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“My manager at the time, Ari, had me show up at this children’s hospital. It was all part of cleaning up my image after I got arrested again. I thought it was complete bullshit, and I was resentful as hell being dragged there.”
“That’s a strange choice. It wasn’t like your fan base was made up of kids,” Tali said, ever the manager.
“Well, I made some poor decisions back then, including keeping Ari around for so long. I nearly died when he attempted to convince Jin not to take me to the hospital when I was overdosing.”
A tremor went through her, and she rubbed her arms like she’d caught a chill. “I know Ari. He’s as skeevy as they come. He should be living in a box by the river.”
“Nah, a box would be too good for him.” I shrugged. “But the hospital thing turned out to be the best thing he ever did for me. I met this kid, Chris. He was fifteen and had a tumor on his spine that had paralyzed him. At first, when he told me his prognosis, I was ready to hightail it outta there, but then his dad brought out Chris’s guitar and we jammed. The kid was amazing. Self-taught and talented down to his soul.”
“Tell me this has a happy ending,” she pleaded.
“Can’t. Chris died about a year later. I went on a hellacious week long bender when I got the news. We’d been friends. I used to visit him whenever I was in town. I even brought Jin and Jeremy and we’d all play together. Losing him after I’d lost so many damn people was rubbing salt on an infected, pus-covered wound. It took me a while to come around to realizing the losing wasn’t the part I’d keep forever. It was the knowing. I was a mess when I knew Chris, and I was a mess when he died. He didn’t fix me, and I didn’t have some epiphany about how precious life was. I just got to know this kickass kid who played music with his entire soul, you know? I wouldn’t have met him if I hadn’t been in Never Again, and I’m certainly better for having known him.”
“Well, shit. I’m sorry, Jude.”
We were crossing the Charles Bridge again, but this time, it was packed with tourists stopping to take pictures or buy souvenirs from vendors set up every few feet. With my hand on Tali’s lower back, I steered us to an empty spot along the stone railing, peering out over the sun-dappled river.
“It’s all good, Tali Stripes. Knowing Chris was a high point, just took me a while to figure that out. Got another question?”
Tali let her shoulder stay flush with mine. The railing was crowded, but she could’ve moved away an inch or two if she’d wanted.
“What’s your desert island song?” she asked.
“The song I listen to while I die a slow, slow death?”
“Oh god, is every question I ask going to take a dark turn?”
Twisting sideways, I leaned against my elbow. “You don’t think being trapped alone on an island is dark?”
She laughed. “Just answer the question.”
“It would be ‘Hurt.’ I’d lean into my gloom.”
Her eyes widened, and she turned to face me, our knees tangling. “That’smysong. Did I tell you that and not remember?”
“Nope. That’s just our mind meld, I guess. I’m not even a little bit surprised we share the same desert island song.”
“I am. I definitely am. Do you want to know Ben’s?”
“Hell yes,” I said.
“Bohemian Rhapsody.”
Yeah, that made sense. I should have known.
“We reenacted that scene fromWayne’s Worldon a weekly basis when we were kids.”
She shook her head and looked down at our interlocked knees. “Nina and I used to do that all the time. It was good practice for our future forays into punk rock mosh pits.”
“I’d have killed to see you and Nina in a mosh pit.”
Her foot shuffled next to mine. “We were pretty damn lucky we weren’t killed. The only two girls thrashing around with hyped-up boys? We were so crazy.”
“You’re not now?”
She glanced up, lips quirking. “Different kind of crazy.”
“The perfect kind of crazy.”
She had to head back for her meeting even though she still had three questions left. She promised she’d think up good ones that had nothing to do with death or dying, but it didn’t matter. I’d answer any question she had.
Watching her walk away, her strides long and confident, then peer over her shoulder with a smile right before she disappeared around the corner, was bitter-fucking-sweet. I wasn’t sure if we’d have another day like today. This could be it. But I’d learned along the way it wasn’t the losing, but the knowing that mattered.
