached for his arm. He flinched away. She pulled her hand back and wrapped her arms around her waist, comforting herself. No matter what she projected on Jay, he was still a man whom she barely knew outside the bedroom. And though he’d never hurt her physically, he seemed to have an uncanny ability to find the right gesture to cut right through her.
“Of course I’m okay,” he said, his tone terse.
“Whatever. So you’re fine. If you don’t want to talk to me I’m happy enough to just walk back. Is that what you want?” she asked. She was setting herself up here. It was a big gamble, giving him an ultimatum. But she had to try something. She hadn’t even had a chance to introduce him to the others.
He didn’t react and she started to return to her friends.
“No, wait. I don’t want that.”
She stopped and faced him. “What do you want?”
She wasn’t sure what she’d expected tonight. Only knew that she needed to keep from being alone with Jay. But seeing him like this—uncomfortable and not himself—wasn’t what she’d had in mind.
