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I felt sure he was watching me the whole time, that I was the real reason he’d wanted us to clean, so he could have an excuse to stare. I held him in the palm of my hand. Eventually he wouldn’t be able to help himself. He’d have to make an excuse, pull me out of the room, and touch me. We were playing a game, he and I.
Feel free to laugh. I was on my hands and knees cleaning for so long I could barely stand, and I thought I was the one in control.
But Don was pleased with us, and his pleasure was something you could get drunk on. No one in the universe is more charming than Don Rockwell when he’s happy. That night, he poured us more bottles of wine. He said we were learning our first lesson, humility and service in praxis, and the more we worked, the more the virtues would sink into our bodies. But since we were college women, scholars, we also had to engage our brains. He arranged us in a circle in the living room and, one by one, had us read aloud from a small stack of books. What he called the great works. Aristotle’sPolitics, Rousseau’sEmile, Schopenhauer’s “On Women,” Kant’sAnthropology. I recognized the names from my lit classes, so I thought Don must be right that they were geniuses.
JAMIE:I used to think you were a genius, you know. You were the best writer in school. I used to get jealous.
SHAY:Yeah, well, look what good that did me. I didn’t know it that night, but it would be more than a year before I read any other books. I can still recite the passages. Do you want to hear?
JAMIE:You can really do it?
SHAY:Aristotle: “The male is by nature superior and the female inferior; the male ruler and the female subject.” Rousseau: “Women must be thwarted from an early age. They must be exercised to constraint, so that it costs them nothing to stifle all their fantasies to submit them to the will of others. They must receive the decisions of fathers and husbands like that of the church.” Schopenhauer: “Women are childish, frivolous, and shortsighted… By nature, meant to obey.” Kant: “A woman’s primary means of domination is her ability to master her husband’s desire for her.”
JAMIE:Your delivery is…frighteningly crisp. All that stuff about women—how did you read that and think it was empowering?
SHAY:Don said the truth was, men and women were wired differently, and there was no greater power than knowing your true purpose. Accepting your ontological limits was the highest form of freedom. He talked like that, like our professors. I think it made it easier to believe him, because he sounded familiar and confident. I started to think maybe there was a reason for everything that happened to me before college. What if my whole life, I’d been trying to be something I simply couldn’t? Maybe if I accepted my limits, I would be happier.
I can still hear those dead men whispering in my dreams.
JAMIE:What do you mean, “everything that happened before college”?
(Silence.)
JAMIE:Sorry. This is your story.
(Throat clearing.)
What happened next?
SHAY:Clem said she didn’t like the readings, that they reminded her of what her parents’ pastor used to say about women’s duty to obey their husbands. As soon as she said it, a chill went through the room. I could barely bring myself to look at Don, I was so embarrassed. When I did…his face was calm, but that was worse than if he’d yelled, because I had no idea what he’d do next.
He said, “Clementine, this is your old self talking, the one that alienates people. The one no one really loves, if we’re being honest.”
My first instinct was to protest. Because of course I loved Clem. But then I thought—shehadalmost ruined last weekend, and here she was, at it again. What if Don decided he didn’t want to see us anymore because of her? There was a pit in my stomach, like maybe he was right.
So I didn’t say anything, and neither did Laurel. We let the silence stretch, even though I could tell Clem was waiting for one of us to defend her.
After a moment, Don said, “I promised I’d help you become someone better, but I can’t do that with you questioning me. Do you understand?”
Clem tried to say, “I wasn’t questioning you,” but Don cut her off and said, “Do you understand?”
Clem’s body tensed, and she said, “Yes,” in a quiet voice.
He said, “You need to experience consequences. Do you agree?”
And she actually nodded. I could tell she was frightened. I was scared, too, but there was something else, like a curiosity. This desire to see it happen.
I’m not proud of myself. I hope that’s obvious, but I’m saying it now, before I tell you the rest.
JAMIE:Okay.
SHAY:Don said, “Rachel, go get it from my closet.” She left quickly, but the rest of us sat in silence. I couldn’t look at Clem.
Rachel came back with a belt. Brown leather, worn. He took it and beckoned Clem. At first, I thought she wouldn’t go to him, but she did. He bent her down over his knee. My heart was racing. I looked at Rachel, and her cheeks were flushed. I’d never seen her more excited.
Don lifted up Clem’s dress and pulled her panties down until she was exposed. That by itself was humiliating. But then he looped the belt around his hand and said, “This is how we rewire you. Slowly, over time. Show humility. Tell me you’re sorry.” But before she could, he struck Clem so hard she cried out.
She said, “I’m sorry,” but he hit her with the belt again, and again. I thought he would keep going, but he stopped and looked across the room at Laurel.
