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I decided right then I wanted her and Zadie to know how well I understood. I didn’t want to bite my tongue anymore. Except, I wasn’t great with emotions, so it all came out as a sarcastic jumble.
“He raped me the summer after graduation. A week before I left for Berkeley, we had a farewell dinner. After, he walked me to his car, opened the door for me like a perfect gentleman, shoved me in the back seat, and raped me. Thankfully, he’s always been a two-pump chump, so it only lasted a minute or two, but there is not a chance I’ll ever forget who he was and what he did to me. I remember every little detail, down to the total on the receipt wadded up on the floor behind the driver’s seat.”
Zadie gasped and immediately got on her knees to hug me. Even though hugging didn’t really come naturally to me, I liked hugging Zadie, so I leaned my head into her softness, taking the comfort I knew she had to give to make both of us feel better.
“Elena.” Helen blinked at me, her lips parted.
“I don’t want pity.” I shook my head hard. “I will put stones in my pockets and walk into the ocean if you dare pity me. It happened, and I dealt. I’m dealing.”
I had started going to therapy after Nate and I broke up in high school. My therapist had been the second person I called once I was ready to say the words—Pen was first. She had hooked me up with someone I went to daily for a while at Berkeley. I probably could have used some more therapy now, but hey, who couldn’t?
Zadie sat back down, but she kept her arm linked with mine. And that was okay, because it wasn’t pity, not from her. She was letting me know she was there in her own Zadie way.
“I don’t pity you.” Helen squeezed her eyes shut. “I’m pissed I can’t kill Nate Bergen again.”
And I’m pissed I feel even an ounce of guilt for the way he died.
Waves crashed. The boys yelled at each other as Lachlan threw another pass that went a mile long. Someone was playing music halfway down the beach. All that hung in the air with my confession.
“I’ve only told two people about that night.”
Helen’s eyes shot to mine. “Really? Why not go to the cops?”
“Why didn’tyou?” I shot back.
“My mom’s a piece of shit, and cops don’t take the word of girls who come from pieces of shit. You, on the other hand, come from a palace and sprinkle glitter when you walk. Why didn’t you tell someone?”
She didn't sound angry at me, more confused. Most people would’ve been. If they knew anything about my family, it was that we were wealthy and my parents adored me. That was true, but it wasn’t the whole story.
“I did. I told Pen and my therapist.” I folded my arms around my middle. “Telling anyone else wasn’t an option for me.”
“Thank you for trusting us enough to tell us,” Zadie said.
“I hate like hell that happened to you, El. Hate it so fucking much.” Helen bit down on her bottom lip and turned away from me to face the ocean.
If I could have turned away, I would have. I understood Helen. We were girls who had been made to be tough. We’d grown up in different circumstances, but we’d been shaped by the same weight of the world.
“I hate it too.” I pulled my legs to my chest and rested my chin on my knees. “Honestly, I thought I was supposed to feel lighter. I’m thinking I got ripped off. I feel exactly the same. I could have just held that in for eternity.”
Zadie sputtered a laugh, then quickly covered her mouth. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t laugh.”
“You absolutely should.” I tugged on one of her curls. “If you stop laughing when I say ridiculous things, I’ll have to tell Amir your secret.”
Her nose scrunched. “What secret?”
I tilted my head. “Remember the other night when you admitted you don’t like when he goes down on you? In fact, you hate having your clit touched and would rather sex be under five minutes?”
Her sweet little mouth morphed into anO. “You know I never said that. If you tell him that, I will kill you seven times!”
I threw my head back, cackling. “I will. You’ll never get oral again. You know that man lives to please you. Quickies for the rest of your life, Z.”
Helen shook her head, her smile returning. “You’re truly evil.”
I grinned at her. “I know.”
“I love oral,” Zadie said softly. “Amir’s so good at it.”
My gaze collided with Helen’s, and it was all over. We fell into each other, laughing so hard, tears rolled down my cheeks. Zadie couldn’t stop herself from joining in. I didn’t think I’d ever laughed so hard in my life. My stomach ached, and I couldn’t sit upright, and it was just…good. So, so good.
This.This was the moment the lightness came. It wasn’t from the confession, the sadness, trading traumas with Helen. It was the after. When everything slipped back to normal. Except my new normal was better than it ever had been. I’d never had this, laughing freely with my girls. No jealousy or competition between us. We were just three girls thrown together, finding the randomness ofusmade the most sense.
And now, I knew I could probably tell them anything.
Maybe one day I would.
