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“I guess you are right. You know, I’m going to miss you when you’re in L.A.”
Staci hugged her. “I know. But don’t sweat it. I’ll be coming back to visit. And if I get kicked off the show early, I’ll be back for good.”
“I thought you wanted to try something new?” Alysse asked her. She was afraid that she was projecting her vulnerability at the thought of losing her best friend and Jay within a few weeks of each other. And it was beginning to seem more and more that no matter what career path Jay took he’d more than likely not be with her. Different people, different paths.
“I do, but that’s not fair to you. You have to find a new baker and new staff for the front of the shop,” Staci said.
A lot was changing all at once and Alysse had been sort of ignoring it to deal with Jay. But she knew that she couldn’t let the rest of life fall away because of him.
“I can handle it. It’s not that big a deal. And I don’t want you giving up just because you’re worried about me. I’m way stronger than I look,” she said.
That was when she realized that she was putting Jay through a test to see if he’d sacrifice what he wanted for her. Why was she doing that? It was as if she was afraid to trust him.
Hell, she was afraid of that very thing and had been since she’d stepped onto the beach at the Hotel Del Coronado and found Jay waiting, instead of some stranger. And she knew that no matter what she did or said, she was never going to be able to treat him like some guy she’d just met.
They would always have their past and she wasn’t able to let that go. She was trying to make him be a part of a life that she wasn’t too sure he’d ever be able to accept. Why?
Because it would be safer for her. If Jay wanted the same things she did, then he wouldn’t leave her and she’d be able to let her guard down around him. Instead, since she was treating him with kid gloves, he was edgy and so was she.
“You should go for it, Staci. Don’t feel like you have to come back to Sweet Dreams. If you want to though, your station in the kitchen will be waiting for you,” she assured herself and her friend.
“Thanks,” Staci said. “It’ll help me out, knowing you’ve got my back. I think that we can invite friends to attend some of the cook-offs. Would you come?”
“Hell to the yeah,” Alysse said, being silly because now that she’d figured out what she was doing to herself and Jay, everything seemed a little brighter.
“I’ll be right back,” Alysse said.
She left the table area and headed over to Jay. It was one thing to realize they’d been playing house but another thing entirely when she admitted that she’d set it up to test him. Did she honestly think that if they lived together and had these pretend lives together, he wouldn’t leave?
She knew that she had been playing games with herself and trying to entice him to stay by showing him her family and friends. Today she had got it—if she wasn’t enough for him then all the cool people she surrounded herself with wouldn’t make her satisfy him either.
Jay was searching for something and she couldn’t give it to him. If he could fulfill that part of himself that had been missing with her, then maybe they had a chance. And if he couldn’t, it was time for her to cut her losses and move on.
Alysse couldn’t find Jay at first and then noticed her mom was missing, too. She scanned the beach and found her lover standing in the shade with a brick retaining wall at his back. She smiled at that, but the smile soon left her face as she spotted her mom standing next to Jay and talking very animatedly to him.
Jay was nodding and had his arms crossed over his chest. He was being respectful or at least it seemed that way to her from where she was. And she felt a moment’s panic. What if this scared him into leaving her again?
She took a deep breath and then let it out.
There it was, she thought. The fear that dominated every second of her thoughts and lurked in the back of her mind. She hated that she was filled with fear, but even acknowledging it wouldn’t make it go away.
The only thing that would was some reassurance from Jay and she knew that was asking the impossible. She walked briskly over to her mom and Jay and they stopped talking when they saw her.
“Am I interrupting?” Alysse asked.
“No,” her mom said. “I was just telling Jay that I haven’t seen you this happy in a long time.”
Really? Then she looked at Jay and he was grinning. He’d enjoyed chatting with her mom about her. She didn’t know how he’d done it but they both seemed to be getting along. “Well, I am happy right now.”
