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I rolled over so I was on top of him. He tried to kiss me, but I stopped him, and said, “You’re in love with me.”
He was confused. He said, “What do you mean? This is the first night we’ve talked.”
I said, “You’ve been watching me in the restaurant, noticing how pretty I am.”
He tried to kiss me again, but I pushed him back and said, “You’ve been falling in love with me, little by little, every day. You can’t help yourself.”
He laughed, like I was joking, and said, “You’re funny.”
I climbed out of bed and started putting my clothes on. He jumped out, too, and put his arms around me. He said, “Wait, don’t leave. I have looked at you. Everyone has.”
He tried to pull me back into bed, but I put a hand on his chest and said, “You love me.”
Something came over him—I don’t know what. Maybe he was drunk, maybe he just wanted to kiss me that badly. But he looked at me and said, “You’re right, okay? I love you. I’m in love.”
I felt immeasurably powerful. It was the start of a whole new chapter in my life.
JAMIE:What kind of chapter?
SHAY:Me being in control for real, better than the pageants. Here’s an example: After that night, Zane, the manager, started talking to me more. Joking around, flirting, even though he had a fiancé.
JAMIE:And was old enough for his interest in you to be illegal.
SHAY:It was exactly what I craved. Upping the ante. What’s better than making a virtual stranger say he loves you? Winning your older boss, who’s engaged.
One day Zane and I were closing. He was behind the bar, cleaning up, and I said, “I’m going to a friend’s house after this.” It was Maddie McCrarry’s party—remember her? You were there, I think.
JAMIE:We went over to Maddie’s a lot. Her parents were never home. In hindsight, I think they were neglectful.
SHAY:Zane snapped it up. He said, “Want some company? I can bring booze.”
I said, “Are you sure you want to come to a high school party?”
And he said, “You’ll be there. So yes.”
That’s when I knew how the night would unfold. If I invited him, we would go to Maddie’s and get very, very drunk, and then he would kiss me. I had him in the palm of my hand. He was supposed to be getting married, but I was so beautiful, so magnetic, that he’d risk it for me.
And that’s exactly what happened. He waited the whole night, until everyone had gone home or passed out, and it was just us in Maddie’s backyard. She had those string lights, remember? Like a fairy tale. And I don’t remember how it happened, who said what, but suddenly Zane was kissing me and pulling me down to the grass, sitting me on his lap. I think we made out for half an hour, until I told him I had to go to sleep, and he should go home.
JAMIE:Did his fiancée find out?
SHAY:I have no idea. For all I know, they’re still in Heller, happily married. He tried to hang out with me the next week, but other than work, I barely spoke to him again. Same with Dizzy. I didn’t need them anymore.
JAMIE:Try out this story. A grown man, engaged, gets bored. Starts to feel tied down. He looks at the underage girl in his restaurant—the one he wouldn’t stand a chance with if she were his age—and sees an opportunity. He takes advantage of the fact that she’s young and not worldly. He gets her to take him to a high school party, where he feels older and wiser. It’s a huge ego boost. And he takes what he wants from her at the end of the night, and it’s consequence-free, because who’s she going to tell? Let her think she came out on top.
SHAY:Can’t it be true that we both used each other?
JAMIE:I thought you wanted to hear the objective version of your story.
SHAY:Listen. Every boy I kissed from that moment on was proof that I was valuable. It was all a test, a conversation I was having with myself through other people. I used to walk into rooms and feel out of place, instantly an outsider. But that year, I started walking in and taking stock. Grocery stores, house parties, the restaurant. Everywhere I went, I was hunting. The tables were turned.
JAMIE:You’re literally glowing right now.
SHAY:I think I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Why are you looking at me like that?
(Silence.)
