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Continuing deeper into the basement, I found a guest room and pushed open the cracked door. It felt like there was a bowling ball in my throat.
I turned on the light. Before I let myself look at the bed, I took note of three sleeping figures on the floor, pillows wedged under their heads, blankets thrown over their shoulders. None were Jude, because he was on the bed and he wasn’t alone.
He slept on his back, one arm thrown over his eyes, the other arm wrapped around Claudia, her head all snug and cozy on his chest. My spot. She was inmyspot. That they were both fully clothed didn’t lessen the gut-wrenching betrayal.
I must have gasped louder than I’d thought. Her head popped up at the sound. If I could have found anything funny at the moment, it would have been her face—wide eyes and fish mouth, gaping.
Normally, I thought things through before I acted. This wasn’t one of those times. Claudia called my name, but I didn’t stay to hear what she had to say.
Not wanting to make a spectacle in front of Ben’s mother, I walked calmly through her living room, stopping to give her another hug.
She wiped a tear from beneath her blue eyes that matched her son’s so well, she was hard to look at. “He never stopped talking about you. You and Tino. I’m so glad he found you.”
“We loved him,” I managed to croak out. “I loved him.”
She patted my back. “I know, sweetheart. He knew too.”
He ruined me, but maybe I had ruined him too.
I let myself out and dug Tino’s keys from the bottom of my purse. I fumbled for a second, but finally found his car key and inserted it into the lock. I didn’t get the door open before a hand slammed against the window, shaking the whole car.
“Don’t walk away from me,” Jude said low against my ear.
I kept my back turned, the hairs on the base of my neck standing on end. “You walked away first.”
With his hands on my shoulders, he spun me around. He wore last night’s clothes and at least two days of scruff on his jaw. His eyes were dull and cloudy, purple circles beneath. He looked like hell, which was only fitting, since that’s where we’d been living recently.
“I didn’t sleep with her. Youknowthat.”
“Oh, really? Because it sure as hell looked like you were lying in a bed with another girl.” He started to touch my face, but I knocked his hands away. “You were supposed to cut me loose before you did that. Cut me loose, Jude!” My heart, oh my heart. He’d broken it a thousand times over.
“Jesus Christ, Tali, her brother just died. She needed me.”
I shook my head in utter disbelief we were having this conversation. “When do I get to need you? When do I get to be held? I didn’t lose my brother, but I lost my friend, and now I’ve lost my boyfriend.”
He pulled me against his chest so hard, the air was knocked from my lungs. “Not ever happening, Stripes. We might be sick and limping right now, but we’re not dead. Don’t even try to throw us a fucking funeral. I’ve been to one too many of those lately.”
“You made too many promises to me you didn’t keep. But seeing you holding Claudia, when you’ve refused to even look at me for three days? I can’t—” I shook so hard, my knees gave out and Jude had to lift me off my feet. He unlocked the car door and climbed into the backseat with me in his arms.
“I’m a mess right now, Stripes, but if you think you can leave me, you don’t know me. You’re not leaving me. It won’t happen.”
I pushed at him, but it was a weak attempt. His arms were too warm, and I’d wanted them around me for too long.
“You leftme. I would never begrudge Claudia comfort, but you cannot sit here, look me in the eye, and tell me it’s okay that you slept in the same bed with another woman, let alone your ex, with your arms around each other. That’s howwegot started. If I did that with another man—”
The muscles in his arms bunched, and the breath caught in his throat. “You’d never do that.”
“Of course I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t dream of it.”
He gripped the sides of my head, heaving a long, ragged breath. “Fuck, Tali. I’m so fucking sorry. I know I keep saying that, but I can’t...please, baby. You have to believe nothing happened. We just passed out, fully clothed, talking about her brother.”
“In a different life, when you hadn’t just left me alone in the house where our best friend died, when you hadn’t gotten aggressive with me and scared the shit out of me, when you hadn’t already lied and betrayed me, I would let this pass. Butthisis our life. You’ve done all those things, and now, I’ve just added the image of you in bed with another woman to the list. I’llneverforget that as long as I live.”
Tears welled in Jude’s eyes, and his shoulders slumped in defeat. He didn’t let go of me, though, and for just a second, I let myself lean in and feel him.
“This can’t be it. I refuse.”
My fingertips traced the edge of his jaw. “Give me a little time then. Allow me some distance to see if I can get over this. Or figure out if I even want to.”
