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“Anyway, I realized Don must be lying low, making sure there was no blowback after we ran, and it would only be a matter of time. I had to be patient and keep my ear to the ground. In the meantime, I needed money and an excuse to stay in Don’s social circle, to watch the men he’d make contact with whenever he came back. Catering seemed like a good solution—always at fancy private parties. I found the most high-end one and begged them to hire me.
“It took so long for something to happen. I can’t tell you how excruciatingly lonely I was every day, nothing to fill my time but fantasies about the future. I’d rented a little apartment, and I used to walk around daydreaming. Sometimes hours would go by and I’d find myself standing stock-still, staring into space. That’s how hard I was trying to live with Don in my head.
“Then one day the catering firm got a job at the Hudson Mansion. I’d been interested in it because it was the exact kind of place Don would go, but they didn’t like people sniffing around. I finally had an excuse to be there, and sure enough, not even an hour goes by, and who do I see standing across the room, drinking champagne? Mr. X.
“I can tell by your face that you remember him. I was so afraid he’d leave the party before I was done with work that I quit on the spot and cornered him on his way to the bathroom. He didn’t recognize me. Can you believe that? I had to show him a picture I kept in my wallet, one with you, me, Clem, and Rachel. He rememberedyouimmediately. He turned white as a sheet, told me to get the fuck away, that his family was there, that it was just a onetime thing, a mistake.
“I begged him to bring me to Don, but he swore he hadn’t seen Don in over a year. I thought my heart would break. But then he said there was a new place for people who liked the sort of things we did. He wrote the name on the back of my picture. Tongue-Cut Sparrow. Said it was right under our feet in the Mansion itself.
“The first night I went to the Sparrow, I knew I’d find Don there eventually. It was his kind of place. I could almost feel him there. I just needed to keep putting myself out there, offering what he’d be looking for. So I started selling myself. It was good money, far better than I’d gotten catering, and it almost scratched the itch, that feeling I used to get with Don.
“I started bringing in so much cash I realized I would raise suspicions. So I created a company called Dominus Holdings, a little inside joke. Don’t look so surprised. I have a degree from Whitney. You don’t think I could?
“It continued that way for a while, me going to the Sparrow night after night, waiting for some glimpse of him. It was my trial. I’d betrayed him, and I was being punished for it. Then one night I turned the corner and there was Rachel, dolled up slicker than I’d ever seen her. We were both shocked, but she was quicker than me. She said, ‘If you scream, I’ll kill you.’
“It took me a second to realize she thought I hated them. I said, ‘No, you’ve got it wrong. I’ve been looking for you.’
“She didn’t trust me. She said, ‘Why? You ran.’
“I was worried I wouldn’t be able to explain, because Rachel wasn’t good with emotions. I said, ‘I never wanted to leave or get you in trouble. I tried coming back, but you and Don were already gone. I’ve been looking for you ever since.’ I waved my arms at the Sparrow and said, ‘That’s why I’m here. It’s all I’ve lived for.’
“Her face was blank, and I was terrified she’d leave, tell Don, and they’d pack up again. So I dropped to my knees in the middle of the Sparrow and begged her. I said, ‘Please, take me to Don. I’m nothing without him. I’ll do anything.’
“You and I both know Rachel never actually liked us. She must’ve been glad to see me so low. Because she smiled and said, ‘I was supposed to bring back a girl anyway.’
“We drove far north to this squalid little house in a run-down town, somewhere I wouldn’t have guessed in a million years. It was so unlike Don. It was heartbreaking to see him brought so low. I found out later he was still worried about what you and I had told people and was trying to stay invisible.
“But some things hadn’t changed. He was waiting for us in the living room, sitting and reading a book, a glass of wine in his hand. When he saw me, he jumped to his feet. The look on his face… I can’t describe it, Shay. It was worth everything. He didn’t doubt me for a second. He rushed to me, swept me into his arms. It was the best moment of my life. So romantic. A homecoming.
“So I left my small life behind, used Dominus to keep covering my expenses so no one would come looking for me, and we were a family again. The way it was before, except better, because—sorry—you and Clem were gone. I had him all to myself. He finally let me in all the way, told me his dreams, what he was planning. And over the years, we’ve built it together. We created the Pater Society, a place where he could teach people and change lives, the way he did for me. You won’t believe how it’s taken off, what we’re about to do. He’s been successful beyond our wildest dreams. And I’ve shone, too. I love it here. Sewing dresses for the girls and tending Don’s house. I’m his wife, in every way that matters.
“Stop looking at me like that. Don’t you understand? Don and I are in love. We always have been. You just never wanted to see it.”
Chapter Thirty-Six
All of it, from the beginning. I thought it had been donetoLaurel. But the truth was, she’d been a willing player. She’d pulled the strings with Dominus, conned the caterer, helped found the Paters. As she spoke, it all came together, the little hints of Laurel I should’ve recognized: the costumes, the masks, the games and performances, the laurel crowns—her love of theater, everywhere. The Pater Society was Don’s philosophy, brought to life by Laurel’s passion, her careful work behind the scenes. I’d assumed she hated him, was just as scared of him as I was. But those weeping fits, the catatonic depression her landlord remembered… That wasn’t poor, traumatized Laurel. It was Laurel grieving the possibility of never getting Don back.
What had I said to Jamie?I have agency, too.Yet I’d never seen Laurel’s.
“Being in love—” she started.
“You’re not in love.” My hands twisted futilely behind me, scraped by the tightly knotted rope. “You’re just the most brainwashed. The most in need of help.”
She shook her head, brown eyes pitying. “I’ve thought about you so many times over the years. Felt guilty for the empty life you must be leading. I’m sorry for you, Shay. But you can’t come back.”
I swallowed, pushing past the bitterness to concentrate on what my instincts were telling me:First, identify the threat. “Where’s Rachel?”
Laurel walked to the long, low table that held gardening equipment and picked up a trowel. “You know she was a sadist, right? A remorseless psychopath. She started killing girls who stepped out of line—without even talking to Don or me first. She just left us to deal with the mess.”
The missing women. My heart was in my throat. “How did you deal with it?”
Laurel stopped twirling the trowel and gave me a long, steady look. Then she pointed it at the door. “We put them in the garden. We had no other choice.”
The garden? Surely not—
Her voice grew softer. “Their bodies fertilize the flowers. It’s beautiful, Shay. I made it for Clem, with all her favorites. She’d love it here.”
Horror gripped me. It was true, then. Girls who went to the Hilltop never came back. It wasn’t a mecca. It was a graveyard.
