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Jude
Ten Years Ago
She snuckinto my room like a thief in the night. I should have been surprised to feel her slipping under the covers with me, but I wasn’t. After an emotional upheaval, Tali always needed to be held. Seemed like things hadn’t changed over the last three years. Made me wonder who’d been holding her all this time.
I had no business wondering that. It didn’t stop me, though.
“Is this okay?” she whispered.
“Yeah, it’s okay.”
It hurt like a knife to the gut, but it was okay.
We both lay on our sides, facing each other. My room was dark, but I could make out the lines of her face in the pale moonlight. She laid her head on my bicep and her hand on my chest.
“Are you high?” she asked.
“No. Not anymore.”
I’d gotten into the habit of taking something to bring me down so I could sleep, but I’d been waiting, hoping. I’d stay awake for days to have this for even a single minute.
“Can you hold me?”
Can, not “will.” Tali was nothing if not precise with her language. She knew I’d always be willing to hold her. She was asking if I was capable.
I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her body close to mine, keeping a sliver of distance I never would have kept before. But this wasn’t before.
She settled against me, one of her legs slipping between mine, her arm draped over my middle. The air conditioned room was cool, but under the sheets, we made our own warmth. I hadn’t been warm in three years. Not like this.
Tali still smelled like home. Only now, she was a home I’d never live in. A home I couldn’t go back to. And it broke me, inhaling her scent, knowing it wasn’t mine to keep.Shewasn’t mine to keep.
I wasn’t where I wanted to be, but I was in the exact place I’d alwaysthoughtI’d wanted to be. Our first album won two Grammys—wewon two Grammys—and I could barely bring myself to smile over it. We were getting ready to tour for our second album, and I hated every word of it. Tali filled every note, but those notes were filled with heartbreak. They weren’t the kind of songs I ever wanted to sing about her.
“I live in Brooklyn in a walk-up with Nina. She has a girlfriend who is just as bad as Heather was. I’m working in A&R and love it more than I ever thought I would.” My hand froze on her hair as she spoke. I hadn’t expected anything from her. I’d hoped, but I’d never expected. “Tino and Juan moved to Manhattan when Tino finished college. I think they’ll probably be the first of our friend group to get married. Their apartment is like a page from a Pottery Barn catalogue. Their love is healthy and beautiful to see. The guy I’d been seeing for the last six months recently broke up with me because I wasn’t able to be as present emotionally as he needed. Well, that’s what he said, and while that might have been partially true, I really think he didn’t like that I went out to clubs and concerts multiple times a week for work and he wasn’t invited, because again, it was for work. I think I’ll probably be single for a while.”
Tali dropped her forehead onto my chest. I was surprised she could find a place to rest her head since it felt like my chest cavity had been hollowed out and torn apart.
I wasn’t an idiot. I lived in the real world. I’d known Tali would move on—that someone else would touch her and fall in love with her—when I made the choice to let her go and stop fighting for her. She was fucking perfect, how could they not? But hearing it straight from her mouth while she was in my arms? That wasn’t a thing I could’ve ever prepared for.
“Were you in love?” I asked.
“It doesn’t matter, Jude. It ended.”
“You know what I said on the video? It’s still true, Stripes.”
She stilled. Her breathing stopped. Every muscle turned rigid. And fuck, I never wanted a hit more than I did right then. It didn’t even matter of what. I would’ve taken a goddamn Tylenol just to take the edge off.
Tali blinked at me in the dark. I brought my face down to hers, close, but not touching. Her palm slid up the back of my neck, into my hair, gripping it tight.
“I don’t like this haircut,” she said.
“I know. It’s stupid. I wasn’t given a whole hell of a lot of choice. Apparently emo is over.”
She lifted her head so she hovered just above me. Her tongue darted out, licking her lips. Her breath touched my face, followed by her fingers, skimming over my cheekbones.
“You look terrible,” she whispered.
“You look exquisite,” I answered.
