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Amir gripped my shoulder. “Put me to work too. I have wheels. I can do whatever needs doing.”
It turned out, what they needed was someone to drive Eli to his baseball game then a friend’s house to sleep over. Amir jumped at the chance, kissing my temple before he led my brother out the door.
My mom and Max napped while I cleaned their house from top to bottom. Not that it was dirty, but it gave me something to do and made me feel useful when I was utterly useless. I couldn’t take Max’s leukemia away or make my mom restbeforeshe made herself sick or drive Eli to practices and cheer him on in place of his father who simply couldn’t be there. This was all I could do, so I made their house sparkle.
Later, Mom, Max, and I had dinner together. Amir had stayed to watch Eli’s baseball game and texted us pictures and updates. Max cleared his throat a few times and swiped at his eyes when Amir told us Eli had hit a home run. My mom took him upstairs soon after that.
I was scrubbing the clean kitchen counters when Amir knocked on the side door. He was watching me through the glass, and I couldn’t take my eyes off his heavy lids and the way he licked his bottom lip as he gave me a long once-over. I opened the door, stepping back to let him inside. He closed it, locked it, and took the towel from my hand, tossing it on the counter. Then he had me, pulling me close, cupping the back of my head, and just holding me.
That was all it took. All day, I hadn’t stopped moving. I’d kept my feelings locked down tight because I wasn’t here for that. This wasn’t about me. If my mother saw me falling apart, she’d never forgive herself.
But I knew, despite our distance, despite how angry he’d been with me, despite it all, Amir was my safe place. I’d thought I’d needed to hear my mom’s heartbeat to find my footing, but it turned out, it was his steady thumping that put me back on level ground. With him here, I could fall, and he’d be there to catch me. If I fell apart, he’d put me together. I couldn’t make sense of that in my head. How could he be my safe place when he used these same hands to hurt?
I stopped trying to work it out, though. It didn’t have to make sense, it just was.
Amir took me into the living room, made me sit down, and held me through it. My body trembled as the adrenaline that had kept me going all day seeped away and his arms tightened. He didn’t ask for anything back. He was simply there. Even when I stopped shaking and my tears ebbed, he held me close.
I sat up, wiping my face with my palms. “I’m okay. Thank you.”
“Yeah, you are.” He took my face in his hands. “And if you ever thank me for holding you when you need it, I’ll spank your pretty ass until you remember that’s my job.”
I swallowed hard. Amir wasn’t treating me like an ex-girlfriend, but that was what I was. We weren’t back together, even ifIwas letting him act like my boyfriend. More than letting him, reveling in his presence.
The last thing I wanted was space, but we needed it. I scooted to the edge of the cushion and twisted to the side to face Amir.
“How was Eli?”
He stared at me long and hard, his eyes narrowing on me. He knew what I was doing, but he didn’t push it.
“Eli is cool as shit. He’s fucking phenomenal at baseball. He’s also worried as hell about his dad, and now he’s got your mom on his worry list too. He’ll be okay, though. Maybe he could use some extra visits from his sister—who he worships, by the way—but he’s got a good head. He’ll get to the other side no matter what.”
I sniffled at the way he spoke about Eli, like he really cared. “I know I’m not allowed to thank you for taking care of me, but thank you for taking care of Eli. It means more than I can put into words.”
He shrugged. “Don’t worry about it. Like I said, he’s cool, and the game was highly entertaining. I wouldn’t mind coming down for more of his games. I wouldn’t mind it at all.”
“Amir…” I didn’t know what to say. This was all too much, and the energy I was exerting to stop myself from crashing into him was exhausting me.
“Yeah.” He grazed my cheek with his fingertips, then climbed to his feet. “I should probably go. Text me when you’re ready to head back and I’ll drive down to get you.”
My heart lurched. He was leaving? I jumped up, grabbing his hand. “I know you’re probably anxious to get back to Julien but—”
“He’s fine. He’s covered.”
“Okay. Good. Then you should stay. It’s already getting late and—”
“You don’t have to convince me. I’m staying.”
That easily, my heart settled again, even as my stomach swirled. “Okay.” I released his hand even though I didn’t want to. I’d let him go, and it wasn’t fair for me to act like I hadn’t. “Let me show you the guest room.”
With a sigh, he followed me upstairs. The bed was made up, so I just had to point out the adjoining bathroom and where extra blankets were in case he needed one. He stared at me as I nervously pointed out the obvious, and he was still staring at me as I beat a hasty retreat.
We were supposed to talk, but I didn’t want to. My chest felt battered from the upheaval of emotion I’d gone through over the past few weeks, and I’d cried myself dry. I was tapped out and had nothing else to give.
All that was true, but the biggest truth was I was making excuses out of fear. I wasn’t sure I was ready to listen to what Amir had to say, even if I had said I was.
I went through the motions of getting ready for bed, and though I was tired once I was under the covers, sleep was well beyond my grasp. I lay in the center of my bed for what felt like hours. Thinking, always thinking. Picturing Max’s face, the softness with which he watched my mother. How he loved her. How she loved him back, so deeply, she’d made herself sick over it.
Of course Amir was part of my thoughts. I couldn’t stop thinking about his texts from Eli’s game. God, that was sweet, and so very thoughtful. I didn’t know what any of this meant, but I couldn’t lie here in this bed any longer.
