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I pull her into arms and hold her tight. She gives me a squeeze in return as I say into her hair, “I’m so happy for you.” I pull her back to look her in the eyes, my vision going blurry from unshed tears. “You deserve this. The guy, the baby, all the happiness. You have had to deal with so much that I am so happy that you finally get so much happiness. No one could deserve it more.”
She gives me a sad smile, taking my hands in hers and squeezing. “What about you?”
I feel her question in every part of my body, but I'm not ready to delve into that, not right now. So, I swallow my thoughts and force a smile, squeezing her hands back. “Tonight’s not about me. Now tell me how it happened.”
She proceeds to tell me how they had decided to go for a walk after dinner before a round of fireworks were set off before them. Conner had held her around her shoulders and watched until finally getting on one knee and asking. Turns out Conner had organised the fireworks, which impresses me, but I'm just so happy to see my friends so happy. We talk for a bit about possible wedding plans, with Ava stating that she wants to jump into it as soon as possible, saying to me, “Just so we are clear, you’re my maid of honour.”
I scoff, trying not to show the emotion welling inside me. “I better be. I fucking pulled your kid out of you.”
The boys both cringe at the visual image, which only makes us girls laugh.
An hour of talking passes before Ava and Conner practically throw us out the door. Clearly, they wish to celebrate alone, and I don’t blame them, but now, standing outside with Riley, I am brought back to the harsh words he had thrown at me earlier.
Keeping my face neutral under his gaze, I turn on my heel and head for the car, just wanting to get home and retreat to my room.
I hear his heavy footfalls behind me, and we sit in silence with so much unsaid and too much to take back.
It was one of the hardest car rides of my life and really made me regret never learning to drive before. Maybe that is something I can try to do later. But for right now, I will submerge myself in the silence.
CHAPTER 26
RILEY
I’m mentally bashing myself the whole drive back to the apartment as we sit in silence, with nothing but the sound of Mia’s heart beating against my ears. I tighten my grip on the wheel and try to think of any way that I could take back the words I said, but I can’t. I wish I could tell her that I didn’t mean it, but I know she would always wonder what the truth is, if I’m lying to cover myself or not.
Seeing that look on her face, of the hurt, then watching the wall come up, shielding her from me, it gutted me so much I can still feel it. I can still feel the twisting in my gut from my own words, words I never thought I would say, not to her. But I also can't think of the look on her face if she knew the truth, the truth of why I left and what happened in Europe.
No one knows.
When we get to the apartment, she practically bolts from the car and is locked in her room by the time I get there. I try knocking and am only met with silence. I contemplate breaking down the door and forcing her to talk to me, but I know that won’t work. The only thing that will work is letting down my own walls and telling her the truth I won’t tell anyone.
But I just don’t know if I can bear to see her face if I do. This also leads me to wonder what will happen if I don’t? Will she leave and I'll never see her again? Will she never speak to me, and I'll never get to hear her quips and see her smile? I know I have a decision to make, so I retreat to my own room and lay on my bed, throwing an arm over my eyes as I get lost in endless scenarios.
At some point, I drift off and suddenly spring awake at the sound of a door closing. Rubbing a hand over my face, I quickly realise it’s the apartment door, and I’m off the bed and am met with Mia’s bedroom door open and no Mia inside.
A brief glance shows her stuff still here, but the apartment is dark. “Mia?” I call out as I walk down the hall, but it's dark and empty, seeming lonely and lifeless without Mia in it now.
My chest aches at the thought of her not being here, which shocks me because she’s only been here a month, and I can’t imagine a month without her now.
“Mia?!” I call again, knowing she’s not here, before swiping up my keys and running from the apartment. My heart races in a panic at the thought that she may be leaving or going somewhere on her own where she could be hurt. My feet move so quickly that I almost stumble when I suddenly hear it.
I stop, straining to hear it, before moving forward towards the staircase leading to the bar. As I get closer, it gets louder, and I am finally able to decipher what it is.
It’s her.
I round the corner, standing on the staircase as I look out at the darkened stage, with only Mia sitting at the lonely piano, her fingers moving over the keys effortlessly, playing a melody I have never heard but feel everywhere.
She plays the opening, and I allow my feet to carry me down the steps, and stand on the floor of the bar, looking up and admiring, like I'm getting a glimpse behind the curtain that is Mia.
Her fingers pause, and I worry that she may have heard me and decided to stop, but she continues, singing along to the melody as I continue to listen.
Help
I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
