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Yael
My apartment had never been so clean. Although I leaned heavily toward slothdom, when I didn’t want to think, I scrubbed and scoured and trashed and straightened. I’d bagged up half my closet to donate and kept eyeing the other half warily. Haven dive-bombed me when I tried to add my Valentino Garavani Rockstud pumps to the donate pile.
“This is where I draw the line.” Her thin fingers clamped tight on my wrists, and her small body held me down on the bed. “The shoes are innocent in all this.”
“I wore them to the wedding. I’ll never wear them again.” I turned my face away from her, all out of tears…or any emotion, really.
It had been four days of close to no contact with Alex. He’d texted his dad was going home the next day. When I asked about us, he simply told me his dad needed to be his focus. In a fit of heartache, which came out as anger, I might have texted him back a picture of my middle finger, then deeply regretted it.
But that regret hadn’t lasted past day one. No, I’d never regret showing Alex how his choice to shut down on me made me feel.
Like a fool.
Like I’d been knocked down and mugged.
Unlovable. Unlikable. Unwanted.
None of that was truly rational. I knew that. But emotions were rarely to be rationed with.
Haven and Maeve had shown up this morning to save me from myself. I hadn’t spoken to my brother, though he’d called, as had Michaela. Maeve didn’t let me be, though, and I thought her constant contact was probably the only reason Moses wasn’t banging down my door.
“No one told me there’d be wrestlin’.” Maeve walked into my bedroom and plopped down on the bed beside me. Haven finally rolled off me and sat up on my other side.
“Haven attacked me,” I pouted.
Haven held up my beloved heels. “She was trying to throw away these beauties.”
Maeve gasped. “No. How could you?”
“First, I was donating them.” I snatched my shoes away from Haven, cradling them to my chest. “Second, these are the shoes I wore to Allie’s wedding, and I don’t want to look at them right now.”
“So, shove them under your bed,” Maeve reasoned.
“I’ll know they’re there. They’ll be likeThe Tell-Tale Heart, ticking away at every hour, reminding me of their existence.” I rubbed my thumb back and forth over the silver studs running along the edge of the shoe.
Maeve’s brow pinched. “I’m worried, Yael. I’ve never seen you get so worked up over...anything. What happened?”
“Do I need to loan you my Scott Porter dipping acid?” Haven asked.
My nose tingled, and I knew that feeling all too well. It seemed Iwasn’tcried out after all. I was not the girl who cried. Before the last four days, I hadn’t cried since Simone was born. And before that, it was when I confronted Alex after Harris dumped me.
My eyes welled, and I shook my head. “No, no acid.” Twin drops made tracks on my cheeks. “Oh, this is the pits. The absolute pits.”
“Whoa, harsh words there,” Haven said.
Maeve sighed and dabbed my tears away with her fingers. “Sugar, we have to talk. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, but I think you’ll feel better if you let us in.”
I let her pull me against her soft chest and wrap me up in a hug. Haven leaned on my other side, curling her slim body around mine. “I feel crazy,” I said.
“Why, baby?” Haven asked as she stroked my dirty hair.
“We hadn’t told anyone we were together. Not for real. And we’ve had some really huge moments together over the years no one but us knew about. But now he’s disappeared on me, and I have to wonder if I imagined everything. There’s no one left to ask. I’m the only holder of our history.”
“So, tell us,” Maeve said. “We’ll know too, and you won’t feel so crazy.”
“I always thought something big must have happened between you two,” Haven murmured. “You wouldn’t just get your hate on for no reason.”
With my shoes still in my lap, I took a shaky breath and launched into the tale of Yael and Alex. I told them about being so smitten I couldn’t see straight when we first met, and then devastated a few weeks later when he laughed at me. I told them how when I started my new high school, I’d been folded into the type of crowd who would have never accepted me before. I recounted how I’d watched Alex from the sidelines, wishing things could be different, but too caught up in my new life to make the change.
