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I don’t know if you got the chance to read the emails I wrote to you over the years. I don’t think you did. I’m not sending you this to guilt you, but for you to understand how I felt when you were gone.
Here you go. This is everything. Read them or don’t. I hope you do.
I fucking miss you, Wren. Not even 24 hours and I’m close to climbing up your drainpipe to take a peek at you.
Callum
I didn’t know if I wanted to, but I did know I had to, so I opened the first email he sent me after I’d disappeared.
Little Bird,
No crying over me. I won’t allow it.
Someday, I’m going to make you believe you’re everything I’ve said about you. You’re not going to doubt it, even for a second. Those voices that have made you feel like you weren’t amazing will be drowned out.
Don’t be scared. I’m not scary. I’m just a big, weird rocker who wants to be beside you.
We’re doing this. So fucking soon, we’re doing it.
I’m staying sane solely for you.
Callum
Once I started, I couldn’t stop, so I read the string of emails he sent when I didn’t reply. Each word, each letter, dripped on my skin like battery acid.
Little Bird,
Where are you?
Did my last email get too intense? Lost in the ether?
Talk to me.
Callum
Birdie,
I need you to reply. Did something happen? If meeting is too much, I get it. We’ll wait. I’m not going anywhere. I need to know you’re okay. Why aren’t you replying?
Callum
Fuck, Birdie, where are you? Just talk to me.
Callum
He sent twenty emails over the next month. Each one got more and more desperate. The last one came on the day we had planned to meet, and it absolutely broke me.
Wren,
Even after a month of silence, I looked for you. I thought you’d show. We’d laugh at whatever the misunderstanding was that kept you from emailing me. We’d be awkward and stumble over our words but happy as hell we got up the guts to meet.
Didn’t happen. And you know what? I’m hoping like hell this is your way of telling me to fuck off. Because when I think of the alternative, that something’s gone down in your life that’s so bad you can’t get to your computer, I feel like I’m going crazy.
I can’t keep doing this. I won’t write you again, but I’m here. I’m open to hearing from you. Even if you need to tell me to fuck off, just please fucking tell me. It’s the not knowing that’s killing me.
Callum
I couldn’t read anything else. The other emails would have to wait for another day when I was stronger. I curled into a ball and let myself feel all of it. How I hurt Callum by disappearing. Threw away the most important relationship I’d ever had from fear. His confusion. His loss. His desperation. The time we lost because I screwed up in a huge, magnificent way.
