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“Is he okay with Jen and me coming?” Concern wrinkled Sally’s forehead.
“Oh yeah. No worries there.” Luke smiled and locked away his apprehension. He wasn’t concerned that Sally and Jen wouldn’t be welcome, but Daniel had something going on he seemed to think would rile Luke. What that could be, he had no idea, and there was no sense worrying until hedidknow.
Sally, already agitated, would clearly be better off without him adding to her unease, so he shoved the issue to the back of his mind. “You asked about the place. I’ve never actually been there. Remember when I told you about Ian Mathias dying in Afghanistan, and his brother, Daniel, coming to see me in the hospital?” Luke flinched, first, because the memory of Ian’s death still horrified him as though it’d happened only yesterday, and second, because he wasn’t sure what effect the mention of visitors who’d been allowed in his room would have on Sally.
“Of course. He invited you to his home…and you were supposed to be there a week ago? He’s probably been worried.” If the subject of visitation upset Sally, she didn’t let on.
“I know. I should have called way before now.” Luke had avoided the entire topic of Sally when conversing with Daniel. Somehow, the matter of losing the woman he loved, though important to him, had seemed trite in comparison to a man who’d recently lost his little brother in the most gruesome way imaginable. “He’s married with a daughter—five years old, I think. They own some rustic hunting cabins on the Kootenai River near Bonners Ferry. And by rustic, I mean…I hope you don’t hate it there.”
Sally arched an eyebrow. “You’ve seen my house, right? Before, that is. Now it’s just a pile of charcoal. My point is, I’m not used to fancy. I think I can deal with rustic for a few days.”
The sparkle in her eyes mesmerized Luke. He would have leaned over for a kiss if the sign heralding the turnoff for Kootenai River Cabins hadn’t appeared up ahead with an arrow pointing left onto a narrow road.
He slowed to make the turn. “Ten more miles.”
The first fifty feet of roadway was chip sealed and fairly smooth. After they passed the mailbox, adorned with the name “Mathias,” all traces ofsmoothvanished. The track they followed was filled with rocks, potholes and mud. Luke crept along, conscious it was his brother’s Jeep he drove, and still the occupants were bounced and jostled at every turn.
“I don’t think your friend wants very much company.” Sally held fast to the dash with one hand and the edge of her seat with the other.
Luke glanced in the rearview mirror to make sure Jen was buckled in securely. “I don’t think that’s it. He’s one of the friendliest guys you’d ever want to meet. He and Ian bought this place together. Daniel ran the business while Ian went off to do his patriotic duty. Ian was the only family Daniel had, besides his wife and kid. He was a mess the first time I saw him—worse than me.” Luke smiled at the memory of the man, who looked so much like his friend, Ian, walking into his hospital room. Luke had been on a rampage, alienating all the nurses because he didn’t want anyone bathing him or helping him piss in a bottle. There were just some things a man couldn’t abide.
“One day, Daniel walked in my room, pushed a chair close to the bed and sat down. He looked just like Ian, and I didn’t have to ask why he was there. He had this haunted expression, and his eyes were red and swollen. Kind of gave him a crazy look. I figured I didn’t look much better. He sat there for a while, just staring, and finally, he said, ‘Is Ian really dead?’” Daniel’s first words had hit Luke so hard he would have fled the room if he’d been able to move his legs.
“Oh, Luke. That must have been so hard.” Sally’s gaze burned into the side of his face, but he didn’t turn.
He’d lose it if he saw the sympathy he heard in her voice. “I didn’t want to tell him how his brother died at the hands of those animals, but he insisted. He wanted to know every detail. By the time I was done, we were both bawling our eyes out, but knowing what a hero Ian had been seemed to help him accept his death.” For his part, the mere act of relating the details to another human being had probably saved Luke’s sanity.
“Daniel came back the next day when three of my buddies were there. SEALs I’d served with.”
“Yeah, I saw them.” Sally’s voice sounded strained, but there was still concern in her expression when he glanced over.
He reached for her hand anyway. “I’m so sorry, babe.”
“You’ve already apologized. I’m just giving you a hard time. Too soon?” She clamped her teeth down on her bottom lip, obviously trying to keep the amusement sparkling in her eyes from traveling to her full, beautifully shaped mouth.
“No. You can give me as much crap as you want…as long as you don’t change your mind about us.” Luke released her hand so he could put both of his back on the steering wheel.
“That won’t happen, Luke. Tell me about your three friends.”
Luke couldn’t help laughing. “They’re a rowdy bunch. I thought they were joking when they told me they weren’t signing on the line again. They were the best at what they did, and I couldn’t imagine them wanting to punch a clock somewhere. What Ian and I went through in that prison was brutal, but apparently watching from the sidelines was no cakewalk either.”
“No, it wasn’t.” Sally’s eyes shimmered. “I imagine it was doubly hard for men used to taking matters into their own hands to stand idly by for months, knowing what you were going through, knowing the likely outcome and not being able to do a damn thing.”
“Mom, language.” Jen’s admonishment came from behind them without her even looking up from her book.
Sally dropped her head. “Sorry, sweetheart,” she said, her muffled laughter following.
Luke didn’t laugh. He’d been selfishly blind all this time. Never dwelling on what his captivity meant to her, or his family or his friends and fellow SEALs. Even after his buddies had told him they’d had enough of the Navy…and why…he hadn’t made the connection. She’d been waiting at home with no news, no hope and no end in sight. Then, as the fucking cherry on top of the sundae, he’d surprised everyone by coming home alive…and refused to see her. It took a special kind of jackass to be so self-absorbed. Yet she’d forgiven him.
He let the Jeep roll to a stop as he stared at her bowed head. She looked up and met his gaze questioningly as he put the vehicle in Park. Shame gripped his chest until he had to fight for his next breath, and he tore his gaze from hers. All those months—he’d had all the time in the world for introspection. Not once had he put himself in her place. Not one fucking thought about whether she cried herself to sleep at night, worrying about him—or maybe she’d been afraid to close her eyes in sleep…just like he’d been.Shit!Self-loathing rose and choked him.
Somehow, he got the door open and stepped out onto the muddy roadbed. With no destination in mind, he started walking, grateful for the air that filled his lungs. A few more deep breaths and he could almost think straight. He recognized the panic attack for what it was, courtesy of the thousand or so that had come before. What he didn’t know was…why now?
Luke turned and marched back toward the Jeep. Sally watched him from the passenger seat, her expression apprehensive and wary. He stopped. That was it. He’d lost her once because he didn’t consider her reactions…at all. Now, he was doing it again—shutting her out when he should be telling her what was going on in his head. He changed directions, skirting the front of the Jeep until he stood by her window. Damned if he would lose her again.
Sally opened her door, her eyes still holding a certain caution.
Luke closed the gap, lifting her off the seat and into his arms. Her heart was beating against his chest—in fear? Not acceptable.
